Venting I've hit a dead-end but refuse to kill myself

[dragonofenvy]

I've spent the last 3 years waking up, going to work, and then going home to wait for the day to end just to wake up the next day and repeat the process. Imagine waking up each day and immediately having such a deep sadness rooted in your heart that's so intense that you want to immediately sob, but you're unable to. After spending some time to mentally prepare yourself a numbness sets in and you try to carry yourself throughout your routine, but the sadness is still there in the back of your mind, yet you have to keep up a facade all the same. Then you get home and just sit there doing nothing, or finding small pointless distractions that don't really distract you because the sadness is still there.

This has been my life for as long as I can remember, but at least during my teen and college years I felt like there was a future for me. I told myself that I just needed to make it through to the next day and keep trying to further my goals and try to take small steps each day towards improving my life. I spent almost 8 years doing this and the result? Nothing. I wasted my life in college and it never led to the career that I wanted so now I work a pointless dead-end job I hate. I tried going to events to try to be more social, because that's the only way to make friends right? No results. I know where things went wrong with college, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out where I was fucking up here. I would try taking it in even smaller steps. I looked for discord servers and communities that I thought I might be compatible with. Despite my best efforts I never could find one.

At 22 I gave up entirely and resigned myself to a life where I'd live alone, forever. Yesterday, I turned 25 and it finally dawned on me just how... sad and wasteful my life has been. I've never had any friends. I have tried to find hobbies but there's nothing I enjoy. Even when I'm doing something I do like the sadness is still with me preventing any real enjoyment. People that I know are able to go out to theme parks and arcades or go bowling or some such and talk about how fun it is, but when I do it I just... hate it. So I spend most of my free time after work just sitting in my apartment eating bland food and simply waiting for each day to end.

I am so sick of it. I'm so tired of feeling no purpose or direction. I feel so frustrated and bitter that when I try to set a goal and accomplish it, it seems like I have to put in 50xs the effort for 5% of the reward and yet for some reason the people who are more successful than I am (which is everyone I know) lecture me about how I need to just "apply myself" and "put myself out there" but then when I tell them about what I have done they often give a surprised reaction. This doesn't make things better, it just makes me reinforces that there's some irredeemable part of me that's been fucking myself since the get-go that can't be identified and therefore can't be fixed. Or maybe not. I can't stand spending each day trying to figure out if it was all my fault, or if I'm just destined to be one of those people who despite their best efforts will always be miserable even when I'm doing what should logically be the best decision.

And yet, despite thinking about killing myself constantly. At work, when I'm driving, when I'm trying to sleep, the thoughts always are rolling through. But I still won't kill myself. I continue the same bullshit I hate every day. All I do is fantasize about killing myself at work, then come home to sit there all day pacing my apartment and engaging in pointless time-wasting distractions just to make sure I don't fully go insane.

Is there anyone out there that can at least partially relate to this? Because it's killing me feeling completely alone in this.

 

[Hollowman]

Yeah I can relate unfortunately.

 

[Uncounted1846]

I'm a bit older than you, but I completely relate. I have no friends, no family, and as of July last year no job. The days are long and meaningless, but the months seem to add up quickly. It's like that Bill Murray "Groundhog day" movie from the 90s.

I have lost all interest in things I used to love. Video games are routine and monotonous. Hiking is hot, bug infested, and sometimes people infested, too. The only real thing that I adore is sleep. It's the one relief I have from this awful, awful world we live in.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I'm a bit older than you, but I completely relate. I have no friends, no family, and as of July last year no job. The days are long and meaningless, but the months seem to add up quickly. It's like that Bill Murray "Groundhog day" movie from the 90s.

I have lost all interest in things I used to love. Video games are routine and monotonous. Hiking is hot, bug infested, and sometimes people infested, too. The only real thing that I adore is sleep. It's the one relief I have from this awful, awful world we live in.

You and I are nearly identical. 2 years ago I had quit my old factory job. At the time it felt liberating, and I enjoyed the time off I had without having to dread going back there. For the first couple of weeks anyways. Then the monotony began to set back in, and quickly too. Even with my new job filling some of the void, the job itself is so mundane that I might as well be sitting at home staring at a wall, and it's not like I have anything to look forward to when my shift is done. I hope you find a new, better job soon though because I remember how it felt in the months I had without a job after the honeymoon period ended and it sucked.

