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PinballWizard39

PinballWizard39

Student
May 3, 2024
133
Ok, so this is my situation and I need to know if this is just me or not. Very long story short, I have suffered from all sorts that people like to label depression, anxiety, PTSD, CPTSD, anorexia, bulimia, self harm etc etc.. for over 25 years. It stems from years of abuse and trauma and mistreatment from the mental health teams on top. This last 6 months or so, the MH team had to take me back on after spending years ignoring me and my doctors referrals (I had a massive breakdown at work :( ). AFter a month of two of faffing with medication, I was told I could access longer term therapy (up to a year), to help me overcome some of my issues, however, on the first session I was told I was actually only getting 12 sessions. The little hope I was given, got smashed in front of my face. If my depression wasn't bad before, it was then, and since then, I have just been getting lower and lower. Over that time I've been coming here more and more (I did come here back in Nov//Dec time, I just lurked at the time though). I feel like there is nothing else I can do but ctb. After these session finish in about 3/4 weeks time, I won't be eligible for anymore and the NHS is seriously broken so there won't be anymore help. They have all themselves suggested I go private, but seeing as I'm not even well enough to work full time, and I only make minimum wage, I am barely affording to pay all my bills.

I can't live like this anymore. I am becoming more and more bitter towards people because I envy all that they have. I hate listening to people talk about their kids, their partners, the cinema they went to, the festivals they danced at. Their weddings, their career goals - all of it - it makes me want to cry and yell at them all to shut the fuck up. I hate it and I hate me for becoming like this - this isn't me. I feel like I am so angry because I don't actually want to die, but with the situation how it is, I do not see any alternative. I'm nearly 40 and my life feels like it hasn't even begun and not through any fault of my own. I'm always looking for the help I need, I try to better my life in any way I can and I blocked in every god-damn way. It's not even just that I can't live like this anymore, I don't want to live like this if this is as good as it gets. And it's looking very much like this really is as good as it gets for me. I'm even thinking of bringing the ctb date forward.

Does anyone else experience increased bitterness and envy?

Sorry for the length of the post.
 
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lack

lack

im sorry for what i said
Sep 14, 2023
64
i feel very much the same. just offered 10 sessions of therapy, after reaching out for support.. feeling tired of hearing of everyone elses lives which are so fucking incredibly unrelatable and feeling like my life hasnt even begun.. while everyone else my age seems to be thriving if not at least striving and im over here fucking hardly surviving. and all for what? lately it feels like life is so fucking pointless, there's way too much unnecessary suffering on a global scale for any of us to fully ever really be able to feel any kind of real peace; it's impossible to relax when there's so much horrible shit in the world, and it really feels like theres so many existential threats regarding the climate... and it feels like the only thing people around me care about is material goods, or a sense of success. and accomplishments (all of which i cant even partake in for various reasons). it feels hard not to yearn for those things, too, and to know im so fucking far away from them. between the personal suffering, the global suffering and the general ignorance to everything.. makes me just, so full of every bad emotion. jealousy, bitterness, resentment, fury.. i don't even have a job (i get a bit of assistance from my government for disability), but i've been trying to get a job. i keep being told that the support i need as a disabled person to have customized help with employment is going to take longer than originally expected, but i had to move recently and i have no money for food or bills at all without a job.. it all feels like its falling apart.. i literally have yelled at many of my friends and family due to the disconnect between them blabbering on about career goals and weddings and concerts and movies and whatever dumb shit they all fucking talk about that i am never apart of and feel that i wont ever have. i respect your restraint, i wish i had that as maybe my friends and family wouldn't be afraid of interacting with me so much.

i feel like im barely keeping my head above the water, so to speak.. just to see the best of what's waiting "on land" for me isn't any better.


the only people who i relate to are people who are basically fed up and finished with life, which is an odd reassurance that at times keeps me going.. but with politics and climate change and everything bearing down; i just.. i also just want to ctb and i've been making more plans towards that, lately. i don't know what the point of working towards anything else other than death is.


a footnote; i live in canada and i assume youre in the UK. i think its so fucked up that it reaches all over the world, this exact sort of situation.
a person is forced to suffer due to a lack of support, but theyre also forbidden to end the suffering in any way other than a gruesome one, alone. it breaks my heart. but it usually pushes me to want to leave this hellscape even more. what an awful place where we force each other to suffer and deny the support they need to either live a better life or even just end it all entirely. urgh.
im rambling, im sorry.
 
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PinballWizard39

PinballWizard39

Student
May 3, 2024
133
i feel very much the same. just offered 10 sessions of therapy, after reaching out for support.. feeling tired of hearing of everyone elses lives which are so fucking incredibly unrelatable and feeling like my life hasnt even begun.. while everyone else my age seems to be thriving if not at least striving and im over here fucking hardly surviving. and all for what? lately it feels like life is so fucking pointless, there's way too much unnecessary suffering on a global scale for any of us to fully ever really be able to feel any kind of real peace; it's impossible to relax when there's so much horrible shit in the world, and it really feels like theres so many existential threats regarding the climate... and it feels like the only thing people around me care about is material goods, or a sense of success. and accomplishments (all of which i cant even partake in for various reasons). it feels hard not to yearn for those things, too, and to know im so fucking far away from them. between the personal suffering, the global suffering and the general ignorance to everything.. makes me just, so full of every bad emotion. jealousy, bitterness, resentment, fury.. i don't even have a job (i get a bit of assistance from my government for disability), but i've been trying to get a job. i keep being told that the support i need as a disabled person to have customized help with employment is going to take longer than originally expected, but i had to move recently and i have no money for food or bills at all without a job.. it all feels like its falling apart.. i literally have yelled at many of my friends and family due to the disconnect between them blabbering on about career goals and weddings and concerts and movies and whatever dumb shit they all fucking talk about that i am never apart of and feel that i wont ever have. i respect your restraint, i wish i had that as maybe my friends and family wouldn't be afraid of interacting with me so much.

i feel like im barely keeping my head above the water, so to speak.. just to see the best of what's waiting "on land" for me isn't any better.


the only people who i relate to are people who are basically fed up and finished with life, which is an odd reassurance that at times keeps me going.. but with politics and climate change and everything bearing down; i just.. i also just want to ctb and i've been making more plans towards that, lately. i don't know what the point of working towards anything else other than death is.


a footnote; i live in canada and i assume youre in the UK. i think its so fucked up that it reaches all over the world, this exact sort of situation.
a person is forced to suffer due to a lack of support, but theyre also forbidden to end the suffering in any way other than a gruesome one, alone. it breaks my heart. but it usually pushes me to want to leave this hellscape even more. what an awful place where we force each other to suffer and deny the support they need to either live a better life or even just end it all entirely. urgh.
im rambling, im sorry.
In one respect, I am glad that I am not the only one to be feeling the way I am. At the same time, it's so wrong that you and others can relate. It shouldn't be like this at all.

