Venting Just cut myself. Venting.

[struggles_inc]

So I was preparing to go to bed. Went through my usual routine. Cleaned myself, prepared my clean clothes, my fluffy towel. Then The Thought went through my brain, and as soon as it fired, I grabbed a box cutter and slashed my wrist 8 times. Not for ending it, just… no reason. Felt like scratching an itch.
I'm typing this while pressing a towel to my wrist. The bleeding stopped, the towel is a little wet. I will clean the wound.

My home country is slowly ceasing internet access from its citizens. That includes my family. I am working on some kind of solution, but the pressure I feel from it drives me insane. Every day I talk to people who's lost hope while I'm still working to keep my loved ones safe no fucking matter what. I keep coming up with ideas and keep researching until deep in the night.

I've recently received my first huge business deal. My clients love me. My partners ask me for advice. People keep seeking my company. I should be happy. I'm getting a lot of academical success lately. I'm praised by my professors, too. Everybody fucking loves me.

I drink more than 10 mugs of coffee every day. I hear Opéra music in my head and can't turn it off. I am literally going insane trying to stay perfect and trying to solve shit.

Maybe I cut myself so hard impulsively to check if I'm still real, still consist of true human meat.

I don't want to die… but…

 

[RadioRamen]

I'm sure being the one to support so many is extremely stressful , you sound like you are a pillar both at home and at work, regardless is that would make you feel happy it's gonna burn you out. Which sounds like where you are . I'm sorry to hear you're put in a situation like that and cannot be easy by any means .

 

[struggles_inc]

I'm sure being the one to support so many is extremely stressful , you sound like you are a pillar both at home and at work, regardless is that would make you feel happy it's gonna burn you out. Which sounds like where you are . I'm sorry to hear you're put in a situation like that and cannot be easy by any means .

Thank you so much. Yeah, I am burning out. Have been for ages. And I can't really tell anyone. Many people in my closest circles truly believe they could put their whole weight on me and I'll be fine. It's not about people-pleasing, I wouldn't care about that. It's just that my loved ones consider me so strong and stable that every time I even try to talk about my feelings, I'm met with cognitive dissonance and confusion. It's like nobody expects me to have emotions.

 

[RadioRamen]

Thank you so much. Yeah, I am burning out. Have been for ages. And I can't really tell anyone. Many people in my closest circles truly believe they could put their whole weight on me and I'll be fine. It's not about people-pleasing, I wouldn't care about that. It's just that my loved ones consider me so strong and stable that every time I even try to talk about my feelings, I'm met with cognitive dissonance and confusion. It's like nobody expects me to have emotions.

It's a hard position to be in and props to you for not growing resentful in it. Just remember , regardless if they understand it or not , you need support too in which ever way you need it . Hopefully they are there when that call is made. And it's ok to say no now and then, you can't be the lone hero all the time , I mean he'll, even Superman needed the Justice League.

 

[struggles_inc]

It's a hard position to be in and props to you for not growing resentful in it. Just remember , regardless if they understand it or not , you need support too in which ever way you need it . Hopefully they are there when that call is made. And it's ok to say no now and then, you can't be the lone hero all the time , I mean he'll, even Superman needed the Justice League.

I want to run away a lot. Not even physically commit suicide, just disappear. I frequently check faraway destinations, trains and flights, and can imagine myself living on a minimal budget in a small community somewhere in Eastern Europe. Forgotten by government, history and God. And me, finally forgotten by everyone.

I know there will be panic and pain once my loved ones find out I cashed out all my private accounts and I'm forever offline. That alone sometimes keeps me from doing it.

 

[RadioRamen]

I want to run away a lot. Not even physically commit suicide, just disappear. I frequently check faraway destinations, trains and flights, and can imagine myself living on a minimal budget in a small community somewhere in Eastern Europe. Forgotten by government, history and God. And me, finally forgotten by everyone.

I know there will be panic and pain once my loved ones find out I cashed out all my private accounts and I'm forever offline. That alone sometimes keeps me from doing it.

Can't blame you for having that reaction , to be free of responsibility other than to yourself . I think your thoughts being how it would hurt friends and loved ones and how that holds you back just instills how much of a good person you are at your core . I would still say find the time to take care of you and you alone , I think that's a healthy way to maintain. Others need to shoulder their own weight and let you breathe