Venting Jumping between suicidality and fear of death

[orpheus_]

The greatest irony of my life is probably the fact that it's governed by suicidality and obsessive fear of death at the same time.


I've thought about death since I can remember, since I was a child. I remember falling asleep in my bed and imagining I'm lying in a coffin, feeling dread about the fact that I will cease to exist and trying to "get used to it". I was anxious about dying so much that I obsessively avoided things that could kill me. For example when I was 6 I stopped eating for a few weeks because I found out that humans can choke on food. Or I couldn't sleep because I was afraid I would not wake up again. Or I was obsessively scared of gas stoves because of the fear they will blow up if the gas leaks...


I also always thought about how meaningless everything is, and that the world is too complicated for us to comprehend. I was raised catholic so when I was younger I looked for hope in God, but no matter how hard I tried to "convince" myself to believe - I couldn't.


Sometimes I had thoughts of ending this life, because, logically: if I do not force myself to care about anything and not get attached to things in this world, embrace the fact that it's meaningless - I will not have anything holding me here. Then I will be able to kill myself, die on my own rules - I will want to die, so dying will not be as bad as it would be if I died of old age of an illness or anything. Because if I keep living, I need to hold onto something, some people, some values - it will inevitably happen; so one day when death comes and I don't want it

Also, just... The thought that everything will disappear anyway, just makes me generally unmotivated to do anything. Why should I study, have hobbies, care about my health and stuff if I will be six feet under sooner or later? I used to find some meaning in art and writing, but why create anything if everyone's going to die? It leaves me aimless, empty and bored because nothing satisfies me.


I started actually considering suicide at 17 because earlier I was too concerned about hurting my parents, and also didn't really have any access to reliable methods. But with time I realized that I don't matter much, even to people, and they will be happier without me. And since then I've been constantly in the process of:


I want to die -> survival instinct/fear of missing out on life -> I try to get better and convince myself that life is worth living -> I stop craving death -> I start fearing death -> I remember that death is inevitable and everything is meaningless -> I stop pushing myself to do anything and care about anything because it doesn't matter, and even if I find things that have meaning for me I'm going to lose them when I die anyway -> I have no motivation to do anything, everything is dreadfully boring, life is painful -> I want to die


I mean, before I also went through this thought process all the time but I couldn't kill myself. But then it became a real option.

Technically the arguments for killing myself are more rational but something in me doesn't want to give up on this life. I *know* I don't matter, everything's empty and there's no purpose and these thoughts keep coming back to me all the time. So the cycle goes on and on. And both the state of wanting to die and fearing death are insufferable, painful, and there's no possibility to stay in the inbetween. Actually the inbetween is even worse. Sometimes at the same time I'm planning to kill myself and wanting to live and have a better life. I wish I could commit to anything, at one hand I really want to just experience a good life and help others, so I want to "recover" but then the fear of death comes back and I'm thinking.. is it even worth it? Maybe I should do the opposite and drive myself further into suicidality so I will finally end it.

I know not many people read long posts like this, especially vents but maybe someone here can relate and knows any ways how to deal with it.

 

[monetpompo]

I want to die -> survival instinct/fear of missing out on life -> I try to get better and convince myself that life is worth living -> I stop craving death -> I start fearing death -> I remember that death is inevitable and everything is meaningless -> I stop pushing myself to do anything and care about anything because it doesn't matter, and even if I find things that have meaning for me I'm going to lose them when I die anyway -> I have no motivation to do anything, everything is dreadfully boring, life is painful -> I want to die

super articulate post that describes the process of recovery and relapse, and the feeling of being aware of your mortality really well. i enjoyed reading it a lot.

i have been horrifically lost in the sauce lately because i have no interest in anything and think that it'd be easier to die than face the reality that things change and are allowed to change. i fear loss and change more than death, because while i know death will always be out of my control, losing something or someone will be "my fault", in some way. the loss of relationships, motivation, aspirations, and of time keep me shackled to my bed because it feels like the world is going too fast and i think that everyone is excelling, being happy, and celebrating while i rot in real time.

as a kid, i felt horried by the idea that suicide was a sin because i think that i've always wanted to do it. i've always felt unwanted and being unwanted meant i deserved to die in order to be "wanted" (missed) again. now i know that religion is fake and i have no way to believe in it. even if hell is real i think that i deserve to go there, so i don't really care when my mom says i'll go to hell anymore. it's something that she tells herself.

Actually the inbetween is even worse. Sometimes at the same time I'm planning to kill myself and wanting to live and have a better life. I wish I could commit to anything, at one hand I really want to just experience a good life and help others, so I want to "recover" but then the fear of death comes back and I'm thinking.. is it even worth it? Maybe I should do the opposite and drive myself further into suicidality so I will finally end it.

this is what i relate to the most.

here's a snippet of a post i made today while in my usual depressed haze:

i'm not happy, so i should be dead, but i'm still alive and i've been unhappy for a long time at this point while other people are happier than me. i fantasize a lot about the moment i'll finally drop dead, even if it's painful, scary, or i regret it immediately. i can't seem to go through with hanging even though that's what i planned on doing this whole time. i'm just too much of a coward, but all the other methods i have "access to" right now could just put me in the hospital and then into the ward. i think about suicide and stabbing myself in the chest pretty much every day because i feel like i have nothing left to live for. everyone's happy and found their reasons to live, or they like being alive enough to not kill themselves, while i'm still suffering in the same place.

i'm worthless. i know that i am. i know that i should drop dead if all i can manage to do is lay in bed and stare at my phone. i want to buy benadryl from the grocery store so i sleep more. i can't admit to anyone that i'd rather be laying in bed like a comatose person than doing anything else with my day. no one will care if i keep acting like this and nothing will happen. another day will just pass me by and no one will think of me, because it's depressing to think about me. i'm alone all the time with no aspirations and no way to leave the house.

i think the funniest thing i did today was being on hold with a therapy clinic and discussing my insurance, while i had a tab open for diphenhydramine overdoses on my laptop. i've been thinking about killing myself heavily for the past 5 days now because waking up just makes me feel anguish. but the misery makes me feel so bad that i feel like a part of me wants to get better so that i can stop feeling like this for even a moment. the lack of resources and community in my life make me miserable and makes my friends want to distance themselves from me because i just talk about how sad i am that i don't want to do anything. no one wants to be my therapist and i don't fault them for it. no one needs to stay my friend if i'm not serving them.

it's just kind of miserable to be in between because your life never really "ends" when you're suicidal until you're already dead. you can always back out at any moment, but you'll still be alive and alone. the lesser evil is living in suffering and uncertainty while recovery promises something pleasant but imaginary. the reasons to kill yourself are more "real" because the problems and fears that are making you want to do it will never have to be resolved if you die instead. that's why it's so easy for me to see it as an option when i've lost hope in everything else. "at least i can die, everyone dies". the people around me are tired of talking me out of it and will accept if i do it or not.