Venting I've tried so hard

[MidnightCat]

That's it.

I feel like I'm always swimming countercurrent. Like I'm always fighting in an endless gladiator arena.

I'm tired. So, so, so absurdly tired.

I've always been a sad person, depression, SH and BPD haunted me since I was young.

I'm more than 30 now. I did everything "good". I married. I've bought a house. It'll probably get fully paid this year. I've got a car, and managed to build a small business that keeps me afloat even when I can barely wake up at bed most of the time.


I do not enjoy things. I try. But i don't.

I don't enjoy where I live, I moved here to be able to afford a life, I've tried to like it. But i don't.

I did not expend lots of money travelling or things like that. I did the things you're supposed to do.


However... I'm just even sadder than when I had nothing to my name, barely to eat and just enough to get drunk using absinthe and diazepam.


I don't feel like myself, but neither I used to feel like myself.


I just... Can't find a reason to keep going.

I love my wife, and my 3 cats. But... It's just haunting. You can't just "live" when your mind is telling you to go ahead and ctb.


I miss my grandad, he was a little rough sometimes, but loved him.

I miss my dad, he was always there to listen to me when when that was difficult. I was too crude, I'm sorry for being a bad son. But... Nonetheless I love you and I miss you so much.

I've been always sad. But after he passed away 2 years ago, this is unbearable.


I just don't know how to keep going. I've tried going outside, doing things, being useful...

At most, things just produce a small spark. I can't manage to get a flame going..


I.. just... I just don't know how to keep going.