Just a stupid rant

[dailyfreezing]

For a while, I've been going back and forth with writing here, mainly because I find it tremendously difficult to talk about what I experience. I'm going to start with my reaction to cannabinoids. This has happened for about two years when smoking weed (it's why I started to do it only very rarely), and recently I stumbled upon HHC, which I thought would solve the problem of paranoia at least, but it didn't, it was all the same. After I smoke, isolation takes a very powerful form and I feel dissociated, disconnected from everything and everyone around me. I seem to reside in a place of sheer hopelessness where I already resigned to the idea that I have to eventually put an end to all of this. Even the moments spreading out through time lose their innate interconnectedness and that's where anxiety creeps in. I can no longer trust that I have acted in a normal way in public or with the person next to me, and I fear that, not being in full control of my body, I might draw attention to myself by unknowingly doing something strange. Of course, one could think, "Then just stop taking these substances and you won't experience this stuff anymore". But what I actually feel is that the way I relate to the world when these chemical reactions occur is something that I only manage to keep under control thanks to distractions and, basically, unconsciously lying to myself that there's nothing to worry about, when, in fact, there's everything to worry about. I'm drained of all possible motivation to do something for myself, I can't commit to anything and I only make do with fragmentary distractions, as I mentioned earlier. In reality, I came to the conclusion that I'm an insignificant individual who already gave up, in the face of all the awful things that happen and/or have always happened around me and around us, from the terrible atrocities humans condone to the sheer unfairness of nature, where competing with other living things is the only way to survive but eventually everyone dies anyway. I myself know that I've lost the genetic lottery, I've suffered almost my entire life from a low self-esteem because of not being attractive enough, while others were just lucky enough to be, not even by merit, if that ever mattered. I'm regularly worried about being left by the few people that are still in my life, especially my boyfriend (our relationship has been very unstable from the beginning), because of this empty self and sense of resignation that won't allow me to keep up to the standards. It's also why I can't get to connect to anyone new. With expired resources and a prevalent sense of futility, I know that I can't amount to whatever would be expected of me. I've also been severely haunted by the idea that I might live long enough to see my loved ones dead, and my youth annihilated and replaced by blunt ugliness and unredeemable regrets about what I could have done but didn't, stuck in this loop of inactivity and fear. All this stuff is not even coherent, but if I were to summarize all this, I'd say that I can't get over fear, the fear of being left alone, the fear of not killing myself before everything gets significantly worse, the fear of failing in everything I would attempt, and the fear that the fear won't go away. The wording is so awful I'm actually ashamed of having written this.