Venting I've been punching myself a lot more lately

[RawPremadePizza]

My go-to self harm method has always been punching myself, in the arms, the thighs, and especially the face.
Lately, since a week ago or so, I've been having really bad suicidal thoughts. The worst I've ever had. I've been sleeping like shit, usually because at night I'm just uncontrollably sobbing and ugly crying, I even tried hanging myself but the crying overpowered it lol I'm a baby...
My thoughts have been horrible, really triggering to me, so I punched myself in the arms, the thighs, and the face, usually the cheeks but also a little bit on the head...I punched myself so hard in the jaw I got a headache and nausea. I was cleaning the floors when I fell to the floor and started crying loud, so fucking overwhelmed by my emotions...
Yesterday I was so tired, but wanted to try and make myself a little better, so I made some premade pizza, but when I ate it, it was raw... I feel so overwhelmed, nothing makes sense. My life's shit. I'm on music school and I feel so stupid, I don't get anything, I'm the slowest in the class. And the worst is that I don't enjoy anything...I don't enjoy this either. I've got no place on this Earth. I feel powerless and useless. So why bother?? I'm cornered, and I feel like there's only one way out this mess...

 

[DeliveryMan105]

I'm sorry you are going through it. I've been in the same position where I feel so shit that I tried to hang myself and the crying overpowered it… but I wanted to know more of why do you hit yourself in these areas if I may ask? I ask because I don't get urges to hit myself but I do get for self harm sometimes I feel like cutting myself and want to see the blood and feel the pain but I never do it because I say it's not worth it and will just be red flags for people who know me and make it harder to ctb

 

[hopeless08]

My go-to self harm method has always been punching myself, in the arms, the thighs, and especially the face.
Lately, since a week ago or so, I've been having really bad suicidal thoughts. The worst I've ever had. I've been sleeping like shit, usually because at night I'm just uncontrollably sobbing and ugly crying, I even tried hanging myself but the crying overpowered it lol I'm a baby...
My thoughts have been horrible, really triggering to me, so I punched myself in the arms, the thighs, and the face, usually the cheeks but also a little bit on the head...I punched myself so hard in the jaw I got a headache and nausea. I was cleaning the floors when I fell to the floor and started crying loud, so fucking overwhelmed by my emotions...
Yesterday I was so tired, but wanted to try and make myself a little better, so I made some premade pizza, but when I ate it, it was raw... I feel so overwhelmed, nothing makes sense. My life's shit. I'm on music school and I feel so stupid, I don't get anything, I'm the slowest in the class. And the worst is that I don't enjoy anything...I don't enjoy this either. I've got no place on this Earth. I feel powerless and useless. So why bother?? I'm cornered, and I feel like there's only one way out this mess...

I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain. I hope that you find some peace somehow.

 

[melancholymallory03]

I hope you find freedom and peace from this miserable suffering soon, you don't deserve this and I'm sorry life is going this way for you:(
I'm wishing you peace and comfort through the rest of you're day and journey
I can relate to punching and hitting myself , I've given myself a few concussions in the past… just try to be cautious of you're head , I almost knocked myself out once ( sorry if this isn't helpful or a bit stupid I mean well)
and the pizza being raw is such a mood

 

[cait_sith]

I also punch myself, mainly on the temple. It's a very bad habit that might lead to concussions.
I once got a punching ball that swings back to you from Amazon that helped me a little, I like how when i punched it and swinged back at me and I let it snap on my arm, which inflicts a light and harmless pain, so i get the satisfaction of punching followed by light pain, exhausting myself in the process. Get gloves too.

 

[ShadowsBeforeDawn]

My go-to self harm method has always been punching myself, in the arms, the thighs, and especially the face.
Lately, since a week ago or so, I've been having really bad suicidal thoughts. The worst I've ever had. I've been sleeping like shit, usually because at night I'm just uncontrollably sobbing and ugly crying, I even tried hanging myself but the crying overpowered it lol I'm a baby...
My thoughts have been horrible, really triggering to me, so I punched myself in the arms, the thighs, and the face, usually the cheeks but also a little bit on the head...I punched myself so hard in the jaw I got a headache and nausea. I was cleaning the floors when I fell to the floor and started crying loud, so fucking overwhelmed by my emotions...
Yesterday I was so tired, but wanted to try and make myself a little better, so I made some premade pizza, but when I ate it, it was raw... I feel so overwhelmed, nothing makes sense. My life's shit. I'm on music school and I feel so stupid, I don't get anything, I'm the slowest in the class. And the worst is that I don't enjoy anything...I don't enjoy this either. I've got no place on this Earth. I feel powerless and useless. So why bother?? I'm cornered, and I feel like there's only one way out this mess...

I relate to your post so much. I also punch my thighs when I get to the point of being beyond overwhelmed and feeling powerless. Something about the pain and seeing the bruises helps me cope with the emotional stress that is invisible. I'm so sorry you're going through it. Sending you a hug.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

I understand, I punch myself in the head and forehead also, when I'm really overwhelmed and it's the only thing that calms me down.

I'm trying to be kinder to myself. Telling myself it's not the end of the world helps, but not always.

Try not to beat yourself up about education, because we all learn differently. Some are more visual so they appear 'slower', therefore would 'get' something straight away if it was say, in picture form or via a demonstration, and sometimes it just takes different approaches for someone to 'get' it - it doesn't mean you're slower, it means you learn in a different way. We are literally all different.

And sometimes, trauma holds us back, due to emotions overriding your ability to learn. Unfortunately, this is normal with someone that's easily overwhelmed, and I understand, because I have the same problem.

