Venting I've made my decision

[ihavetoleave]

After clinging to the side of a cliff in my life for a very long time, I know what I have to do, and I will have to do it soon. I'm out of options, no matter how scared of death I am I believe there will be nothing, and nothing would be better than this limbo I've been in. I'm almost 40 and I've dug myself into a deep hole for several reasons and there is no hope.

My debt is being sent to collections. I have no income, the debt is crushing and it is due to my own behavior and bad decisions over many years. I'm having to live with my parents who cannot help me and should not, this is a situation I've made for myself and they don't deserve to continue to have to deal with me. They are the only people in my life after all of my mistakes and I feel terrible for failing them and everyone else.

I've ruined all of the partnerships I've had and it is all my fault. I've done terrible things to each partner and I cannot forgive myself, things too awful to write here. I don't deserve forgiveness and I have no hope of forgiving myself and I don't want to.

I have no friends for the same reasons. I've always been a bad friend, a selfish person and this has been consistent my whole life.

If I had one of these problems I could perhaps see a way forward, but all of the most important areas of my life have been destroyed. I have no energy to try to rebuild, it will take another 40 years to even scratch the surface. People make the ultimate decision to end their lives based on only one of these areas, but all of them, ruining my relationships over the years with friends, family, and partners, ruining my finances, ruining my career and any chance at a new one, I've destroyed everything a human being needs to have something to live for. I spend each day stressed and waiting to sleep, I'm not adding value to the world and to the lives of others and this is no way to live.

I've held on because I'm selfish and scared, how small of me. I have SN and I will take it as soon as I am able where I will not be found in time, not tonight but I will try to very soon. SS as a community is a comforting place for those who are struggling, I hope most of you are able to get past your pain and if not that you have more courage than I do. Thank you for putting up with me, my negative and panicked posts, and for doing your best to help others who have fallen on hard times in the best way you can.

 

[NodusTollens]

—hugs—I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain. From the sounds of it, you've had to make some tough decisions & it's put you in some less than desirable situations. I can understand how you're feeling- sorry.

 

[gtrfvr]

i swear this world needs a year of jubilee. debt's doing me in too. watching movies on a phone to prepare for being homeless after parent kicks me out. older than you. im sorry and boy does it suck

 

[sourpink]

I hear you.
no two tales are the same, of course, but I can relate to your tone, and how I'm understanding your feelings.
I too feel it simply must be done - yes, the damage done is at least partially irreparable (in my case) and perhaps it's humanly possible to 'turn my life around', try to recover to what extent might be possible and live with the limitations/complications that are now present, sure, someone out there likely could do that justice. but is it worthwhile- do I, you, we, etc., feel it holds value, would be beneficial or 'worth it'? I feel like how one answers the latter question is more telling than simply whether it's within anyone's realm of potential.

 

[muffin222]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so badly and that it's come down to this for you. I am glad to hear you've found comfort in this community and that you know you're not alone in your pain. We're here for you, whatever decision you decide to make in the end