Venting I’ve never wanted to die so badly in my life.

[ahopelessgirl]

I think some people would wonder, if you want to die so bad why don't you just do it? But it's not that easy and survival instinct is a bitch. Hopefully people here understand. I just want to feel less alone. I know nobody can fix everything, not even myself but I want to know somebody understands. It's so unbearable being alive. I just want to be comforted for once.

 

[paranoidpeasant]

That's the weird thing about this forum... It's amazing and validating to know that there are so many other people going through the same things...

I failed to ctb, I believe I have brain damage (memory issues, intense paranoia) because of that, but I can actually smile at strangers now, knowing I'm not the only one fighting invisible battles.

I kinda just wanted a sure way to ctb... Now I'm finding value in my new, self-inflicted mental deficits...

I hope you find what you're looking for!

 

[ahopelessgirl]

That's the weird thing about this forum... It's amazing and validating to know that there are so many other people going through the same things...

I failed to ctb, I believe I have brain damage (memory issues, intense paranoia) because of that, but I can actually smile at strangers now, knowing I'm not the only one fighting invisible battles.

I kinda just wanted a sure way to ctb... Now I'm finding value in my new, self-inflicted mental deficits...

I hope you find what you're looking for!

I'm sorry you struggle with paranoia, I do aswell. I hope you feel better someday. It's easier said than done though. Thank you for caring enough to reply.

 

[ahopelessgirl]

I love what you said about 'nobody can fix everything, not even myself' because I forget that, constantly, I put a lot of pressure on myself to get better, and in trying to do that, I make things seem so impossible that I randomly snap and impulsively try to ctb...

It's black and white thinking, I suppose. Like if I'm not perfect and doing all the things suggested that I'm just irredeemable.

I've put everything into trying to get better, and I've only made things so much worse. LMAO.

I don't have answers. I'm so broken. But I'm still here, despite the horrors.

Me and you both.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand, I also just wish to be gone, to permanently cease existing and never suffer ever again is just all I hope for, I also find it so unbearable to exist, I always find it so dreadful and torturous to suffer in this existence, I hope you find the relief you search for, I wish you the best.

 

[Dejected 55]

I keep waiting, somehow, for a miracle that I know will not happen. Because I do not want to die. I want to live and not be alone and miserable. But the miracle isn't going to happen. It is hard to get up the nerve to make the attempt though.

 

[ahopelessgirl]

I keep waiting, somehow, for a miracle that I know will not happen. Because I do not want to die. I want to live and not be alone and miserable. But the miracle isn't going to happen. It is hard to get up the nerve to make the attempt though.

I believe miracles are possible. If you still have hope, that means there still IS hope even if it doesn't seem like it.

 

[Dejected 55]

I believe miracles are possible. If you still have hope, that means there still IS hope even if it doesn't seem like it.

I appreciate the sentiment... it's just in my case, the miracle I need is the love of my life waking up one day to realize she cares about me, she misses me, and she wants to talk to me. There is basically a non-zero chance of that happening, which means it is only technically possible because it is impossible to prove a negative... but there's no realistic way of believing it could happen.