You're not alone in this, lots of people on this site can relate :-)

I hope things ease a bit for you soon

 

[PINKIESISU]

My go-to self harm method has always been punching myself, in the arms, the thighs, and especially the face.
Lately, since a week ago or so, I've been having really bad suicidal thoughts. The worst I've ever had. I've been sleeping like shit, usually because at night I'm just uncontrollably sobbing and ugly crying, I even tried hanging myself but the crying overpowered it lol I'm a baby...
My thoughts have been horrible, really triggering to me, so I punched myself in the arms, the thighs, and the face, usually the cheeks but also a little bit on the head...I punched myself so hard in the jaw I got a headache and nausea. I was cleaning the floors when I fell to the floor and started crying loud, so fucking overwhelmed by my emotions...
Yesterday I was so tired, but wanted to try and make myself a little better, so I made some premade pizza, but when I ate it, it was raw... I feel so overwhelmed, nothing makes sense. My life's shit. I'm on music school and I feel so stupid, I don't get anything, I'm the slowest in the class. And the worst is that I don't enjoy anything...I don't enjoy this either. I've got no place on this Earth. I feel powerless and useless. So why bother?? I'm cornered, and I feel like there's only one way out this mess...

You want to talk about self harm I'm a professional unfortunately I'm a durable professional why do I say this because I go to the point where I beat the ever living shit out of this body by bashing it in the side of the head in the temple I do this until I pass out I have bruises all over my face and everything only to heal day later pretty fucking lame if you haven't done the temple thing you might want to try it you might be more successful unless you're durable as well hopefully you're not and you can end your hell but yeah I beat the shit out of this body a lot because I hate it so much good luck to you I've done the arms the legs that doesn't really do much makes bruises day later they're healed but the temple yeah I get dizzy sometimes I can't walk in a straight line after a session a beating the shit out of this body only to hope that I'll drop dead but I don't obviously I'm sending you this message reply whatever

 

[theboy]

I hear you. Lately I've had a strong urge to attack myself or have someone else cut me. I hope I don't cut myself to avoid problems.

 

[Tesha]

Why do we feel the need to beat the shite out of ourselves?

I self harm by cutting my stomach, when I'm feeling really shite. Occasionally after I cut, I cover them in dressings, I then punch the cuts until they bleed through the dressings - replace the dressings and then do it again.

Life is all a bit fucked up, isn't it?

 

[RawPremadePizza]

Hi DeliveryMan105, I get the urges to punch myself mainly to punish myself, because I feel powerless or stupid. Those urges arise so suddenly it's hard to stop them, and...it feels good when I punch me for a second or two, because I feel I'm ''getting what I deserve'', but it quickly goes away when the headache or the pain sets in...and then it feels worse, I feel more stupid and now in pain. And I don't cut myself because the pain is different, it's unbearable to me, makes me feel all dizzy and weak. I've tried but never could.

Thank you melancholymallory03 appreaciate it <3, Yeah I'm also scared of messing with my brain I don't want to be stupider... Now that I remember better, I used to punch the back of my head on the concrete walls of my room when I was a little child :( also because of frustration and anger. Poor mini-me, I wish I could go back in time and give her the hugs love and attention she always looked for. My parents used to throw me in the bedroom when I was having tantrums and I was in need of so much attention it was painful, so I banged my head and scratched my skin to feel something else. Things didn't change much huh?

Omg ShadowsBeforeDown I use a similar logic when self-harming. My pain is almost all invisible, aside from weighting lower than normal due to not being hungry or able to prepare myself a meal for various reasons...but when I self harm I feel like I exteriorize my pain and it becomes...real? at least for other people right? but nobody knows I do it, nor it leaves hematomas visible, so after all it's just for my own validation...

Do you all know what's worse than all this? My mother actually saw me punching myself once a couple years ago. She shouted at me anglyly, when I went into my room I heard her say to the dog I was a 'crazy fucker'. She never comforted me at all.

The doctor I had when I was a child TOLD her that when I get a tantrum to hug me until I calmed down. I don't remember any change at all. Of course I'm now much grown and don't throw tantrums, but I'm still in pain, why doesn't she act like any respectable mother would?

Once when we were outside she saw my cheeks green and said, MOCKINGLY, 'wow you have green in this part, what happened? you punched yourself?'
I'm afraid of saying something like this, but I hate her so much. No mother does this. She doesn't deserve to be called that. No wonder I punch myself, no wonder I'm so lonely, no wonder I feel like my life has no point at all...


Quotes:

I'm sorry you are going through it. I've been in the same position where I feel so shit that I tried to hang myself and the crying overpowered it… but I wanted to know more of why do you hit yourself in these areas if I may ask? I ask because I don't get urges to hit myself but I do get for self harm sometimes I feel like cutting myself and want to see the blood and feel the pain but I never do it because I say it's not worth it and will just be red flags for people who know me and make it harder to ctb

I hope you find freedom and peace from this miserable suffering soon, you don't deserve this and I'm sorry life is going this way for you:(
I'm wishing you peace and comfort through the rest of you're day and journey
I can relate to punching and hitting myself , I've given myself a few concussions in the past… just try to be cautious of you're head , I almost knocked myself out once ( sorry if this isn't helpful or a bit stupid I mean well)
and the pizza being raw is such a mood

I relate to your post so much. I also punch my thighs when I get to the point of being beyond overwhelmed and feeling powerless. Something about the pain and seeing the bruises helps me cope with the emotional stress that is invisible. I'm so sorry you're going through it. Sending you a hug.