Venting I’ve basically been high this entire month

[Sober4MostDays]

I found out some time back that this liquor store real close by sells these vapes with Amanita Muscaria mushroom extract and delta 8 THC I think. I've been going crazy on them because they have been helping me cope with my depression. Like right now I actually feel kinda happy. I think I had an important realization today.

You know it's not too long now until I turn 26 years old. I'm really hoping I can start to turn things around. Cause if things don't get better at all by my 30th birthday I think I'd have to end it. It's funny I started off my 20s in 2018 overdosing from my most serious suicide attempt ever in my life. I was in psychosis and thought people were out to kill me at my apartment complex. Something about being in that mind state really took away my survival instinct to a large degree.

I remember that night after I had taken all my mom's high blood pressure pills and stuff walking out into the kitchen to grab some water trying to not act suspicious and I just collapsed on the ground for a second from my blood pressure already being so low. I felt very weird, but got up like nothing happened grabbed my water and walked back to my bedroom without my mother noticing. I went to sleep that night truly hoping I would never wake up again.

Fortunately or unfortunately I did wake up and when my mom went to take her morning pills she realized they were all gone and I went to walk out to the living room to fess up and collapsed again in front of her and she called 911. This was my 20th birthday now. I got carried out in a stretcher into an ambulance and even riding in that I was completely dead inside still hoping they couldn't save me somehow, but at this point realizing they probably would.

I end up being in the ICU for some days and then the more normal part of the hospital then the psych ward and then they sent me away to this residential treatment facility type thing for a month. I got diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder and got put on an antipsychotic injection that helped me return to sanity and really helped alleviate my extreme paranoia.

But since then the depression has never gone away. None of the meds I've tried for that have ever helped. Self-medication has actually done more for me, but also really messed me up too. I don't know where I was really going with this I guess I'm just really high and felt like sharing some of my story a little bit sorry haha.

 

[set0553]

Began self medicating around 10 years ago, using the herb Kratom, which does about the same as you're describing. Been kind of a miracle of sorts, but I became addicted and built up a large tolerance which when I really think about it awhile makes me panic sometimes. Having to need something everyday in order to function and get through life has its own problems. Haha. But finding something that helps is still a positive thing. Id tried out shrooms and THC a few times, years ago, and just made me have a panic attack, but if its working for you then id say just go with it.