A few weeks back I tried to get someone to listen (MH worker), I told them I was suicidal, though I gave them a different method when they asked (just in case they asked me to give it to them, though I had a hunch they wouldn't, but didn't want to take the chance). All they did was ask if they could get someone to call me 2 days later, because you know, 'you matter to us' and all that. I never received any phone call and no-one's checked up on me since. In one way it confirms to me that no-one who is 'supposed' to care, actually gives a crap, and there really is no other way out.

I am in the UK yeah. I get part time wages from work and the government thinks that topping it up by £100 is going to make up the difference. Ironically if I worked less hours, I'd be entitled to more from the government.
 
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lack

lack

im sorry for what i said
Sep 14, 2023
64
It's so upsetting to me that you didn't get that call (though sadly, unsurprising). stuff like that really pushes me over the edge; the confirmation that anyone who is supposed to care doesn't. especially when it's their literal job to do so.. it feels hard not to interpret it as them saying you're not important. the other sad reality that I think about a lot in these cases is that there's just a large workload of mentally ill people trying to access care and support and that people simply fall through the cracks as a result of overworked understaffed medical resources.. it's all just shit. for everyone.

ughhh, the sweet spot of being too fucked up and not fucked up enough. im so sorry they think £100 adds up to anything towards a decent quality of life for someone who's struggling with so many mental health concerns. the NHS sounds especially shit. Canada has it's own mess of healthcare bullshit, but it doesn't sound as bad as the NHS in some ways, so you have my further condolences on that (having to rely on the NHS, amongst all else).


it seems between all the different things that add up in the cost of living, it feels like there's no chance at a decent quality of life
 
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PinballWizard39

PinballWizard39

Student
May 3, 2024
133
I kind of in a similar situation to you in the UK, for whatever reason I haven't ended up settling, and it's crazy really. People can't understand why. I just ended up wasting to much time on a timewaster.

Now though, I'm kind of glad I don't have children I think of the shit I've had to go through and I'd hate to create a life and put them through it too

I hope that things get better for you pinball
Thank you.

Ditto on the spending too much time on a time waster - biggest regret of mine I have yet to come to terms with. I'm sorry that you're in a similar situation.
 
PinballWizard39

PinballWizard39

Student
May 3, 2024
133
It's so upsetting to me that you didn't get that call (though sadly, unsurprising). stuff like that really pushes me over the edge; the confirmation that anyone who is supposed to care doesn't. especially when it's their literal job to do so.. it feels hard not to interpret it as them saying you're not important. the other sad reality that I think about a lot in these cases is that there's just a large workload of mentally ill people trying to access care and support and that people simply fall through the cracks as a result of overworked understaffed medical resources.. it's all just shit. for everyone.

ughhh, the sweet spot of being too fucked up and not fucked up enough. im so sorry they think £100 adds up to anything towards a decent quality of life for someone who's struggling with so many mental health concerns. the NHS sounds especially shit. Canada has it's own mess of healthcare bullshit, but it doesn't sound as bad as the NHS in some ways, so you have my further condolences on that (having to rely on the NHS, amongst all else).


it seems between all the different things that add up in the cost of living, it feels like there's no chance at a decent quality of life
Yeah, it's kind of like 'you're literal job is to give a shit and you can't even do that'. My anger further gets riled up because of the amount of times they have failed me in the past, to the extent they denied me treatment for anorexia and I came within hours of dying. Saying all that about anger though, I have a very hard time expressing anger so when it starts leaking out, it comes out as me being really pissy with people. I guess that doesn't help how they then deem me. Still.

I have lots of empathy for the NHS problems, I work for them (not in MH thankfully), but sometimes I just want to say 'I came to you for help as a kid because I was fucked up, you fucked me up worse over several years, refused to help me further for years more whilst more trauma happened in my life, then you only take me on again because everyone's kicking off, now you try drugging me up again and offer me 12 sessions that are supposed to cure 25 years of trauma - are you having a laugh?' Because I'm not your ordinary MH patient, as in, I can function to some extent, even in my worst time, I quite often don't get believed or taken seriously. I have my care co-ordinator tomorrow and I'm guessing that will be fun times as usual. Sometimes I wonder if I should just tell her exactly what's going on for me, my plans to ctb and all the rest of it, just to see if she'd have any reaction at all. But, at the same time, I don't want to risk her removing my means. I definitely don't need to worry about being locked up, there's no psych beds anywhere anyway lol.

I don't know anything about the Canadian health care system but it doesn't sound much fun either.
Timewasters are the worst

Mine has added so much additional stress into my life as well. Pretty much the reason I'm typing on here now, that and my own stupidity 😂
I get you on that. I was with my ex for 9 years. He was an alcoholic who emotionally abused me and he would sexually assault me regularly - something I still have trouble saying out loud or putting the correct name to.
I'm sorry that you have had to experience someone who has left you feeling so bad. It's not your stupidity, it's his inability to treat people with human decency, you've done nothing wrong.
 
PinballWizard39

PinballWizard39

Student
May 3, 2024
133
So update on my stupid life and appointment this morning. I don't know what the hell happened but I had an almighty 'breakdown', which left me blurting out how I had a detailed plan and date and my hope for anything ever getting better was zero.. I'm not one to make a scene, but god.. She asked me if I would let her help and get the home treatment team involved. I argued that there was fuck all she or anyone else could do at this point. However, I only agreed because I don't want her or anyone else to throw shit at me in future like ' you do nothing to help yourself'. I made it clear I'd go along with it but I have 0 faith., hope or anything else from it.
She asked me to leave the room while she called them. They are now coming to see me tomorrow. No matter how much they might ask, I will not give up my means (not that they've asked me for them previously when I've told them). If it comes to it, I'll just give them the iron tablets or ethylene glycol I told them I felt like taking in the past. It means I can't go to work, which means another sick day that I don't get paid for. There's no guarantee they will take me on anyway so this could all be a distant memory by this time tomorrow. I feel so fucking low, so tormented because I really want to have hope, but at the same time, there really is none. I'm drinking vodka this evening just so I can escape from my fucking head for a bit.
 
