xoxo13
Member
- Jan 9, 2022
- 13
peace y'all, just wanted to make a lil intro post to feel like less of a lurker lol. im
a 25 y/o femme (ID as non-binary at the moment but honestly feel so dissociated / disembodied idk how to even process my gender at the moment). have been peeping this site for awhile, was pissed to see the anti autonomy "exposés" about it, and finally decided to make a profile.
i've been s*icidal for years, like that doesn't feel new, but the lows of the past 2 years have felt different. have had some close attempts but nothing solid, mom tried to get me committed but narrowly escaped that lmao. i know a lot of it has been experiencing the extremes of bipolar i, and i feel *most* myself in my hypomanic state (when i feel sociable and at least reasonably confident, love to be out the house and around others, and having at least interesting - though sometimes spiraling - thoughts). but this latest depressive episode is making me feel like the things i feel in those states are actually delusions … like when i *really* sit with it, i'm really fucking unhappy, feel like i've failed to stay in real/supportive relationships with the many friends i've met in my life (like when they rly * get to know me they realize i'm not actually that interesting or caring), and i'm not excited to do shit lol (i feel like old me / "real" me or something was hella curious, intellectual, & def politically active).
also this episode has made me self-isolate SO intensely, i feel anxious to be around even close friends or even get on the phone, because i feel like i have 2 thoughts a day and they're both p much about suicide. i am on the highest dose of my anti depressant that i feel like REally brought me out of my episode last year.
i feel blessed to know i have fam & friends concerned about me (currently at my mom's crib rn and have friends from the city i was living in before checking in often) but for some reason that's made me feel worse … like i wish it would just get to a point where they would let me go. and sometimes it does feel like that, like they check on me as a matter of obligation, but not having me around doesn't ~really~ affected them (friendshipwise is a longer story with COVID and moving and a psychotic episode this past summer for another time).
when i've been s*icidal before it felt real, but i felt like i had friends and loved ones i could be closer to my *real* self with, and that saved my life. but now that feels different, and it's felt that way for awhile. and somehow just feels like, too late especially in this self that is mostly isolating / avoidant.
like yes this is depression but also feels like some larger realization that a lot of my life has felt … like an act, like a farce. i've come to this realization before and i think that's why this time i've felt so over this shit and ready to end it.
anyway these are just some rambling thoughts ~ not sure if this made sense or flowed but yep that's where i'm at atm
a 25 y/o femme (ID as non-binary at the moment but honestly feel so dissociated / disembodied idk how to even process my gender at the moment). have been peeping this site for awhile, was pissed to see the anti autonomy "exposés" about it, and finally decided to make a profile.
i've been s*icidal for years, like that doesn't feel new, but the lows of the past 2 years have felt different. have had some close attempts but nothing solid, mom tried to get me committed but narrowly escaped that lmao. i know a lot of it has been experiencing the extremes of bipolar i, and i feel *most* myself in my hypomanic state (when i feel sociable and at least reasonably confident, love to be out the house and around others, and having at least interesting - though sometimes spiraling - thoughts). but this latest depressive episode is making me feel like the things i feel in those states are actually delusions … like when i *really* sit with it, i'm really fucking unhappy, feel like i've failed to stay in real/supportive relationships with the many friends i've met in my life (like when they rly * get to know me they realize i'm not actually that interesting or caring), and i'm not excited to do shit lol (i feel like old me / "real" me or something was hella curious, intellectual, & def politically active).
also this episode has made me self-isolate SO intensely, i feel anxious to be around even close friends or even get on the phone, because i feel like i have 2 thoughts a day and they're both p much about suicide. i am on the highest dose of my anti depressant that i feel like REally brought me out of my episode last year.
i feel blessed to know i have fam & friends concerned about me (currently at my mom's crib rn and have friends from the city i was living in before checking in often) but for some reason that's made me feel worse … like i wish it would just get to a point where they would let me go. and sometimes it does feel like that, like they check on me as a matter of obligation, but not having me around doesn't ~really~ affected them (friendshipwise is a longer story with COVID and moving and a psychotic episode this past summer for another time).
when i've been s*icidal before it felt real, but i felt like i had friends and loved ones i could be closer to my *real* self with, and that saved my life. but now that feels different, and it's felt that way for awhile. and somehow just feels like, too late especially in this self that is mostly isolating / avoidant.
like yes this is depression but also feels like some larger realization that a lot of my life has felt … like an act, like a farce. i've come to this realization before and i think that's why this time i've felt so over this shit and ready to end it.
anyway these are just some rambling thoughts ~ not sure if this made sense or flowed but yep that's where i'm at atm
