Wernove
I take lots of drugs, but the best one is music
- Mar 12, 2023
- 11
Hi, just a little description of myself, maybe talking about this will make me feel better, I still don't know if I plan to kill myself or live ( excuse my poor english, it's not my native language, i'm french actually).
So i've dealth with suicidal tendancies for the past 2 years, It started really in my last year of highschool, because I spent the whole year, alone, having literally no one to talk to. This led to me starting cutting myself, and hurting myself, just to "feel" something, because, with my empty life, I'd have no contact with other people, no emotions, nothing.
I guess I'm more likely to have suicidal thoughts than others, it's kind of written in me. Both of my parents have tried to commit suicide in their life, my younger brother too. I've suffered in my childhood from the lack of love and attention, wich contribued to abandonment issues. This, and the fact that I've no shared interests with no one, made my socials relations pretty hard with people.
This was last year. But this year I got in to college (well the equivalent of college in France), and I made friends with 2 guys, who are really awesome. But appart from this, I still had problems with others ( I'm a person that makes a lot, lot of jokes, jokes that no one (except my friends & family) gets, I'm always trying to "destabilize" people just for fun, but most of them just think that I'm crazy.). This could end here, with a slight progress, but no, of course I had to : fall in love. She was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and I got obsessed about her, I'd think of her every minute, trying to come up with plans to get to talk to her. I've finally made contact with her, and she made it clear that she was'not interested. This made me more sad and depressed than I'd ever been (In parallel I had started smoking weed and drinking, wich got me into a lot of trouble with the college administration) , and it led to my 1st attempt to leave this world. I was stoned as fuck, and I wanted to jump out of my windown, but I saw the girl from my window, and in this moment of innatention, I've slipped and fell off the window, on my bedroom floor, on wich I passed out for 1h (I know, this is the worst attempt ever). It's been 2 months since, (since this, I've stopped drinking and everything) and I've had no suicidal thoughts, nothing. Until, 2 days ago (I've started working in a restaurant (when you study cooking, like I do, you study for one half of the year, and the other half, you work in a restaurant), and the pressure, the stress, and the fact that I've also started smoking again (eveyrone else at work is doing it, so it was impossible to not start again), put me into a horrible state of mind, and I feel like I might completely loose it, and finally do it (not saying kill myself is bad, it could be the solution actually).
So i've dealth with suicidal tendancies for the past 2 years, It started really in my last year of highschool, because I spent the whole year, alone, having literally no one to talk to. This led to me starting cutting myself, and hurting myself, just to "feel" something, because, with my empty life, I'd have no contact with other people, no emotions, nothing.
I guess I'm more likely to have suicidal thoughts than others, it's kind of written in me. Both of my parents have tried to commit suicide in their life, my younger brother too. I've suffered in my childhood from the lack of love and attention, wich contribued to abandonment issues. This, and the fact that I've no shared interests with no one, made my socials relations pretty hard with people.
This was last year. But this year I got in to college (well the equivalent of college in France), and I made friends with 2 guys, who are really awesome. But appart from this, I still had problems with others ( I'm a person that makes a lot, lot of jokes, jokes that no one (except my friends & family) gets, I'm always trying to "destabilize" people just for fun, but most of them just think that I'm crazy.). This could end here, with a slight progress, but no, of course I had to : fall in love. She was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and I got obsessed about her, I'd think of her every minute, trying to come up with plans to get to talk to her. I've finally made contact with her, and she made it clear that she was'not interested. This made me more sad and depressed than I'd ever been (In parallel I had started smoking weed and drinking, wich got me into a lot of trouble with the college administration) , and it led to my 1st attempt to leave this world. I was stoned as fuck, and I wanted to jump out of my windown, but I saw the girl from my window, and in this moment of innatention, I've slipped and fell off the window, on my bedroom floor, on wich I passed out for 1h (I know, this is the worst attempt ever). It's been 2 months since, (since this, I've stopped drinking and everything) and I've had no suicidal thoughts, nothing. Until, 2 days ago (I've started working in a restaurant (when you study cooking, like I do, you study for one half of the year, and the other half, you work in a restaurant), and the pressure, the stress, and the fact that I've also started smoking again (eveyrone else at work is doing it, so it was impossible to not start again), put me into a horrible state of mind, and I feel like I might completely loose it, and finally do it (not saying kill myself is bad, it could be the solution actually).
