Discussion I've applied for a new job today and I overthink it

[d3c96524be95]

I know I'm lucky enough to have a job in the first place, a job that's not too alienating and that pays more than what I really need. But that job has not been contributing to my well-being lately for numerous reasons. I'm bored of what I do and I feel my contribution to society is senseless. I've been in that same company for almost 10 years. Since then, the company has grown a lot and the management changed with it, not in good ways. I have two colleagues I get along with and we're almost friends, but apart from them, with remote working and my frequent sick leaves, I don't get to know my other colleagues much (although some of them seem nice). There are some other colleagues however that I consider as toxic and are an important reason why I really need to leave this company soon.

Anyways, today I've applied for a new job. There's a high chance I'll be rejected because I'm still severely depressed and under medications that slows me down even more (and because I'm incompetent and dumb af but ). On top of that, I overthink it really too much. I try to plan everything, every question I could be asked, and I know it's completely pointless because they won't ask me any of the questions I'm preparing for, should they even consider responding to my application. I stress out so much I throw up (and they've not even responded to my application yet!!). God, I wish I was more stoic, but I'm such a sponge for negative emotions.

Most importantly, in the unlikely event they respond to my application and want to see me, I fear so much being rejected, and I know it has great chances of happening. I think it would knock me down and put me at high risk of CTB. It's such a high risk low reward operation that I'm not even sure why I undertook it in the first place.

Thanks for reading to that point (if you did), that means a lot. Advises, encouragements, shoutout, discouragements, or any constructive remark welcome, even if you didn't read.

 

[huntergirl14]

I feel you. But you have 10 years of experience, so if you don't get this job you will get another one. Just keep trying.

 

[Sulyya]

So much of this is my present position almost exactly. Except I'm not too worried about them not accepting me, in fact I'm a bit anxious for them to offer since then I have to make the choice between the two. And for some reason I get anxious about telling a job that I am leaving, like it's letting them down or something - even though they really don't care lol.

There are lots of reasons a place will decide not to hire one or another person, and maybe they want to hire you but some other person they saw knows someone else or has this-or-that other skill they need.

Keep trying though!

 

[d3c96524be95]

Update: I got a response, meeting with HR on monday . Wish me luck.

Thanks so much for your two responses. Kinda helps, not at feeling less anxious but at toning down the event of a failure.

I feel you. But you have 10 years of experience, so if you don't get this job you will get another one. Just keep trying.

I have indeed some experience, but I work in IT and some interview questions in this field are so unrelated to the actual jobs. I can't help but think I'll fail because of this. And there are so many other reasons it could go wrong, like being perceived as weird or anything subjective. Everything makes me so anxious I want to cry but I can't.

So much of this is my present position almost exactly. Except I'm not too worried about them not accepting me, in fact I'm a bit anxious for them to offer since then I have to make the choice between the two. And for some reason I get anxious about telling a job that I am leaving, like it's letting them down or something - even though they really don't care lol.

I've felt *exactly* like this, and it's partly the reason why I've worked at this company for so long even though the situation has been worsening and worsening for the last few years. I'm now at a point where saying "goodbye everyone" and turning this page in my life would just be a relief. As you said, they don't care (or more precisely, some people may care because they liked working with me or they liked me as a person, but the company and management really doesn't).

If I'm rejected, I'm even considering leaving my current job and apartment, and going back to my parent's place. Can't see me drowning like this anymore, and having a job is just an additional burden at this point (even if I'm still paid during my sick leaves).

There are lots of reasons a place will decide not to hire one or another person, and maybe they want to hire you but some other person they saw knows someone else or has this-or-that other skill they need.

Sure. But regardless, I know I won't rationalize and just hate myself more…

Keep trying though!

 

[raindrops]

I know I'm lucky enough to have a job in the first place, a job that's not too alienating and that pays more than what I really need. But that job has not been contributing to my well-being lately for numerous reasons. I'm bored of what I do and I feel my contribution to society is senseless. I've been in that same company for almost 10 years. Since then, the company has grown a lot and the management changed with it, not in good ways. I have two colleagues I get along with and we're almost friends, but apart from them, with remote working and my frequent sick leaves, I don't get to know my other colleagues much (although some of them seem nice). There are some other colleagues however that I consider as toxic and are an important reason why I really need to leave this company soon.