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ninfanatic

ninfanatic

death is a beginning & not an end
Jul 3, 2024
45
You've been through so much pain that I don't think anyone could place blame on you for wanting to leave. Life should have treated you a lot better, it's unfair and confusing that so much trauma happens.

You deserve peace here already, but the dread of not attaining it is so painstaking, I know that, and if you go through with your plan, I hope you know that there are people here that will grieve your passing because we already empathize with your circumstances that make you want to do it. In addition to that, if you do choose to enact your plan to CTB, I hope you do not feel pain during it.

Well wishes to you. 💙
 
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snowbird

snowbird

Member
Jun 17, 2024
36
You are definitely not alone with feeling this way towards others.
I too am kinda jealous of people around me (especially my ex partner) who have friends and constantly do things and go out and I don't know anybody here and constantly feel left behind. Plus people talking about their families, partners and kids always pisses me off for some reason.

Since you mentioned the NHS, I know we're currently in the same country and honestly - health service here is utterly terrible. Let alone mental health services. Plus the current economy here is one of the worst in modern day countries.
(2 years ago our monthly water bill was 70, meanwhile it's over 130 and we even use less water than before...)
I hate it here and if I don't CTB before Christmas, I'll move back to my home country by the end of the year. I'm hoping things will be better there, that I have more of a chance in life. I'm also almost 40 and feel just as frustrated as you.
This country is done for and living here became horrible after certain political decisions... families are literally starving and the government is doing nothing. They don't care about us here. Fkn bellends!
 
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MatrixPrisoner

MatrixPrisoner

Enlightened
Jul 8, 2023
1,271
I can assure you that 90% what you hear from these people is being said by them to illicit this very reaction. Sensing jealously from others feeds their egos. What they won't say in front of your face are all the times the they regret having children, how stale and their marriages have become and their propensity to cheat, all the debt they have accrued trying to keep up with the Joneses, etc.

Don't belive me? Well, check these out...







Very few people live the perfect life. Most of it is a facade:


At one point I had it all. A wife, my own successful business, house, social circle, etc. I was pressured into thinking that that was what life was all about. Turns out that life isn't about anything at all. It's completely pointless. Now, at the age of 44 all of that has been gone for about 7 years and I can honestly say that I don't miss any of it. Too much stress. I thank god every day that I wasn't dumb enough to have children.

You could have very well spared yourself a lot of agony. Especially the way things are going now in this day and age.
 
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divinemistress36

divinemistress36

Visionary
Jan 1, 2024
2,343
I can assure you that 90% what you hear from these people is being said by them to illicit this very reaction. Sensing jealously from others feeds their egos. What they won't say in front of your face are all the times the they regret having children, how stale and their marriages have become and their propensity to cheat, all the debt they have accrued trying to keep up with the Joneses, etc.

Don't belive me? Well, check these out...







Very few people live the perfect life. Most of it is a facade:


At one point I had it all. A wife, my own successful business, house, social circle, etc. I was pressured into thinking that that was what life was all about. Turns out that life isn't about anything at all. It's completely pointless. Now, at the age of 44 all of that has been gone for about 7 years and I can honestly say that I don't miss any of it. Too much stress. I thank god every day that I wasn't dumb enough to have children.

You could have very well spared yourself a lot of agony. Especially the way things are going now in this day and age.

This makes me feel better sometimes I forget how fake social media is.
 
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PinballWizard39

PinballWizard39

Student
May 3, 2024
133
You are definitely not alone with feeling this way towards others.
I too am kinda jealous of people around me (especially my ex partner) who have friends and constantly do things and go out and I don't know anybody here and constantly feel left behind. Plus people talking about their families, partners and kids always pisses me off for some reason.

Since you mentioned the NHS, I know we're currently in the same country and honestly - health service here is utterly terrible. Let alone mental health services. Plus the current economy here is one of the worst in modern day countries.
(2 years ago our monthly water bill was 70, meanwhile it's over 130 and we even use less water than before...)
I hate it here and if I don't CTB before Christmas, I'll move back to my home country by the end of the year. I'm hoping things will be better there, that I have more of a chance in life. I'm also almost 40 and feel just as frustrated as you.
This country is done for and living here became horrible after certain political decisions... families are literally starving and the government is doing nothing. They don't care about us here. Fkn bellends!
I'm glad it's not just me, and yes, this country really has gone to shit. I hope if you do move back to your country, things will start to improve for you.
I can assure you that 90% what you hear from these people is being said by them to illicit this very reaction. Sensing jealously from others feeds their egos. What they won't say in front of your face are all the times the they regret having children, how stale and their marriages have become and their propensity to cheat, all the debt they have accrued trying to keep up with the Joneses, etc.

Don't belive me? Well, check these out...







Very few people live the perfect life. Most of it is a facade:


At one point I had it all. A wife, my own successful business, house, social circle, etc. I was pressured into thinking that that was what life was all about. Turns out that life isn't about anything at all. It's completely pointless. Now, at the age of 44 all of that has been gone for about 7 years and I can honestly say that I don't miss any of it. Too much stress. I thank god every day that I wasn't dumb enough to have children.

You could have very well spared yourself a lot of agony. Especially the way things are going now in this day and age.

I get that. I know not all is rainbows and butterflies for people. I guess what I'm meaning is that I would like a bit of 'normality' in my life and I suppose to me, those things represent that in a way. I've spent my life in and out of psych wards, general hospitals, everything mental health related - appointments/assessments etc. There's been nothing remotely 'normal' about my life because of the lack of the right support. People joke all the time 'who wants to be normal?' Well I'd quite like a bit of it. I guess I'd just like a bit more of a balance and not just suffering from my lack of mental health.

Sorry, I have to rush my answer, the home treatment team are due shortly and I don't want to get caught on here. I hope I've made some sense in what I mean.
 
