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deathbecomesus

Member
May 14, 2022
14
I was active in SS communities a few years ago (back when they existed on Reddit, and I lurked here but never made an account until now) but things started getting better. Now they are the worst they have been in my entire life. I'm a woman. I trusted an older man. He came on very strong and quickly and swept me off my feet. Made me feel like he loved me, made all of these promises. At the moment I needed him the most, he didn't care. Turns out he never loved me. He's disappeared from my life now. I admit I confronted him with a lot of hostility when I realized he didn't care, which just pushed him away even more, but still. Apparently he never felt anything for me. He used my body and threw me away like I was nothing. I have never felt so worthless.

I had healed from so much of my childhood trauma. In fact, everything was on the up. I was getting so much better before I met him. If you met me, you'd have never imagined I'd have been in a mental hospital for suicide before. But after what he did, ALL of the trauma I had gotten over came back full-forced and immediately. All of the pain I have experienced - abuse, loss, bullying, isolation - all flooded back. I grew up in an abusive home. My dad and mom were physically and verbally abusive. My sister turned against me because she had mental disorders and was jealous of me. She had to babysit me when my parents were away so she would lock me in a room all day for hours, I couldn't leave the room or go anywhere. I was very, very isolated and alone. Coped with imaginary friends and getting lost in fictional worlds and writing. I woke up one day with her hand around my neck. Was bullied to hell and back at school for being the weird and quiet girl. Then when I think it's all over, my grandmother developed an illness that we think might have been dementia and she lost her mind and started abusing me while I had to take care of her as she was dying. My mother was too busy lashing out at me to support me during this time. I was extremely isolated and had absolutely no one to turn to. I lost my mind when that happened, started becoming delusional. Full-blown delusions. I still have an imaginary friend to this day, I am 22 and the trauma has made me lose my mind. Most days I don't even know what's real and what's not anymore. I am just existing.

I think at this point I am just exhausted. I wondered if I felt so horrible because of what that man did to me, but I realized it's not even him. It's everything else. Everyone I have relied on, trusted, and needed has betrayed me and discarded me when I needed them the most. Everyone has used me, abused me, and threw me aside like I was nothing once they were done. The one time I trusted someone and opened up to them and let them in, past the hard stone brick walls I developed over the course of years to protect myself, this happens. It will always happen. It will never stop happening. I was born alone and broken and I will die alone and broken.

I already chose SN as my method because it's relatively peaceful when done right. I can't see things ever getting better for me. I had healed from my trauma but now all of my healing got reversed, just like that. I am just a huge, open, gaping wound. Things that I let roll off my back before now hit me squarely in the chest like a bullet. People in public look down on me, avoid me, or treat me like I'm scum. I have never actually experienced true, pure, unconditional love. My parents' "love" was/is very conditional and was overshadowed by never-ending hate. I have never actually been able to truly open up or connect to anyone in my entire life. I opened up to my ex, and it turns out he never loved me. I just want to rest. I feel so much all the time and it's always pain. I just want to stop feeling. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop having to live with the memories of abuse and loss and bullying always flooding my mind. I want to die.
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
44,493
I'm sorry that you have suffered so much in life. It sounds unbearable what you are going through. Some people really are so cruel and horrible. I hope that you find relief from your pain in whatever happens, I wish you the best.
 
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September5th

September5th

You can get better. But the choice is always ours.
May 17, 2022
244
I feel your pain... Love is destructive. "I just want to rest". That's exactly what I just said to myself... Wish you well. We're great and deserve peace
 
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Sister of the Moon

Sister of the Moon

Student
Dec 17, 2021
188
I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. I could have written much of what you wrote myself. It is all truly horrific and I feel for anyone going through this agony. Know that you are not alone. Bless you.
 
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greencondo

greencondo

Member
Sep 25, 2019
87
Damn, the predatory older man, they can do a number on people. I'm sorry to hear about that and your past trauma.
 
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SadJessu

SadJessu

Just tired.
Aug 17, 2020
168
Feels like reading a post about myself. Wasted my teen years and twenties by being in love and in an emotionally controlling relationship with my secondary school teacher. This on top of parental emotional (and occasionally physical) abuse and relentless bullying. It fucks you up in such a way that you're just emotionally broken. I've become a complete fuck up in my new relationship and 30s because my life has turned me into such a selfish, but equally terrified person.

I understand, I'm so incredibly tired too.
 
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K

kiahkitten

Member
Aug 7, 2022
7
I feel the same way you do but because of a different context. When I asked for help I was betrayed, abused, and treated like scum too. My mistrust of the mental health system runs so deep I will never ask for help again.

I just want to rest, and stop feeling and thinking as well. It will always happen again, just like you said.

You're not alone and I hope you find peace.
 
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C

chloramine

Mage
Apr 18, 2022
504
That's so incredibly unfair. I know that's obvious, but. I'm sorry people kept screwing your over and betraying you. You didn't deserve any of that and it's all so wrong. I hope you can find some relief.
 

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