I'm too scared to apply for a job and I want a job so badly!! I'm glad you have applied for this other one though. Reading why you want to leave and it reminds me of why I left my job that I worked at for 10 years!! I had so many sick days too. I felt so disconnected from it all after lockdown though, like I didn't want or need the job anymore. I started to have this constant feeling of never truly fitting in with them all as well.

So I applied for another job, I was accepted, I got the job and I hated that more than anything so I left that one too and applied for another and I got that job and I never fucking turned up to it. I am a cautionary tale. If I can get employed, you sure as shit will too because you're currently employed! They love that, no matter what role you're in.

Remember you're in a lucky position still having that current job though, I know I shouldn't say that but I will because when I left my job I regretted it so badly. I tried to go back this year actually and it was my old job that rejected me.

I feel like shit mate.
I want that job I had for 10 years back.
Shouldn't of left.

We're all different but I am here to say don't stress because I remember wanting to escape that job and trust me you'll get another one no matter what. I just want my old job back.

 

[Citruscine]

I'm not even close to where you are career wise, as I have been in schooling (currently in post secondary) for most of my life, but I majorly sympathize with you.
As someone near graduation and seeking first employment in my field, my extreme sensitivity to rejection is very much not in my favour when it comes to job applications and my general hope / outlook on life.

Hoping luck turns out in your favour and you can get out of your current job

 

[Ki_Nam]

I'm in almost the same situation. I've been with my company for almost 6 years, have 3 coworkers that I get along really well with, but it is not a rewarding job at all. Of course I am grateful that I have a job at all, seeing as how I'm easily defeated and suppressed in this shark tank we call society.

I'm happy to hear that someone might make it. Good luck.

 

[d3c96524be95]

Thanks you all for the kind words. I see that some of you can relate directly or indirectly which is really comforting for me.

I'm too scared to apply for a job and I want a job so badly!! I'm glad you have applied for this other one though. Reading why you want to leave and it reminds me of why I left my job that I worked at for 10 years!! I had so many sick days too. I felt so disconnected from it all after lockdown though, like I didn't want or need the job anymore. I started to have this constant feeling of never truly fitting in with them all as well.

Yeah, the lockdown hit me hard as well. It seems that my other workmates are more resilient than me. I'm currently working in full remote because I'm afraid of going to the workplace and seeing people (especially the toxic ones, but even the nice ones). I hope it'll get better because my next company might not be as cool about remote working. My current employer has known me for so long that they kinda trust me now.

So I applied for another job, I was accepted, I got the job and I hated that more than anything so I left that one too and applied for another and I got that job and I never fucking turned up to it. I am a cautionary tale. If I can get employed, you sure as shit will too because you're currently employed! They love that, no matter what role you're in.

Remember you're in a lucky position still having that current job though, I know I shouldn't say that but I will because when I left my job I regretted it so badly. I tried to go back this year actually and it was my old job that rejected me.

Being accepted only to discover that the job is not as good as expected is also something that I'm anxious about, and I'm sorry it happened to you. I'm not there yet though, I just hope that it'll be more stimulating than my current position.

I feel like shit mate.
I want that job I had for 10 years back.
Shouldn't of left.

I'm so sorry to read this. I can just hope you'll eventually be able to find a job that fits you.

We're all different but I am here to say don't stress because I remember wanting to escape that job and trust me you'll get another one no matter what. I just want my old job back.

I'm not even close to where you are career wise, as I have been in schooling (currently in post secondary) for most of my life, but I majorly sympathize with you.
As someone near graduation and seeking first employment in my field, my extreme sensitivity to rejection is very much not in my favour when it comes to job applications and my general hope / outlook on life.

Hoping luck turns out in your favour and you can get out of your current job

The funny thing your comment made me notice: I've never ever been rejected after an application, mostly because I've always avoided situations where it might have happened. I was accepted in the college I wanted, which I failed miserably two years later because "depression" (i.e. because I'm dumb). I got underpaid summer jobs and internships where they didn't even care about my profile. I had temporary contracts in IT when I needed them because my dad's friends knew I was "good with computers". Even my current job originated from a final year internship, so they weren't as demanding during interviews. I'm such a fraud.

I sincerely hope you'll be able to sneak your way into your dream job and that you won't be rejected.

I'm in almost the same situation. I've been with my company for almost 6 years, have 3 coworkers that I get along really well with, but it is not a rewarding job at all. Of course I am grateful that I have a job at all, seeing as how I'm easily defeated and suppressed in this shark tank we call society.

