I was active in SS communities a few years ago (back when they existed on Reddit, and I lurked here but never made an account until now) but things started getting better. Now they are the worst they have been in my entire life. I'm a woman. I trusted an older man. He came on very strong and quickly and swept me off my feet. Made me feel like he loved me, made all of these promises. At the moment I needed him the most, he didn't care. Turns out he never loved me. He's disappeared from my life now. I admit I confronted him with a lot of hostility when I realized he didn't care, which just pushed him away even more, but still. Apparently he never felt anything for me. He used my body and threw me away like I was nothing. I have never felt so worthless.
I had healed from so much of my childhood trauma. In fact, everything was on the up. I was getting so much better before I met him. If you met me, you'd have never imagined I'd have been in a mental hospital for suicide before. But after what he did, ALL of the trauma I had gotten over came back full-forced and immediately. All of the pain I have experienced - abuse, loss, bullying, isolation - all flooded back. I grew up in an abusive home. My dad and mom were physically and verbally abusive. My sister turned against me because she had mental disorders and was jealous of me. She had to babysit me when my parents were away so she would lock me in a room all day for hours, I couldn't leave the room or go anywhere. I was very, very isolated and alone. Coped with imaginary friends and getting lost in fictional worlds and writing. I woke up one day with her hand around my neck. Was bullied to hell and back at school for being the weird and quiet girl. Then when I think it's all over, my grandmother developed an illness that we think might have been dementia and she lost her mind and started abusing me while I had to take care of her as she was dying. My mother was too busy lashing out at me to support me during this time. I was extremely isolated and had absolutely no one to turn to. I lost my mind when that happened, started becoming delusional. Full-blown delusions. I still have an imaginary friend to this day, I am 22 and the trauma has made me lose my mind. Most days I don't even know what's real and what's not anymore. I am just existing.
I think at this point I am just exhausted. I wondered if I felt so horrible because of what that man did to me, but I realized it's not even him. It's everything else. Everyone I have relied on, trusted, and needed has betrayed me and discarded me when I needed them the most. Everyone has used me, abused me, and threw me aside like I was nothing once they were done. The one time I trusted someone and opened up to them and let them in, past the hard stone brick walls I developed over the course of years to protect myself, this happens. It will always happen. It will never stop happening. I was born alone and broken and I will die alone and broken.
I already chose SN as my method because it's relatively peaceful when done right. I can't see things ever getting better for me. I had healed from my trauma but now all of my healing got reversed, just like that. I am just a huge, open, gaping wound. Things that I let roll off my back before now hit me squarely in the chest like a bullet. People in public look down on me, avoid me, or treat me like I'm scum. I have never actually experienced true, pure, unconditional love. My parents' "love" was/is very conditional and was overshadowed by never-ending hate. I have never actually been able to truly open up or connect to anyone in my entire life. I opened up to my ex, and it turns out he never loved me. I just want to rest. I feel so much all the time and it's always pain. I just want to stop feeling. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop having to live with the memories of abuse and loss and bullying always flooding my mind. I want to die.
I had healed from so much of my childhood trauma. In fact, everything was on the up. I was getting so much better before I met him. If you met me, you'd have never imagined I'd have been in a mental hospital for suicide before. But after what he did, ALL of the trauma I had gotten over came back full-forced and immediately. All of the pain I have experienced - abuse, loss, bullying, isolation - all flooded back. I grew up in an abusive home. My dad and mom were physically and verbally abusive. My sister turned against me because she had mental disorders and was jealous of me. She had to babysit me when my parents were away so she would lock me in a room all day for hours, I couldn't leave the room or go anywhere. I was very, very isolated and alone. Coped with imaginary friends and getting lost in fictional worlds and writing. I woke up one day with her hand around my neck. Was bullied to hell and back at school for being the weird and quiet girl. Then when I think it's all over, my grandmother developed an illness that we think might have been dementia and she lost her mind and started abusing me while I had to take care of her as she was dying. My mother was too busy lashing out at me to support me during this time. I was extremely isolated and had absolutely no one to turn to. I lost my mind when that happened, started becoming delusional. Full-blown delusions. I still have an imaginary friend to this day, I am 22 and the trauma has made me lose my mind. Most days I don't even know what's real and what's not anymore. I am just existing.
I think at this point I am just exhausted. I wondered if I felt so horrible because of what that man did to me, but I realized it's not even him. It's everything else. Everyone I have relied on, trusted, and needed has betrayed me and discarded me when I needed them the most. Everyone has used me, abused me, and threw me aside like I was nothing once they were done. The one time I trusted someone and opened up to them and let them in, past the hard stone brick walls I developed over the course of years to protect myself, this happens. It will always happen. It will never stop happening. I was born alone and broken and I will die alone and broken.
I already chose SN as my method because it's relatively peaceful when done right. I can't see things ever getting better for me. I had healed from my trauma but now all of my healing got reversed, just like that. I am just a huge, open, gaping wound. Things that I let roll off my back before now hit me squarely in the chest like a bullet. People in public look down on me, avoid me, or treat me like I'm scum. I have never actually experienced true, pure, unconditional love. My parents' "love" was/is very conditional and was overshadowed by never-ending hate. I have never actually been able to truly open up or connect to anyone in my entire life. I opened up to my ex, and it turns out he never loved me. I just want to rest. I feel so much all the time and it's always pain. I just want to stop feeling. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop having to live with the memories of abuse and loss and bullying always flooding my mind. I want to die.