I agree with you on sleep too. It's the one solace we get and I'm grateful for the sparse moments of it we can get.

 

[Uncounted1846]

You and I are nearly identical. 2 years ago I had quit my old factory job. At the time it felt liberating, and I enjoyed the time off I had without having to dread going back there. For the first couple of weeks anyways. Then the monotony began to set back in, and quickly too. Even with my new job filling some of the void, the job itself is so mundane that I might as well be sitting at home staring at a wall, and it's not like I have anything to look forward to when my shift is done. I hope you find a new, better job soon though because I remember how it felt in the months I had without a job after the honeymoon period ended and it sucked.

I agree with you on sleep too. It's the one solace we get and I'm grateful for the sparse moments of it we can get.

I've been experiencing such drastic sleep issues I've fallen asleep at my last three desk jobs. It cost me the best gig I ever had and it still haunts me to this day. I'm at the point of planning my suicide (enter meeee!! Haha) instead of bothering with another dead end, soul crushing job. But hey, at least there's shitty health insurance and sometimes we'll buy you lunch! I don't get it. There has to be more to life, right?

 

[dragonofenvy]

I've been experiencing such drastic sleep issues I've fallen asleep at my last three desk jobs. It cost me the best gig I ever had and it still haunts me to this day. I'm at the point of planning my suicide (enter meeee!! Haha) instead of bothering with another dead end, soul crushing job. But hey, at least there's shitty health insurance and sometimes we'll buy you lunch! I don't get it. There has to be more to life, right?

I was never able to tell if some people were able to find a purpose some how, despite living such similar lives, or if we are unfortunate enough to have been born with some switch in our brains flipped to be aware of how purposeless everything else, or if it's both, or maybe other people have just never given a thought about it.

 

[Uncounted1846]

I was never able to tell if some people were able to find a purpose some how, despite living such similar lives, or if we are unfortunate enough to have been born with some switch in our brains flipped to be aware of how purposeless everything else, or if it's both, or maybe other people have just never given a thought about it.

I've been a huge people watcher all my life. To the point where pretty girls in high school noticed it and used it to bully me. But nothing stopped me. And it seems like normal people are so blissfully unaware of how meaningless and pointless life really turned out to be. They find solace in other people (this one still baffles me. Every time I've gone to others for support it's blown up in my face.) or hobbies or work. HOW? Nothing I've ever done, career or leisurely, has made me go "wow life really is a gift." And every relationship I've ever had has been shallow and transactional at best. Even when I thought I had made deep connections it turned out to be a coup. People only want to hang out with me when it's convenient for them. And then they spend the whole time either talking about themselves or staring at their phones. I'd rather hide in my house and suffer in peace.

 

[itsgone2]

Is there anyone out there that can at least partially relate to this? Because it's killing me feeling completely alone in this.

Yes, I can relate. It's all I think about. It's been like this for four months and I don't know how I haven't actually gone insane. I've had some weird moments though.

Not sure how much longer it goes on. I'm disappointed because this weekend I had literally nothing going on and I really wanted to go to the gun store and buy a gun. I thought about it a lot. I tried watching videos of people demoing the guy I wanted, and I also watched videos of people dying by handguns. It's stupid, but I'm hoping to desensitize myself. I had all day Saturday. I did nothing that day just laid in bed. Kept watching the clock thinking I had plenty of time since they were open till nine. Then today I went to it. I was there in way plenty of time, but I couldn't go in. I went to a parking lot nearby and just sat there for about two hours. It's so cold and I had to keep turning the car on to warm up. My stomach was so sick I guess from nerves then I would drive past the building and keep going. Same cycle find someplace to park. Try to think about going in. And then I didn't.
I've talked on here quite a bit about how I'm here because my company was sold and this has happened to me so many times and I don't know how to come back from it again. I'm still there for the transition, which is torturous. I've already let many of my friends go. This weekend, one more resigned. So it's only gotten worse in this weekend where I really thought I was going to buy the weapon that would end me. It has to happen eventually and I wish I would stop delaying it cause all it does is give me more days of misery.
One thing I've never understood with humans is torture. I don't understand other things too of course but torture is just so inherently cruel. Why one human would choose to torture another is just beyond me. But now I'm tortured. Every day is torture. It's not even a person doing it. It's just my existence because of this mistakes I made. I hate it. Sorry for the mini rant, but you are not alone.