I've begun to grieve myself

[DoomsdayCTB]

As my date gets closer. I'm a type of sad I've never been. No one else knows it. Only I know when the day comes. It's a few months away, even early into next year. but even lasting seconds is putting me in a type of despair that is so painful. Haven't felt this way since 16-18. Idk. Idk if I can handle it. There's no point in me being here today or tomorrow. But I tried to promise myself to accomplish just one thing. Nobody cares now, nobody will care then. I think my story was inevitably going to end this way. Similar to poor Hayden Pantinerre who died recently. I feel like a dark life begins and ends the same way. I'm sober, but maybe everyone on drugs/drinking has it right. Anyways. I'm grieving myself and its so damn sad. people think you're bluffing. people don't question why you want to see them so badly. don't question why you're giving up your things. why you're getting your wills in order. etc. etc. You did notice, you just didn't care.

Anyone else feel that way as their "day" looms closer.

 

[Passenger4224]

It's very painful. During the times I set CTB dates my emotions have completely spiraled as I counted down to the single digits. One day it was anxiety, another day it was despair and grieving what life could've been, then it was flat out pain, etc.

For one reason or another I kept postponing and I'm used to setting dates to the point where I'm not really phased anymore.

Setting your day so far from now could mean a very painful last few months, or it can give you time to come to terms with the decision. Only time will tell, I wouldn't force anything.

I'm sorry to hear about how awful you've been feeling, I hope it becomes more bearable as time passes

 

[fettyshooter]

oh yeah. everyone says youre supposed to be so happy one week~ before you do it but ive never ever related to that. it feels more anxious and sad than anything. it hurts so bad when people dont think youre serious. especially if they knew you were suicidal the whole time they knew you. it feels so much worse as the date gets closer. 4 days left and i cant stop panicking. im sorry you feel this way too.

 

[DoomsdayCTB]

It's very painful. During the times I set CTB dates my emotions have completely spiraled as I counted down to the single digits. One day it was anxiety, another day it was despair and grieving what life could've been, then it was flat out pain, etc.

For one reason or another I kept postponing and I'm used to setting dates to the point where I'm not really phased anymore.

Setting your day so far from now could mean a very painful last few months, or it can give you time to come to terms with the decision. Only time will tell, I wouldn't force anything.

I'm sorry to hear about how awful you've been feeling, I hope it becomes more bearable as time passes

I remember you. Your screen name. you are still here! I'm glad about it, to see a familiar name. Thank you for wanting that for me, it really means a lot. I wonder if I'll feel like that a week before. I'm so scared. I feel like more people succeed when they aren't thinking or planning it.

oh yeah. everyone says youre supposed to be so happy one week~ before you do it but ive never ever related to that. it feels more anxious and sad than anything. it hurts so bad when people dont think youre serious. especially if they knew you were suicidal the whole time they knew you. it feels so much worse as the date gets closer. 4 days left and i cant stop panicking. im sorry you feel this way too.

I hate that people don't think you're serious either. I think it's messed up the mental health field is telling people its a way to "manipulate"... I'm not telling someone to manipulate them, I'm telling them in case I lose my chance to say goodbye. To stand up for myself and how they've hurt me. I don't want to say to you. I almost want you to still be here on day 5, but I also know the relief of which you are searching for. Whatever happens, I hope it brings you peace... in living or in death.

 

[PsychedeliaSuicide]

Yes, I fluctuate between relieved and mostly an intense tightness in my chest that I can't believe that it's going to be over soon... mine is also in a few months. I've never been actively suicidal before too, only passively, so it's a very strange feeling.