Venting I’ve messed up

[flapjax]

Hey all, lurker made an account and thought I'd make a first post. I'm a 20 year old guy and have everything I always wanted. Since I was a kid I set like a list of things I wanted to have when I got older. I have everything, the house, the car, the girlfriend, all nine yards. But I'm still empty. Since I was a kid I've also had these incessant suicidal thoughts and no matter how many accomplishments I make, it's still there.

I'm not an angel of a person though, I have hurt people (emotionally) in ways I don't think I'll ever really be able to understand or forgive myself for. As a kid, to hide my mental illnesses, I figured out you can literally just lie to people and they'll believe you most of the time. And for some reason I kept that up. I have lied, I have messed up and not even for good reason, just because I can really.

I've improved myself in that way, but I won't forget about it, and I won't forgive myself for it. I think at the end of the day, my past actions will always overshadow anything I do now. And the only one to blame for that, is me.

 

[Das Nichts]

Unfortunately I know how guilt wears you down. If it's any consolation to you: you can do "the right thing" for, decades fuck up once and still get the same result.