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lawlietsph

lawlietsph

can we be done here
May 6, 2023
41
I can relate to this on all level.
I'm "only" 28 yrs old, but my whole youth was wasted due to my mental health. I didn't get to experience the stuff that normal people do. Never had friends, never have the chance to go to any kind of party, and all that stuff. Never had any relationship, I didn't even got my first kiss yet.
The mental health services in this country are so fucked up, there's not really any help at all.
I envy all the people I see, not just online but mostly online. I get that a huge part of this is lying and acting like they are so happy when they are actually miserable, but it doesn't change the fact that - at least they have money or a family or something.
I am broke and in a healthcare debt. I currently have 2 shirts and 2 pants, and that's about it. Living with mental hell and trying to work is extremely difficult. I have a small part time job that I can do from home but - as you can see it's not enough, I still can't buy clothes or healthy food or anything.
I am so fucking jealous when I see them pretty girls online. I want to be like them soooooo bad. I just don't understand why they have the privilege to be pretty, and why I don't. Why are they able to afford luxury skincare and shit when they are 10 years younger than me. How? Why? Why can't I? Why am I so undeserving of any kind of love or comfort?
I just really don't understand anymore.
 
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cait_sith

cait_sith

Brain rotted, often missing word
Apr 8, 2024
110
I only feel jealousy for people younger than me, (teens and early twenties) but I don't get jealous on their lives as a whole but the current timeframe they get experience young people jauntiness, fun, love, and other things, but I don't get jealous on anyone my age, as I don't feel envy towards anything they do, as in having jobs, marriage and children. Maybe it would be a good thing to be jealous, as I would have something to strive for, but I have removed myself so much from developing as an adult that it's too late now to catch up, and like I said, the goal isn't even desirable. What everything always boils down to is that I want to die.
 
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PinballWizard39

PinballWizard39

Student
May 3, 2024
133
I can relate to this on all level.
I'm "only" 28 yrs old, but my whole youth was wasted due to my mental health. I didn't get to experience the stuff that normal people do. Never had friends, never have the chance to go to any kind of party, and all that stuff. Never had any relationship, I didn't even got my first kiss yet.
The mental health services in this country are so fucked up, there's not really any help at all.
I envy all the people I see, not just online but mostly online. I get that a huge part of this is lying and acting like they are so happy when they are actually miserable, but it doesn't change the fact that - at least they have money or a family or something.
I am broke and in a healthcare debt. I currently have 2 shirts and 2 pants, and that's about it. Living with mental hell and trying to work is extremely difficult. I have a small part time job that I can do from home but - as you can see it's not enough, I still can't buy clothes or healthy food or anything.
I am so fucking jealous when I see them pretty girls online. I want to be like them soooooo bad. I just don't understand why they have the privilege to be pretty, and why I don't. Why are they able to afford luxury skincare and shit when they are 10 years younger than me. How? Why? Why can't I? Why am I so undeserving of any kind of love or comfort?
I just really don't understand anymore.
That's it. When my friends talk about how their kids are annoying them or that their family is pissing them off or whatever, I want to snap, 'at least you have a family/kids'. I've just watched my 16 year old niece go her school prom and all it brought up was envy that she got to go to hers so carefree - yes I got to go to mine, but I was on day release from hospital and my abuser of a brother was the date of someone from my year and instead of him being kicked out or refused, they just put a chaperone in place to keep him away from me. I only wanted one damn night of the 'normal rites of passage' kinda thing.
 
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indefinitesleep2

indefinitesleep2

Im out
Jun 29, 2024
105
Im mainly jealous of the past version of myself before everything got fucked up, things used to be genuinly very good for me I just wish I was more aware how easy it is lose so I wouldve tried harder to maintain it or thought of the bigger picture before I made some bad choices
 
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PinballWizard39

PinballWizard39

Student
May 3, 2024
133
I only feel jealousy for people younger than me, (teens and early twenties) but I don't get jealous on their lives as a whole but the current timeframe they get experience young people jauntiness, fun, love, and other things, but I don't get jealous on anyone my age, as I don't feel envy towards anything they do, as in having jobs, marriage and children. Maybe it would be a good thing to be jealous, as I would have something to strive for, but I have removed myself so much from developing as an adult that it's too late now to catch up, and like I said, the goal isn't even desirable. What everything always boils down to is that I want to die.
I think my jealousy has turned to resentment now. I noticed it real badly the other day. I never express any of it but it leaves me feeling like an awful person. I work alongside people a lot younger that me and I hear them talking about buying houses, planning their wedding, their career plans and goals - even all the shit they got up to as a teenager. I never got to be a teenager or a younger person going through the rites of passage through their 20s. I tried to catch up in my 30s but there's a massive disjoint. I've only been able to work in the past couple of years, and even that's going downhill now. I can't relate to people my own age because our lives and experiences are so vastly different - I was busy trying to survive whilst they were developing their lives. I know that not everyone has it good, I'm not saying that, we all have struggles, it's just I wonder why mine have to be quite so much to the extreme.

Side note - does it ever piss anyone off when people joke about suicide? A person at work said the other day 'I always know when I'm due on my period because I always feel like killing myself a few days before - hahahahaha!'
Im mainly jealous of the past version of myself before everything got fucked up, things used to be genuinly very good for me I just wish I was more aware how easy it is lose so I wouldve tried harder to maintain it or thought of the bigger picture before I made some bad choices
I'm sorry, that sounds really difficult.
 
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MapleSyrupVein

MapleSyrupVein

Flower One
May 26, 2024
36
i feel you, i am jealous of a better life.
i hate everyone who has it better then me cause i wish i was apart of it
 
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lawlietsph

lawlietsph

can we be done here
May 6, 2023
41
That's it. When my friends talk about how their kids are annoying them or that their family is pissing them off or whatever, I want to snap, 'at least you have a family/kids'. I've just watched my 16 year old niece go her school prom and all it brought up was envy that she got to go to hers so carefree - yes I got to go to mine, but I was on day release from hospital and my abuser of a brother was the date of someone from my year and instead of him being kicked out or refused, they just put a chaperone in place to keep him away from me. I only wanted one damn night of the 'normal rites of passage' kinda thing.
Yes, I can understand where you coming from 100%. I'm sure you love your niece and you wish her well, but you just can't help but feel like it's sooooo fucking unfair. I get that honestly.
Just seeing strangers (mostly young girls, or girls my age) having fun, going to festivals, enjoying summer and the beach... Oh, and being successful athletes/singers/models/etc. All I could do in their age was trying not to hang myself and hide my body in plain black clothes. I was never able to look into a boy's eyes or flirting or having these kind of stuff... I miss all of this honestly. And now the mom inside me has awaken, I dream about having a baby and a loving husband or some kind of reason to stay alive, but... I'm alone. Completely alone and ugly and just a waste of oxygen honestly.
 
