Will-o-Wisp
New Member
- Nov 27, 2023
- 1
Hey everyone, just thought I'd share my story.
I'm 29 now, male, and I've struggled with depression and anxiety since I was around 12. I also began periodic and relatively minor self-harm habits around the same time. A few years ago I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder following a couple of major breakdowns and a drastic increase in self-harm behavior. Since then I've been through lots of therapy and various medications to try and sort myself out, which seemed to make a difference for a little while, but things have taken a turn for the worse this past year. I'm at perhaps the lowest point of my life with each day seemingly worse than the last. I'm at the point where I've essentially decided to ctb.
I've been here before. I tried to hang myself with an electrical cord years ago when I was 17 and very nearly succeeded. I passed out for a while, came back to consciousness very slowly, experienced a sort of brief paralysis, and then suddenly ripped the cord in a burst of adrenaline and fear. It was terrifying, and I effectively swore off suicide for quite a while after that. I was able to hide my attempt for a time before confessing to my parents, who didn't think much of it. No actions were taken, and I moved on as best I could.
I didn't really have any major suicidal thoughts up until a few years ago, though my mental and emotional state always remained pretty strained and erratic. I'd started traveling, making friends, trying new things, doing work that I largely enjoyed, even if it didn't make hardly any money. I had a decent run for a while. I met my girlfriend who I've been with for some years now. I love her deeply and she's been nothing but supportive and patient with me through it all. I'm lucky in so, so many ways. I was able to make a good, exciting adulthood for myself despite my extremely dark and lonely adolescence. But through it all ran a current of pain and self-hatred that I've never been able to shake. It's always been there, and I've always tried to get away from it, but it always catches back up to me. I'm profoundly tired of fighting this side of myself. I'm profoundly tired of the struggle.
I've reached a place where all the dreams and interests of my twenties have faded away and I'm left directionless. The feeling of emptiness is beyond brutal. I was unable to go through college, and I've been unable to stick to a trade, art, or career in any lasting way. All of my friendships have been transient in nature and temporary. Despite the assurances of my loved ones, I'm convinced that I'm an emotional and financial burden. Perhaps I should be more gracious with myself, but it's incredibly difficult to see how dependent I am on others. My girlfriend is so desperate that she's nearly had me admitted. I've become less open about my thoughts and feelings as a result of this. I'd very much prefer to avoid the hospital after a pretty horrific experience in the ER related to my depression, and after reading so many horror stories. I know that I'll be forced into a psych ward if I'm honest about where I'm at. So I've started to keep a lid on it as much as I can.
I'm planning on partial hanging as my method. I'm already familiar with it, and it feels like the only really accessible option. I went down the SN rabbit hole when I found this site but I don't feel very confident in it. I'm very, very afraid of brain damage as a result of a failed hanging so I'm taking as many precautions as I can to make sure I'm not found. I'll likely do it in the woods on a weekday, with a rope that I've already bought and learned how to tie. This is not at all the way I want to go, but our society doesn't make it easy.
I'm not really sure how much longer I intend to be around. I'm pretty much playing it by ear each day. I've been trying to get my suicide notes in order but it's starting to feel like I'm just postponing the inevitable. I'm probably just scared. But I'm also so ready to end the pain. If you have any questions or pointers, shoot. I'm very appreciative of this community and I'd like to be involved in some way or another while I can.
I'm 29 now, male, and I've struggled with depression and anxiety since I was around 12. I also began periodic and relatively minor self-harm habits around the same time. A few years ago I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder following a couple of major breakdowns and a drastic increase in self-harm behavior. Since then I've been through lots of therapy and various medications to try and sort myself out, which seemed to make a difference for a little while, but things have taken a turn for the worse this past year. I'm at perhaps the lowest point of my life with each day seemingly worse than the last. I'm at the point where I've essentially decided to ctb.
I've been here before. I tried to hang myself with an electrical cord years ago when I was 17 and very nearly succeeded. I passed out for a while, came back to consciousness very slowly, experienced a sort of brief paralysis, and then suddenly ripped the cord in a burst of adrenaline and fear. It was terrifying, and I effectively swore off suicide for quite a while after that. I was able to hide my attempt for a time before confessing to my parents, who didn't think much of it. No actions were taken, and I moved on as best I could.
I didn't really have any major suicidal thoughts up until a few years ago, though my mental and emotional state always remained pretty strained and erratic. I'd started traveling, making friends, trying new things, doing work that I largely enjoyed, even if it didn't make hardly any money. I had a decent run for a while. I met my girlfriend who I've been with for some years now. I love her deeply and she's been nothing but supportive and patient with me through it all. I'm lucky in so, so many ways. I was able to make a good, exciting adulthood for myself despite my extremely dark and lonely adolescence. But through it all ran a current of pain and self-hatred that I've never been able to shake. It's always been there, and I've always tried to get away from it, but it always catches back up to me. I'm profoundly tired of fighting this side of myself. I'm profoundly tired of the struggle.
I've reached a place where all the dreams and interests of my twenties have faded away and I'm left directionless. The feeling of emptiness is beyond brutal. I was unable to go through college, and I've been unable to stick to a trade, art, or career in any lasting way. All of my friendships have been transient in nature and temporary. Despite the assurances of my loved ones, I'm convinced that I'm an emotional and financial burden. Perhaps I should be more gracious with myself, but it's incredibly difficult to see how dependent I am on others. My girlfriend is so desperate that she's nearly had me admitted. I've become less open about my thoughts and feelings as a result of this. I'd very much prefer to avoid the hospital after a pretty horrific experience in the ER related to my depression, and after reading so many horror stories. I know that I'll be forced into a psych ward if I'm honest about where I'm at. So I've started to keep a lid on it as much as I can.
I'm planning on partial hanging as my method. I'm already familiar with it, and it feels like the only really accessible option. I went down the SN rabbit hole when I found this site but I don't feel very confident in it. I'm very, very afraid of brain damage as a result of a failed hanging so I'm taking as many precautions as I can to make sure I'm not found. I'll likely do it in the woods on a weekday, with a rope that I've already bought and learned how to tie. This is not at all the way I want to go, but our society doesn't make it easy.
I'm not really sure how much longer I intend to be around. I'm pretty much playing it by ear each day. I've been trying to get my suicide notes in order but it's starting to feel like I'm just postponing the inevitable. I'm probably just scared. But I'm also so ready to end the pain. If you have any questions or pointers, shoot. I'm very appreciative of this community and I'd like to be involved in some way or another while I can.
