Venting I’ve never dated and I’m sick of everyone around me having partners (no, actually. ALL OF THEM.)

[cptsdfugue]

I'm on here because nobody in my direct vicinity is suicidal like I am, nobody has BPD like I do. But you are all, for the most part, also suicidal like me.

What I want to know is, (hopefully from people older than me), that I am not alone in never having a partner. That it's not my fault I'm suicidal and so lonely.

I am 18 (I'm non binary and about to be a sophomore in college) and ALL, and I mean ALL of my friends and the people around me have had something romantic or romantic-adjacent. Even my friends who didn't have anyone got someone to date this year, even if it didn't work out. My entire group of friends in college and at home are like this, and even online. I can only think of one girl that I know (who is also very mentally ill but slowly recovering like me!) who has never dated someone. Every time something romantic has happened my BPD has flared up and I end up cutting and relapsing. Today in fact my friends were talking about partners and it took me a lot of energy not to bite myself (I did in the end, but it wasn't too big). They all have much better mental health than me, and frankly I'm sick and tired of being so miserable. The one exception is my best friend, but I feel so offput and upset at even her, because although she's chronically ill and has bad OCD and CPTSD (which have been treated from a young age, unlike me who's had professionals fail and mistreat them over and over), she has had over *5 different people have feelings for her.* Like, how is that fair???? Am I not in enough pain?????

I am so sick and tired of not having anyone love me. It's hard to feel lovable especially when you're suicidal. It's a large reason of why I want to kill myself. I am non binary, and I am simply too loud and suicidal and autistic and I attach to people too easily.

I have had someone had a crush on me in the past, but I still don't believe him. I think another part of why I feel like this is my CPTSD, it causes me to have a constant fractured identity which makes everything all the more painful, I just want to feel whole and not at such a heavy disadvantage because I'm suicidal and severely depressed

I'm not planning to kill myself, I just want to know that I'm not alone, from people who are also suicidal like I am.

I probably won't talk on this forum again after I make this post (unless I need more POV's from people who are also suicidal) because I don't want to relapse and hurt myself and end up in a worse mental state than I am in now

So please, fellow suicidal people, please tell this poor little homi-suicidal deer that they aren't alone. That you all, too, are older than me and have never dated. That it's okay to be alone and heal.

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.

 

[GALLONS]

Don't worry friend, there's plenty of people like you. I myself have been struggling with schizoaffective disorder and autism pretty much my whole life. I feel like it's a big reason as to why I haven't found any sort of companionship yet (besides my looks which are the most obvious part). I am 21 years old and I never had a partner. I haven't had anybody be interested in me either. I've also never had any friends besides this one guy back in primary and middle school who ended up joining our tormentors to bully me with them. I'm still stuck on that to this day, even though its been so long.
I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts since the age of 14. I used to think that in the end if I hold on just for long enough I would eventually get the attention and support I need from another human being but it has only been downhill since then. It is quite disillusioning.

Are you missing out? Sure. Is it too late? Not really, you're 18 years old you still got a few good years before people decide to star thinking about settling (once they do that it will be much harder for someone without relationship experience to keep someone). The fact that you have friends is a good sign though. Don't give up and keep working on yourself.

 

[JeyJeyOfJeypore]

Did not start to date until uni... then i had to make up for lost time by... over-achieving

Cant 100% speak for girls though since im a guy

I still have trauma of feeling like having wasted school years without romance and wish i could go back

Didnt help that i was into romance mangas back then either

can still remember 3 names; was too much of a coward to talk to them. Oh well

 

[_Gollum_]

I never dated anyone until I was 24 (I'm 25 now). And it's a situationship, not a relationship proper, so I can't even call him my boyfriend. There were many reasons in my case but one of the main ones was my eating disorder which made me too unstable to even think about dating for a long time. I also seemed to be invisible to men, even when I was skinny. The only two guys I caught feelings for only wanted to be friends.

All that to say, you're certainly not alone in wanting a partner but being unable to find one. Unfortunately that's only getting more and more common these days, even for people without mental health issues. It might seem like everyone is in a relationship but that's not the reality.