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disabledlife

disabledlife

Specialist
Jun 5, 2020
368
I feel the same as you, I completely identify.

I've already told my life story all over this forum, and I thank and appreciate having support, kindness, being able to express myself without censorship... I'm tired of it to see people around me succeeding in life, having grown up well, being handsome, strong, heavy, perfect, good jobs, lots of money, social status...

I also told, in this forum, that I was part of a High IQ association (world famous), but be careful, I hate the elitism of the members of this shitty association, and IQ is crap, that doesn't prevent intellectual laziness. Regardless of IQ, people can be very intelligent, in my school, there were intellectually delayed students, and yet, I saw them as very intelligent, they had a heart, were attentive, knew how to have empathy . Even animals are capable of all this, but most humans are not. In this high IQ association, the members talk about their beautiful lives, that they are tall, handsome, doctors, lawyers, highly qualified, business leaders, have a beautiful big family, children, beautiful houses, cars, make trips all over the world, first class, etc, etc!! I was tired of them belittling me for living off society, they told me that if I CTB, it wouldn't be their problems. Most people no longer wanted to hear about my life story, which I told, faced with this injustice of my life compared to theirs, they rejected me, blocked me, ghosted me, kicked me out of quite a few social media groups! There is a girl who gossips, thinks she is an Insta influencer, etc., like the perfect American miss, who behaves like the leader of a gang, a pack, who has decided to destroy me, lynch me, etc. Anyway, I also ghosted all these people and played dead, no one gave me any news! The mentality of the people of my country disgusts me, hypocrite, intolerant, non-inclusive..., but these people are hypocrisy multiplied by 10 100 1000...!

I am a disabled person who had a stolen life. I am autistic, and high IQ, and suffer from many physical disabilities including Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which makes my life hell.

I was promoted to a brilliant future, as an engineer or scientist. But, I had to stop my studies. Beneficiary of state aid, which gives me the right to social security for workers, but as a differential right. But as a young student, I was obliged to subscribe to student social security, this was around twenty years ago, moreover, the president of my country has since abolished it. But because of their incompetence in reimbursing health costs, debts accumulated and I had to abandon my studies, and my future, to return to social security by default, which had reimbursed me everything, but goodbye my studies, my future. Now I am halfway through my life, my health is deteriorating.

Then, I spent my entire youth seeing my mother, from the end of her life until her death, almost the only person who wanted to see me, the other members of my family reproaching me for living on state aid. State.
A relative, also disabled, accompanied me, helped me to go out, spoke to me,... following the death of my mother, so that I was not alone, but, since she successfully completed her studies and a friend, they live their life together, they have the means to travel, live comfortably, etc.
Since then, in recent months, I have been alone, with state assistance linked to disabilities.

Everyone advises me not to work at the risk of losing all my aid, and having to pay all my health and other costs, linked to my disabilities and that, if my health declines, I find myself with nothing, with the loss of my job.

I don't lack the desire to get out of my situation, to resume my studies, but, at my age, I think it's too late, even for retirement.

I suffer from mental overload linked to the body, to taking medications, to fatigue, to pain, etc. My life was stolen from me.

I blame my parents and the State (which explains my antinatalism and other subjects that I don't really prefer to discuss so as not to upset people).

I had everything to succeed, I had made efforts to study... and my life was shattered, because of a student mutual (these corrupt organizations, which embezzled money from students, etc., and which went out of business, when the president removed them, to put all students on the general social system).

And yet I could have had time to finish my studies, in the past, if my health costs would have been correctly reimbursed and had the means to live better, a social status, and socially surrounded, to better support my health.
I was recently diagnosed with an incurable genetic disease, after a very long medical wandering, which explains a large part of my disabilities.

People criticize me for my character, but when I see such injustices, and it doesn't just affect me, and I have to put up with it, accept it, it's difficult to stay calm, not anxious,... the more I suffer from my size, my physical appearance.

I can't find love, who would want me, in these conditions. I stay alone. My father has his life too, my father who beat him a lot when he was younger. I do not know what to do? CTB? Voluntary disappearance (knowing that my health will not follow)?

Honestly I would have preferred to be stupid, so as not to see my shitty life, it's not a gift to have high IQ intelligence, just to have all the consciousness, to just see your body go to pieces without being able to do nothing, not being able to change anything in a shitty society, a shitty humanity... Even if there are rare people who are capable of kindness, of listening, of empathy...
 
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PinballWizard39

Student
May 3, 2024
133
Yes, I can understand where you coming from 100%. I'm sure you love your niece and you wish her well, but you just can't help but feel like it's sooooo fucking unfair. I get that honestly.
Just seeing strangers (mostly young girls, or girls my age) having fun, going to festivals, enjoying summer and the beach... Oh, and being successful athletes/singers/models/etc. All I could do in their age was trying not to hang myself and hide my body in plain black clothes. I was never able to look into a boy's eyes or flirting or having these kind of stuff... I miss all of this honestly. And now the mom inside me has awaken, I dream about having a baby and a loving husband or some kind of reason to stay alive, but... I'm alone. Completely alone and ugly and just a waste of oxygen honestly.
I know you feel like a waste of space and oxygen, but I don't believe anyone truly is. I know that doesn't make a difference, hell I probably wouldn't listen if it was you saying it to me. Just know I care though.

Yeah, definitely pleased for my niece but I guess seeing her go through the ages and flashing back to what I was like/doing when I was those same ages, is really hard.
I feel the same as you, I completely identify.

I've already told my life story all over this forum, and I thank and appreciate having support, kindness, being able to express myself without censorship... I'm tired of it to see people around me succeeding in life, having grown up well, being handsome, strong, heavy, perfect, good jobs, lots of money, social status...

I also told, in this forum, that I was part of a High IQ association (world famous), but be careful, I hate the elitism of the members of this shitty association, and IQ is crap, that doesn't prevent intellectual laziness. Regardless of IQ, people can be very intelligent, in my school, there were intellectually delayed students, and yet, I saw them as very intelligent, they had a heart, were attentive, knew how to have empathy . Even animals are capable of all this, but most humans are not. In this high IQ association, the members talk about their beautiful lives, that they are tall, handsome, doctors, lawyers, highly qualified, business leaders, have a beautiful big family, children, beautiful houses, cars, make trips all over the world, first class, etc, etc!! I was tired of them belittling me for living off society, they told me that if I CTB, it wouldn't be their problems. Most people no longer wanted to hear about my life story, which I told, faced with this injustice of my life compared to theirs, they rejected me, blocked me, ghosted me, kicked me out of quite a few social media groups! There is a girl who gossips, thinks she is an Insta influencer, etc., like the perfect American miss, who behaves like the leader of a gang, a pack, who has decided to destroy me, lynch me, etc. Anyway, I also ghosted all these people and played dead, no one gave me any news! The mentality of the people of my country disgusts me, hypocrite, intolerant, non-inclusive..., but these people are hypocrisy multiplied by 10 100 1000...!

