Venting Jealousy and hatred live with me

[midwallace]

Ever felt that gut feeling of envy and jealousy for everything and everyone who is happier or better than you?
I feel it most of the time, it's exhausting and embarrassing because I don't really wanna be that way.

My best friend's birthday was yesterday (yeah 9/11) and she got cheated on a few days ago. Couldn't help but want to say 'I told you' but I don't know if it's because I didn't trust that man or because deep down I hated him because since they started dating she got more distant and we stopped talking daily. Then she says she wants to get back with him just because of a few sweet words he said to her and I want to tell her to not be stupid and i know she's not. I've never fallen in love with someone romantically, never felt that kind of love in general, but I do get a bit of obsessive traits with some friends I had, like her. Idk why that happens to me or what is it due to and I know it's not normal, but it also infuriates me that I can't say anything because we're just that, we're just friends. It makes me feel jealous for some reason, even if I know I would never be with her romantically or with anyone, then I start hating her for leaving me behind.

It's been a stupid month, a really unnecessary one. Now I will be referring to suicide prevention month, especially the 10th. I was forced to go to a talk in something at the college I don't even attend yet, but I had to go. It was a talk about suicide prevention. This generally seems for me like a bad joke. It's like "hey! there's help in front of you, but guess what? You can't afford it even if you wanted to, and anyway you're too coward to ask for a privilege like help!". At least that's how it feels to me, specially when they say there's other way. What other way? Eat and sleep better?Think more positively? Should I see a psychologist i can't even afford? Reach out to someone? I'm running out of friends and I would never talk with my family about it. They talk as if it were easy, to just help someone or be the one who asks for help. That also fills me with jealousy and hatred, because they only care about keeping you alive but don't tell you how, they don't tell you what will really happen after if you survive. At least that's how it felt for me.

Since childhood I have lived filled with envy, jealousy, and immense hatred towards myself or even others, people that were supposed to care about me and ended up hurting me. I always envied my friends' happy, functional families or their money. I always envied the beauty of my friends who were always someone's crush or did get approached by guys or girls. I envied being able to feel that kind of love they described, when all I felt when I thought I was "falling in love" was instead of butterflies in my stomach I felt rats or something like that. I envy people who are so certain of themselves and can get friends or help easily.

I don't know how to get rid of that feeling.

 

[Vombie12]

I feel this a lot. I don't think there's any way to get rid of such strong emotions, I believe it's just the minds way of reacting to your own trauma/the things you've gone through in life. Idk if it would help, but seeing a social worker. They're sometimes free, and deal more with how you feel and react to events socially. From my experience, they aren't great but they're better than nothing. Its okay to feel that way though, as long as it isn't actually hurting anyone. It's the way you see it, the way you process it, and to feel strongly over things that you crave badly yourself is just basic human nature. This sounds super cliche, but getting better friends that GENUINELY care for you is bound to help. Ik thats super challenging (I just those isolation tbh) but thats reality. I hope that you do find ppl that you feel you can go to, talk to abt how you feel, and that more of those negatove emotions turn to something positive; but never beat yourself down for feeling that way! On a off note tho, I'm so sorry you had to sit through a suicide prevention thing- that just sounds like absolute torture omg :(

 

[midwallace]

I'm happy to hear u got at least a social worker and friends to help you through it. It's just probably that I've felt it all my life and just lately I've been noticing it more, its not hurting anyone but idk if it's because they are not noticing at all. It's really draining when it's convincing me that help isn't something "someone like me" should or could get. I know I should give it a chance, but idk how to feel about it yet. Thank u tho, I really hope I find friends some day that understand or even a way to make it better (or at least not worse). And yeah, for me the whole suicide prevention thing felt like a torture but I tried not to pay much attention to it. Thanks again :)

 

[Vombie12]

I'm happy to hear u got at least a social worker and friends to help you through it. It's just probably that I've felt it all my life and just lately I've been noticing it more, its not hurting anyone but idk if it's because they are not noticing at all. It's really draining when it's convincing me that help isn't something "someone like me" should or could get. I know I should give it a chance, but idk how to feel about it yet. Thank u tho, I really hope I find friends some day that understand or even a way to make it better (or at least not worse). And yeah, for me the whole suicide prevention thing felt like a torture but I tried not to pay much attention to it. Thanks again :)

Ofc !! Honestly, you being here says enough. You deserve to get help, as your struggles are valid, no matter how "big or small" society chooses to see it. If it impacts you negatively and you want to make a change, you deserve every resourse you need <3 And honestly, with ppl not noticing- so many people are oblivious to mental health and social-related struggles or only choose to see things at surface level. You could say it to their face, and they most likely wouldn't understand fully. Even so, that's not everyone- and hopefully you get that friend thats perfect for you ^^