Angst Filled Fuck Up
Illuminati
- Sep 9, 2018
- 3,132
When I was younger, I viewed life as fairly linear. You were doing badly, okay, fine, but there would come a time where you improved. You'd turn a corner, have some great life circumstance lift you up and out, and you were golden.
Nowadays I think I view things as more cyclical, or recurring. It is probably naĂ¯ve to think that if you've reviewed the possibility of ctb once in your life, that it's the only time you'll flirt with it.
Ctb has often felt like a soundtrack to my life. Like a kind of drum beat in the background of my day to day. I am confused by this on some level. I can't work out if that means it makes sense for me, or whether it's like a kind of shitty friend whispering things in my ear that I shouldn't be listening to.
There was a plan for my life. I wanted to become a geography professor. When I was a boy I would pore over maps and atlases for hours. I would memorize countries and capital cities. I also wanted to be married early and have kids. I studied advanced geography in high school and then went to university for it. At the time, I fell in love with my first real girlfriend and we were really serious. Of course, none of it worked out. I dropped out due to anxiety, and that girl ended up stomping all over my heart.
Years later and I am only able to work bits and pieces here and there. I've had countless failed relationships, and am saddled with medical debt, chronic/invisible illness, and stuck in a loveless situation I can't escape.
I am exhausted. I was up all night clutching my chest. I had some unknown "thing" yet again for which there is no explanation. I wish this shit would either just take me for real or fuck off completely. I am already grieving the loss of what I thought my life would be, and the many situational problems that have occurred since then. Now I am always in pain or discomfort, and I just don't know how to cope with everything having turned out so badly.
Some days I can handle this better than others, but today I am bleary-eyed and completely fed up. Things are starting to feel like a horror movie for me again, and I can't see beyond my current situation at all. If I really stop to think about it, which granted I try not to do too often, I don't think there's any way out.
Nowadays I think I view things as more cyclical, or recurring. It is probably naĂ¯ve to think that if you've reviewed the possibility of ctb once in your life, that it's the only time you'll flirt with it.
Ctb has often felt like a soundtrack to my life. Like a kind of drum beat in the background of my day to day. I am confused by this on some level. I can't work out if that means it makes sense for me, or whether it's like a kind of shitty friend whispering things in my ear that I shouldn't be listening to.
There was a plan for my life. I wanted to become a geography professor. When I was a boy I would pore over maps and atlases for hours. I would memorize countries and capital cities. I also wanted to be married early and have kids. I studied advanced geography in high school and then went to university for it. At the time, I fell in love with my first real girlfriend and we were really serious. Of course, none of it worked out. I dropped out due to anxiety, and that girl ended up stomping all over my heart.
Years later and I am only able to work bits and pieces here and there. I've had countless failed relationships, and am saddled with medical debt, chronic/invisible illness, and stuck in a loveless situation I can't escape.
I am exhausted. I was up all night clutching my chest. I had some unknown "thing" yet again for which there is no explanation. I wish this shit would either just take me for real or fuck off completely. I am already grieving the loss of what I thought my life would be, and the many situational problems that have occurred since then. Now I am always in pain or discomfort, and I just don't know how to cope with everything having turned out so badly.
Some days I can handle this better than others, but today I am bleary-eyed and completely fed up. Things are starting to feel like a horror movie for me again, and I can't see beyond my current situation at all. If I really stop to think about it, which granted I try not to do too often, I don't think there's any way out.