I am a disabled person who had a stolen life. I am autistic, and high IQ, and suffer from many physical disabilities including Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which makes my life hell.

I was promoted to a brilliant future, as an engineer or scientist. But, I had to stop my studies. Beneficiary of state aid, which gives me the right to social security for workers, but as a differential right. But as a young student, I was obliged to subscribe to student social security, this was around twenty years ago, moreover, the president of my country has since abolished it. But because of their incompetence in reimbursing health costs, debts accumulated and I had to abandon my studies, and my future, to return to social security by default, which had reimbursed me everything, but goodbye my studies, my future. Now I am halfway through my life, my health is deteriorating.

Then, I spent my entire youth seeing my mother, from the end of her life until her death, almost the only person who wanted to see me, the other members of my family reproaching me for living on state aid. State.
A relative, also disabled, accompanied me, helped me to go out, spoke to me,... following the death of my mother, so that I was not alone, but, since she successfully completed her studies and a friend, they live their life together, they have the means to travel, live comfortably, etc.
Since then, in recent months, I have been alone, with state assistance linked to disabilities.

Everyone advises me not to work at the risk of losing all my aid, and having to pay all my health and other costs, linked to my disabilities and that, if my health declines, I find myself with nothing, with the loss of my job.

I don't lack the desire to get out of my situation, to resume my studies, but, at my age, I think it's too late, even for retirement.

I suffer from mental overload linked to the body, to taking medications, to fatigue, to pain, etc. My life was stolen from me.

I blame my parents and the State (which explains my antinatalism and other subjects that I don't really prefer to discuss so as not to upset people).

I had everything to succeed, I had made efforts to study... and my life was shattered, because of a student mutual (these corrupt organizations, which embezzled money from students, etc., and which went out of business, when the president removed them, to put all students on the general social system).

And yet I could have had time to finish my studies, in the past, if my health costs would have been correctly reimbursed and had the means to live better, a social status, and socially surrounded, to better support my health.
I was recently diagnosed with an incurable genetic disease, after a very long medical wandering, which explains a large part of my disabilities.

People criticize me for my character, but when I see such injustices, and it doesn't just affect me, and I have to put up with it, accept it, it's difficult to stay calm, not anxious,... the more I suffer from my size, my physical appearance.

I can't find love, who would want me, in these conditions. I stay alone. My father has his life too, my father who beat him a lot when he was younger. I do not know what to do? CTB? Voluntary disappearance (knowing that my health will not follow)?

Honestly I would have preferred to be stupid, so as not to see my shitty life, it's not a gift to have high IQ intelligence, just to have all the consciousness, to just see your body go to pieces without being able to do nothing, not being able to change anything in a shitty society, a shitty humanity... Even if there are rare people who are capable of kindness, of listening, of empathy...
I am so sorry to hear all that you have and are still going for. I know it's not the same, but I can relate to the intellectual side to an extent. I keep getting told by professionals that it's rare for someone like me, with the extent of mental 'illness' and background, to be able to work at all. I get comments all the time from MH people that talk down to me when they first meet me, and then after a while say things like 'You're actually intelligent' - it's so offensive. I'm not the most intelligent person in the world but it's disgusting how many people expect you to be incompetent and an idiot just because you have a mental health condition. I was never able to work until the past 3-ish years, where I managed to get my degree and force myself into work. I have struggled so much with it and now I've had to go part time. However, that means financially I have to rely on some savings I have to make up the shortfall (I don't have lots of savings, but yes, I am thankful to have some at least). The welfare people say I'm only entitled to a ridiculously small amount of money which doesn't even cover the cost of petrol to get to my work. Ironically, if I work slightly less hours still, I'd be entitled to a lot more!! I don't want to cut it down further, I want to work and use my brain but currently my MH is beating my ass and I've had to go sick completely just now. I don't know what I'm going to do financially this month.

Like you, sometimes I wonder if I were 'stupid', would I be happier because I wouldn't overthink so much, care so much and even see the carnage that is my life. More often than not lately, you will hear me muttering or screaming 'I don't want to be in my head, I don't want to think, feel, be conscious!'. I've even begged doctors to sedate me, it's hell.
 
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alltoomuch2

alltoomuch2

Student
Feb 10, 2024
173
Ok, so this is my situation and I need to know if this is just me or not. Very long story short, I have suffered from all sorts that people like to label depression, anxiety, PTSD, CPTSD, anorexia, bulimia, self harm etc etc.. for over 25 years. It stems from years of abuse and trauma and mistreatment from the mental health teams on top. This last 6 months or so, the MH team had to take me back on after spending years ignoring me and my doctors referrals (I had a massive breakdown at work :( ). AFter a month of two of faffing with medication, I was told I could access longer term therapy (up to a year), to help me overcome some of my issues, however, on the first session I was told I was actually only getting 12 sessions. The little hope I was given, got smashed in front of my face. If my depression wasn't bad before, it was then, and since then, I have just been getting lower and lower. Over that time I've been coming here more and more (I did come here back in Nov//Dec time, I just lurked at the time though). I feel like there is nothing else I can do but ctb. After these session finish in about 3/4 weeks time, I won't be eligible for anymore and the NHS is seriously broken so there won't be anymore help. They have all themselves suggested I go private, but seeing as I'm not even well enough to work full time, and I only make minimum wage, I am barely affording to pay all my bills.

I can't live like this anymore. I am becoming more and more bitter towards people because I envy all that they have. I hate listening to people talk about their kids, their partners, the cinema they went to, the festivals they danced at. Their weddings, their career goals - all of it - it makes me want to cry and yell at them all to shut the fuck up. I hate it and I hate me for becoming like this - this isn't me. I feel like I am so angry because I don't actually want to die, but with the situation how it is, I do not see any alternative. I'm nearly 40 and my life feels like it hasn't even begun and not through any fault of my own. I'm always looking for the help I need, I try to better my life in any way I can and I blocked in every god-damn way. It's not even just that I can't live like this anymore, I don't want to live like this if this is as good as it gets. And it's looking very much like this really is as good as it gets for me. I'm even thinking of bringing the ctb date forward.