(tagging @Forever Sleep if you want to share your experience with this)

 

[Forever Sleep]

I never dated anyone until I was 24 (I'm 25 now). And it's a situationship, not a relationship proper, so I can't even call him my boyfriend. There were many reasons in my case but one of the main ones was my eating disorder which made me too unstable to even think about dating for a long time. I also seemed to be invisible to men, even when I was skinny. The only two guys I caught feelings for only wanted to be friends.

All that to say, you're certainly not alone in wanting a partner but being unable to find one. Unfortunately that's only getting more and more common these days, even for people without mental health issues. It might seem like everyone is in a relationship but that's not the reality.

(tagging @Forever Sleep if you want to share your experience with this)

I'm 46 and have never been in a relationship. Asides from an awkward kiss with an increasingly drunk guy I once randomly met, that's been the extent of my real experience.

I went through 13+ years of unrequited, obsessive crushes on guys until I finally worked out it was likely limerence. That it was causing me more distress than pleasure and, made the effort to put a stop to it.

It took a long time but, I can finally say that for the past few years, I've realised that I am comfortable alone. That I don't actually 'need' someone. The benefit of not having been in a relationship is that I have nothing to actually miss.

I also think my ideas surrounding it were far too fairytale. Looking at real relationships around me- I'm not actually convinced I would want that. Most couples seem to bicker like crazy.

I'd also say that some members here who were so certain that a relationship would fix everything, continued to feel suicidal- even after finding someone. I suppose I feel fairly sure, I would experience that also and, I don't want another tether keeping me here in this world. So- while I do understand it's upsetting, a realistic look at the situation tends to make me feel like perhaps I'm actually better off this way.

Plus, I wouldn't have coped well with a broken heart. I feel certain that, if the guys I did like- had they miraculously liked me back, they would have dumped me eventually.

You're certainly not alone though OP. There are others who've never experienced anything or, only experienced rejection. There are also those who also believe they are the only ones in the world who are alone and, always will be. They're not always right though. Members here who were so sure they would never find someone- did eventually. So many random things can happen in life- so long as you participate in it. I'm pretty much a recluse- by choice now so- it pretty much can't happen for me now.

I hope you find what you are looking for, or I hope you find ways to accept it- if you should not.

 

[SASU-KE]

So please, fellow suicidal people, please tell this poor little homi-suicidal deer that they aren't alone. That you all, too, are older than me and have never dated. That it's okay to be alone and heal.

You're not alone. I've never dated either. I've been interested in it, but I knew I was too damaged to try and I shouldn't try until there's a lot of other healing that needs to be done with me first.

You're asking if it's OK to be alone and heal. It's more than just OK, it's the best thing that you can do for yourself. It also shows that you are not willing to hurt anyone else either on the way and That you want a real lasting relationship.

 

[nooneyouknow]

damn I feel like you just slapped my life onto a post but Ive just turned 20 so if anything, yeah I get it so horribly hard and I'm sorry you understand it but I hope it's something that it isn't just you going through it

 

[buriedinmyhead]

20 and I've never had a relationship, never even kissed anyone. Plenty of people are happy to tell me that I'm pretty, I'm smart, but none of them want to date me. I thought I found someone recently, but he was just leading me on haha. And yeah, all my friends in the past were always able to find someone, so I'm just constantly wondering what's wrong with me.

 

[coolcow1289]

25 and in the same boat. Not because I'm ugly but because I have horrific anxiety. I have no friends in general.

 

[lightningwallcloud]

I'm 32 and I'll never have the loving partner and children that has been my dream. Seeing couples makes everything worse for me. I don't know why everyone is worthy of love but me.

 

[dimlight]

I'm a 27-year-old woman whose never been in a relationship. Never kissed or even held hands with anyone romantically. I've been approached numerous times but I have chronic anxiety. I think I have to be "perfect" to be in a relationship. And also, the way I was raised impacted me too. I was severely sheltered and sometimes I don't know how to be human. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's right. I want to be loved but I don't know where to start.

 

[ratchet381]

Im 5ft6 balding and never had a girlfriend or even been hugged by anyone its one of my reasons for depression.

 

[cptsdfugue]

Thanks to everyone who replied. It all still feels so hopeless but I'm trying my best to recover… I just want to be told I amount to something, I feel like everyone has it better and worse than me at the same time (and the people who have it worse than me I see get partners, same with the better it's so hard it eats up my mind) and it's just heartbreaking

Some day I'll look back at this either with a partner or not

And it will hopefully be laughable