I've never received any compassion in my whole life...

[Sakura.]

Some time ago I read a post on SaSu about learning self-compassion...

The user wrote that he hates himself so much for everything, that he is so disgusted with himself, that he blames himself so much for everything...

...but if he became a third person and looked at himself from another person's perspective, he would burst into tears over his tragedy...

He would not feel hatred for himself, but great compassion...


***

I read this post almost 5 months ago, but only now, for some unknown reason, I have started to feel, in a small part, as it was described...


I am suffering all the time...


For several days now, I have been repeating to myself:

"I'm so sorry, Sakura..."

"I'm so sorry..."

"I'm so sorry..."


But it doesn't help...

Not even in the slightest...


***

I am unable to provide myself with compassion... Support... The relief associated with them...

Only another person could provide them...


But there is no such person...

Except for one special person I have met here, there has never been one. ..

In all my 23 years of life...

***

Even my family members have never been able to provide it...

And they have never tried to make themselves able to provide it...

They could provide me with material support, but they have never been able to provide real emotional support...


None of my family members even understands me and my problems to any degree. Or even tries to understand them...

Everyone is showing ignorance, lack of understanding and denial about the reality of my problem, which is severe autism, and all the effects it causes...

None of them are able to accept my problem, that it is impossible to change, and that I am not and will never be normal, the way they would like me to be...

***

My mother, in particular, provided me with something even "better" - the complete opposite of what she should be providing...


The day before yesterday I had the opportunity to see myself from a third person perspective.

For some reason I found 2 photos from many years ago, when I was in high school, showing me and my class.


I know that my mother also saw this photo once.

And I know what she thought and felt when she saw it...


"All the members of the class are standing together and talking to each other, and only my son stands lost and alienated all by himself."

"My son is the only person in the entire large class who sits alone, with whom no one wants to sit."


Contrary to what I wrote at the very beginning of my post, when this third person saw these photos, when she looked at me from someone else's perspective, when she created all these thoughts, she did not feel the need to support me...

She didn't burst into tears, distraught over the life her son had to live and the lifelong tragedy of severe autism that had to befall him...


She didn't feel compassion for me...


She felt disgust for me.

Anger at me and at the fact that I was "willingly" leading this life.

She felt hatred for me.

And she's felt it for me my whole life...

***

How am I ever going to receive compassion..?

How am I ever going to receive support..?

How am I ever going to receive relief..?

 

[SVEN]

I imagine that here, in this Legion of the Lost, you'll at least find some empathy and the knowledge that you are not alone in your feelings.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

How am I ever going to receive compassion..?

How am I ever going to receive support..?

How am I ever going to receive relief..?

For me, the answer is "you're not". It's just not going to happen for me, ever, that's just the way it is. I guess I'm messed up because I accept it for myself as fact, developed a form of enjoyment of severe psychological pain (physical pain too but I don't pursue it much), and just don't expect anything from anyone. I just don't play the game anymore. The only bright spot in my life is the certainty of death. But I can't bring myself to suggest this perspective for anyone else. I wish the best for you.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I wish I had enough energy and reach to give compassion to those that need it. I want to try and give compassion. I joined this community because I figure many others want to as well. I like being compassionate, like I am somehow doing it, making another person happy, being a little hero for a small amount of time, feel like...I can change somehting...to be better.

Those little pleasures make me want to keep trying, for me and for others. Drops of fuel on a starved engine, yet it still burns, still runs, and still does something other than being idle!

 

[FoxSauce]

Reading your post has moved me. I'm deeply sorry you haven't recived compassion in your life.

Is true that learning self compassion can help but you also deserve to recive compassion from others.


Your into emotional pain that is hard to feel compassion towards yourself.


I hope you can find some happiness in your life best of wishes

You deserve to be loved too ♡