I've never considered myself to be lonely, but maybe I am

[locketofroses]

I haven't really had friends offline since I was 13. I'm 20 now. Even back then, they weren't real friends. They were horrible people. The last time I had a true friend offline was probably when I was 10, or younger.

Still, I never felt lonely. I had people around me, and even once I got into high school and had nobody.. I didn't mind it. I never thought "man, I wish I had friends". I liked being alone. I liked the way nobody at school bothered me.

But the more I think about almost every suicide plan I've ever had the more I think I am lonely, and just don't consciously realize it. Aside from a couple impulsive attempts, every plan I've ever had was ways that would draw attention. To travel somewhere internationally to do it (which is my current plan, but also was an old consideration), to do it publicly in a way I was sure would make the news, to do it before graduating high school so the school would acknowledge it..

I always had other reasons I told myself for why I wanted all those things. But the more I think about it, the more I think maybe what I really want is just for someone to finally care, even if it's strangers, even if it's not sympathy, but just having ANY impact on somebody.

Even a lot of my desire for suicide stems from the idea that maybe I could reincarnate to somewhere where I have people who care about me somehow.

It's a weird situation because I'm still not sure I really mind being alone. I don't like talking to new people, and the few times I have seriously cared about somebody I've become codependent to the point I ruined their lives. I have a boyfriend now and I have to actively force myself not to act on those behaviours or he'll hate me. So even with him I don't feel like he really cares because he doesn't know what I'm really like. I don't do well with people, and yet all of this seems to stem from loneliness I never even noticed.

 

[Lamentice]

I relate a lot

I've realized I am profoundly lonely, and it is the main contributor to why I will ctb.

If ostracization starts before you've even hit the age where you can form a permanent memory (or just makes up a huge chunk of developmental years), your brain will rewire. Some people become desperate. I don't relate to them, but I've met them. Some people react to alienation by becoming alien: difficulty connecting (maybe even sympathizing), disinterest/dislike in other humans, distaste for socializing, closeness to self, preferring one's own company, distrust of others, hyper-independence, etc. What I've personally come to realize [still realizing] is despite how unhuman I become, the pine for an external witness that will never show is gonna kill me. I could do everything for myself--like I have--I can be my first experience of unconditional love, I can take care of myself, comfort myself, support myself, be deeply appreciative and grateful for myself, forgive myself, communicate with myself, have literally everything with myself that people search for in others, but it doesn't replace a witness, it doesn't replace being known, self love doesn't replace being chosen. I am profoundly lonely, even while having safety and home in myself. I don't believe I am likeable or loveable externally, it's just me who's gonna show up and stay. So I have myself and that's all I'll ever have and it's not enough to save me.

This side of the coin is even less understood than the desperate side of the coin. The brain rewiring to protect itself from loneliness and harm just makes itself more alienated, not invincible.

 

[AgathaChristieLover]

I thought I had friends, I just had people who occasionally talked to me