Does anyone else experience increased bitterness and envy?

Sorry for the length of the post.
just to say, I'm in the UK and was under a MH team who could only give me 12 sessions, but my mental health practitioner realised halfway or so through (with the intervention of a crisis team I have to say), that it wasn't going to get fixed and now I'm under the care of the CMHT, who are much more skilled, for as long as I need. Yeah I'm still on here, fine-tuning methods for CTB, but I'm only 3 sessions in with the CMHT so who knows?.....
Ok, so this is my situation and I need to know if this is just me or not. Very long story short, I have suffered from all sorts that people like to label depression, anxiety, PTSD, CPTSD, anorexia, bulimia, self harm etc etc.. for over 25 years. It stems from years of abuse and trauma and mistreatment from the mental health teams on top. This last 6 months or so, the MH team had to take me back on after spending years ignoring me and my doctors referrals (I had a massive breakdown at work :( ). AFter a month of two of faffing with medication, I was told I could access longer term therapy (up to a year), to help me overcome some of my issues, however, on the first session I was told I was actually only getting 12 sessions. The little hope I was given, got smashed in front of my face. If my depression wasn't bad before, it was then, and since then, I have just been getting lower and lower. Over that time I've been coming here more and more (I did come here back in Nov//Dec time, I just lurked at the time though). I feel like there is nothing else I can do but ctb. After these session finish in about 3/4 weeks time, I won't be eligible for anymore and the NHS is seriously broken so there won't be anymore help. They have all themselves suggested I go private, but seeing as I'm not even well enough to work full time, and I only make minimum wage, I am barely affording to pay all my bills.

I can't live like this anymore. I am becoming more and more bitter towards people because I envy all that they have. I hate listening to people talk about their kids, their partners, the cinema they went to, the festivals they danced at. Their weddings, their career goals - all of it - it makes me want to cry and yell at them all to shut the fuck up. I hate it and I hate me for becoming like this - this isn't me. I feel like I am so angry because I don't actually want to die, but with the situation how it is, I do not see any alternative. I'm nearly 40 and my life feels like it hasn't even begun and not through any fault of my own. I'm always looking for the help I need, I try to better my life in any way I can and I blocked in every god-damn way. It's not even just that I can't live like this anymore, I don't want to live like this if this is as good as it gets. And it's looking very much like this really is as good as it gets for me. I'm even thinking of bringing the ctb date forward.

Does anyone else experience increased bitterness and envy?

Sorry for the length of the post.
AND absolutely I experience this, even though I never wanted kids and I even get envious when people talk about their kids because it makes me feel like a failure, a lesser mortal, even worse than I already do. I avoid most people now. I have no friends because the ones I thought I had weren't there when I needed them. I can't bear those bloody things people post about "remember you got through all your bad days so far" and want to scream at them "But I don't want any more of those bad days. I can't do it any more". That's why I always and only come here for company. If I interact with anyone outside Sasu it's for their benefit to reassure them I'm still here (not that they care about me as I am, more about the symbol of "sister" "daughter" etc). The stupid thing is, when people are going out having fun, enjoying what they're doing, I don't want their actual life, I just want the peace and happiness they seem to have, that I never, in 61 years, experienced. I'm going to give my new mental health team a chance because I don't think I've ever had any proper help before, just talking type stuff which is useless once you've done it once. But I stay here for company and information about methods because if this last MH team don't help me enough to feel peace and joy, I'm out of here. And sometimes, like last night, I feel like I won't even wait for that (but I know when I'm thinking straight that I should at least try with this new team).
 
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PinballWizard39

PinballWizard39

Student
May 3, 2024
133
just to say, I'm in the UK and was under a MH team who could only give me 12 sessions, but my mental health practitioner realised halfway or so through (with the intervention of a crisis team I have to say), that it wasn't going to get fixed and now I'm under the care of the CMHT, who are much more skilled, for as long as I need. Yeah I'm still on here, fine-tuning methods for CTB, but I'm only 3 sessions in with the CMHT so who knows?.....
I'm seeing a psychologist from the CMHT for my 12 sessions. I was assessed by the Complex Emotional Difficulties Team who said they could give me C-PTSD DBT therapy. However, 3 days later, they called and said they weren't going to offer me anything. I am 'well-known' to the MH team (CMHT) and they know how complex my situation is, they've just ignored it for so many years, that now they have been forced back to try and help me, there is no funding for anything in the NHS. I have a care-coordinator (CC) with the CMHT and I meet her once a week, or fortnight. She's ok, but she can't provide therapy. She basically just checks in with me and does things like arrange appointments with the psych or whatever.

I am currently with the crisis team (home treatment team), and as much as I can't afford to believe or hope in anything they say, they did just 'mention' to me that there was potentially the option to apply for funding in a grant thing they have for people who have tried everything else and need therapy/help that the NHS can't provide (basically pay for you to go private). Now, I'm taking this with a hefty dose of salt because if I allow myself to feel hopeful and then it all goes to shit, I will not recover. On the flip side, if there is a fund that I can access, it pisses me right off that all these people/teams/crisis teams have been sitting on it for so long despite seeing how much I've been suffering. It was only 6 months ago the crisis team was involved again.

Good luck with the CMHT, I hope it helps.
 
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alltoomuch2

alltoomuch2

Student
Feb 10, 2024
173
I'm seeing a psychologist from the CMHT for my 12 sessions. I was assessed by the Complex Emotional Difficulties Team who said they could give me C-PTSD DBT therapy. However, 3 days later, they called and said they weren't going to offer me anything. I am 'well-known' to the MH team (CMHT) and they know how complex my situation is, they've just ignored it for so many years, that now they have been forced back to try and help me, there is no funding for anything in the NHS. I have a care-coordinator (CC) with the CMHT and I meet her once a week, or fortnight. She's ok, but she can't provide therapy. She basically just checks in with me and does things like arrange appointments with the psych or whatever.

