Venting i’ve started to resent functioning people.

[MicahBell]

i envy how easy things must be for them.

since suicide had become so certain for me i've inadvertently sabotaged my life. my academics are a mess.

i can't pick myself up. i can't do anything. during lectures all i can do is stare at my computer. I just can't seem to get myself to do it.

"you have to do this to succeed". They tell me that as if i dont know. Its so easy for them to just pick themselves up and keep living.

People like me cant do that. I wish they didn't assume everyone could do it.

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

Hey I hear you, throw me in a classroom full of young functioning students and I'll find myself freezing and spacing out. That's why I never did well in school, and didn't want to go to school. Everyone resented me for not being in school. Everyone who knew what it was like to function. They throw their expectations onto you and expect you to catch up when you're limping through a sprint. I'm so used to everyone being so angry at me it's not even funny.

 

[divinemistress87]

Same . To be able to function sounds amazing

 

[eggsausagerice]

the thought of going back to my community college makes me want to puke. i want to do only online classes but i can't focus if i do all my classes at home. i especially hate seeing high school kids doing their dual credit courses there. part of me wants to keep holding onto the idea that i'll commit suicide because i don't want to start putting effort into my academics again. i can't stop zoning out. last semester and the semester before that i kept thinking about dropping out because i hated doing my classes even if they're supposed to be important. my parents don't believe in me and expect me to move out at the same time. no one at my community college wants to be there, since they're just waiting to transfer to university. i'm also afraid of student loans since my mom won't be able to pay for my university classes. it feels so easy to be psyched out of academics as a whole because you just feel inadequate.

 

[Forever Sleep]

To be brutally honest, I resent both ends of the scale. People who seem to so confidently breeze through life and those who insist they can't and, everyone seems to accept that.

I'm somewhere in the middle. I've struggled hugely at work, college sometimes. Both in terms of emotions- crying, panic, feeling overwhelmed. And physically- I have permanent physical damage from jobs. Yet, I don't think even I could accept that I can't work because I've had such a strong work ethic drilled into me.

So, I suppose I envy those with the genes and upbringing that gave them bags of confidence and ability. But then, I suppose I also envy those whose parents didn't give them hell for going NEET. Or, maybe their own rebellious resilience for ignoring all the guilt tripping.

Really though- I have to remind myself- we don't actually know the extent of how others suffer. The people we assume are breezing through may not be in reality. People I assumed were confident were full of anxiety when I actually spoke to them. Plus, those who say they are struggling may well be- beyond any level we can comprehend. That's the tragedy of the whole thing really- that we can't really guage one another's pain.

I sometimes wonder though- about what we consider normal/ acceptable. I've heard people say they don't want to work because it destroyed their mental and physical health in the past. That it gave them no time for anything else. Just work and try to recover before working again. But it's like- that is work for a lot of people! That's the reality of it. Plenty of people don't enjoy it. So- why should they do it either? Because they need to fund themselves and the people who genuinely can't do it? I don't know really. I think we're kind of f*cked either way to be honest.

I suppose the problem is- there are people working who probably shouldn't be expected to be. I've seen elderly people working in shops. Maybe through choice but, I doubt it. Then, there are likely a lot of people who could actually work but, don't want to. And, while I can't really blame them. None of us agreed to be conscripted into this wage slavery life- it isn't a fair system. Which I suppose makes us suspicious of everyone. I've grown up in a household that despises lazyness and sees little excuse for not working. Maybe it's that expectation I hate the most truthfully, but I feel saddled with it.

 

[MicahBell]

the thought of going back to my community college makes me want to puke. i want to do only online classes but i can't focus if i do all my classes at home. i especially hate seeing high school kids doing their dual credit courses there. part of me wants to keep holding onto the idea that i'll commit suicide because i don't want to start putting effort into my academics again. i can't stop zoning out. last semester and the semester before that i kept thinking about dropping out because i hated doing my classes even if they're supposed to be important. my parents don't believe in me and expect me to move out at the same time. no one at my community college wants to be there, since they're just waiting to transfer to university. i'm also afraid of student loans since my mom won't be able to pay for my university classes. it feels so easy to be psyched out of academics as a whole because you just feel inadequate.

i've tried online school too and its so difficult to keep up. If im at home im so depressed i'll just sleep through the whole day and get nothing done. its like whatever you do it's impossible to win and at the same time i just cant kill mysef for some reason lol