I am currently with the crisis team (home treatment team), and as much as I can't afford to believe or hope in anything they say, they did just 'mention' to me that there was potentially the option to apply for funding in a grant thing they have for people who have tried everything else and need therapy/help that the NHS can't provide (basically pay for you to go private). Now, I'm taking this with a hefty dose of salt because if I allow myself to feel hopeful and then it all goes to shit, I will not recover. On the flip side, if there is a fund that I can access, it pisses me right off that all these people/teams/crisis teams have been sitting on it for so long despite seeing how much I've been suffering. It was only 6 months ago the crisis team was involved again.

Good luck with the CMHT, I hope it helps.
I'm so sorry you've been in so much unbearable pain for so long and so let down. I've mixed experiences with CRHTT. The first time they said that what I was on the waiting list for was too low grade and unsuitable and they'd try to get me bumped up to another level of therapy, but it didn''t happen and I had to wait 6 months for anything at all. But this time they were instrumental in getting me bumped up from IPBT to CMHT. So I really really hope that you can get that funding. I suppose we can hope that the new government may introduce things like this (they were talking about using private to cut the waiting lists until they can sort it out long term) but how long will it take? I suspect they'll crack on with it as soon as possible. Can your CMHT not do C-PTSD DBT type stuff, even if they aren't DBT qualified? If you want to PM me you are most welcome x.
 
PinballWizard39

PinballWizard39

Student
May 3, 2024
133
I'm so sorry you've been in so much unbearable pain for so long and so let down. I've mixed experiences with CRHTT. The first time they said that what I was on the waiting list for was too low grade and unsuitable and they'd try to get me bumped up to another level of therapy, but it didn''t happen and I had to wait 6 months for anything at all. But this time they were instrumental in getting me bumped up from IPBT to CMHT. So I really really hope that you can get that funding. I suppose we can hope that the new government may introduce things like this (they were talking about using private to cut the waiting lists until they can sort it out long term) but how long will it take? I suspect they'll crack on with it as soon as possible. Can your CMHT not do C-PTSD DBT type stuff, even if they aren't DBT qualified? If you want to PM me you are most welcome x.
Yeah, there's so much faffing around isn't there. I'm not really excited with the government because it feels like even if they do make changes, it'll be a long time before we see any benefit for us sadly.
My CMHT can't do the C-PTSD DBT therapy themselves, which is why they referred me to the complex emotional difficulties team (another, wider part of the team). They offered me RO-DBT but I declined saying I had done DBT years ago and I was done trying to 'maintain' my symptoms, rather than be allowed to recover.

What's the IPBT?
Feel free to inbox me also if you'd like.
 
alltoomuch2

alltoomuch2

Student
Feb 10, 2024
173
Yeah, there's so much faffing around isn't there. I'm not really excited with the government because it feels like even if they do make changes, it'll be a long time before we see any benefit for us sadly.
My CMHT can't do the C-PTSD DBT therapy themselves, which is why they referred me to the complex emotional difficulties team (another, wider part of the team). They offered me RO-DBT but I declined saying I had done DBT years ago and I was done trying to 'maintain' my symptoms, rather than be allowed to recover.

What's the IPBT?
Feel free to inbox me also if you'd like.
I think the faffing is because of the waiting lists. I know the first time crisis really wanted to bump me up the list and for more focused treatment and I suspect it was the waiting list that stopped it going ahead. IPBT is the Integrated Place Based Team. It's a lower level secondary mental health service with mental health practitioners, peer support workers, social prescribing and that sort of thing. They are one-to-one and they come out to you, and they do offer some interventions, but the staff are less qualified and are more limited in therapies. The new government weren't my first choice either although I was desperate to get rid of Rishi "sick note culture" Sunak and his treacherous cronies. I'm very grateful to the lib dems for pushing mental health to the forefront and hoping they'll keep banging on about it so Labour are forced to do something. We can only hope.
 
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PinballWizard39

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May 3, 2024
133
I think the faffing is because of the waiting lists. I know the first time crisis really wanted to bump me up the list and for more focused treatment and I suspect it was the waiting list that stopped it going ahead. IPBT is the Integrated Place Based Team. It's a lower level secondary mental health service with mental health practitioners, peer support workers, social prescribing and that sort of thing. They are one-to-one and they come out to you, and they do offer some interventions, but the staff are less qualified and are more limited in therapies. The new government weren't my first choice either although I was desperate to get rid of Rishi "sick note culture" Sunak and his treacherous cronies. I'm very grateful to the lib dems for pushing mental health to the forefront and hoping they'll keep banging on about it so Labour are forced to do something. We can only hope.
There's so many waiting lists. The only reason I have the sessions I do at the moment is because someone really fought for me and I was push to the top of a 2 year waiting list. 2 more sessions left, who know's what happens then.
(I'm circulating my currently situation between this thread and https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/blurted-things-out-and-i-regret-it.170936/#post-2585132 - they're becoming much of one of the same now)
 
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RoadBLOCK

Member
Jul 9, 2024
25
Sorry for my harsh response, but you should mind your own business and leave people alone
You visit to a 5-star hotel in Miami. Maybe you can visit a hospital to see people without legs and with destroyed kidneys
No one will give you a single dollar if you are on the street. Focus on your life, your food, your drink, and your housing. These are the basics of life. Develop a little and think about bigger things.
 
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alltoomuch2

alltoomuch2

Student
Feb 10, 2024
173
Sorry for my harsh response, but you should mind your own business and leave people alone
You visit to a 5-star hotel in Miami. Maybe you can visit a hospital to see people without legs and with destroyed kidneys
No one will give you a single dollar if you are on the street. Focus on your life, your food, your drink, and your housing. These are the basics of life. Develop a little and think about bigger things.
Well that's unnecessary
 
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Dot

Dot

Globl mod | Info abt typng styl on prfle.
Sep 26, 2021
2,651
Sorry for my harsh response, but you should mind your own business and leave people alone
You visit to a 5-star hotel in Miami. Maybe you can visit a hospital to see people without legs and with destroyed kidneys
No one will give you a single dollar if you are on the street. Focus on your life, your food, your drink, and your housing. These are the basics of life. Develop a little and think about bigger things.

"I have suffered from all sorts that people like to label depression, anxiety, PTSD, CPTSD, anorexia, bulimia, self harm etc etc.. for over 25 years. It stems from years of abuse and trauma and mistreatment from the mental health teams on top"

Hw = 'mindng thr own bsiness' supposd t/ hlp wth n.e of tht in n.ewy

If commnts r goin2 b shamng membrs ovr thr issus & suffrng thn pls pst on dffrnt threds insted
 
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