Do you have any plan on leaving your current job and finding a more rewarding one? Or are you keeping it to maintain some sort of "status quo" with your mental health? I was in the latter case (even though the "status quo" was very uncomfortable), but this new job perspective just puts me on edge.

I'm happy to hear that someone might make it. Good luck.

Thanks, though having a meeting with HR is just the first step of a long journey. More stress upcoming, and the downfall will be rough .

 

[huntergirl14]

Update: I got a response, meeting with HR on monday . Wish me luck.

Thanks so much for your two responses. Kinda helps, not at feeling less anxious but at toning down the event of a failure.



I have indeed some experience, but I work in IT and some interview questions in this field are so unrelated to the actual jobs. I can't help but think I'll fail because of this. And there are so many other reasons it could go wrong, like being perceived as weird or anything subjective. Everything makes me so anxious I want to cry but I can't.



I've felt *exactly* like this, and it's partly the reason why I've worked at this company for so long even though the situation has been worsening and worsening for the last few years. I'm now at a point where saying "goodbye everyone" and turning this page in my life would just be a relief. As you said, they don't care (or more precisely, some people may care because they liked working with me or they liked me as a person, but the company and management really doesn't).

If I'm rejected, I'm even considering leaving my current job and apartment, and going back to my parent's place. Can't see me drowning like this anymore, and having a job is just an additional burden at this point (even if I'm still paid during my sick leaves).


Sure. But regardless, I know I won't rationalize and just hate myself more…

I feel you! But don't give up. I'm in IT as well and I know what you mean haha. Even in my job, they asked questions related to a totally different thing that I only knew the basics of.
Did you clear your Technical round? If yes then that's awesome, the meeting with HR is easier, it's more professional and they just want to get to know you. Just open youtube and search for "your job role interview tips" and you can cram some knowledge before the interview.

And even if you fail, in the end, make sure to ask them for feedback, so you know what exactly you have to work on. I wish you all the best.

 

[d3c96524be95]

I feel you! But don't give up. I'm in IT as well and I know what you mean haha. Even in my job, they asked questions related to a totally different thing that I only knew the basics of.
Did you clear your Technical round? If yes then that's awesome, the meeting with HR is easier, it's more professional and they just want to get to know you. Just open youtube and search for "your job role interview tips" and you can cram some knowledge before the interview.

And even if you fail, in the end, make sure to ask them for feedback, so you know what exactly you have to work on. I wish you all the best.

Thanks for the tips. No, the meeting with HR is just a preliminary screening step. TBH, I'm not too anxious about it because I've faked socially all my life, therefore I should be able to pass that. Technical interviews are following however, and that's what I fear the most. Stress can literally make me brain-freeze. In such circumstances, I might even not be able to reverse a linked list or do such basic stuff. I don't understand why they do this because they're just measuring the level of stress of the candidate and the ability to review trick questions before the interview, which is completely irrelevant. *Obviously* I know how to invert a linked list when I don't have multiple people I don't know looking over my shoulder to judge me. But most importantly, in 20 years of programming, I never had a single use-case for basically any trick question they may ask about data structures. Some interview questions on YouTube are like: "you don't know this exact trick you'll only ever need for this specific interview questions? then bye bye " and that just stresses me out. I mean, I have a GitHub profile if they want to see if I know how to code and work with data structures, isn't that more relevant? If I have a specific twisted algorithmic problem, I'll have all the time to understand it and think about it calmly, I'll be able to search for similar problems or tackle the problem in different ways, I'll be able to discuss it with colleagues. Honestly, this kind of interview questions should not be socially accepted, or should be made illegal.

 

[huntergirl14]

Yeah makes sense. I'm really bad at conveying words while speaking, so I can understand the frustration. Everyone these days wants you to become a know it all and act as they talk like social influencers or YouTubers in their field with all these new trends and everything. During my last interview, I actually forgot a few bash commands even though I have used and experimented with Linux all throughout college lol!
But, you got this!

 

[d3c96524be95]

Making a quick update to this thread even though probably nobody cares. First of all, I wanted to warmly thank everyone who has replied to me. It really helped with my stress, but most importantly, it helped me tone down the event of a failure which has been incredibly helpful.

So I got the screening interview with HR, where they asked me the usual stuff, like presenting myself, why I applied, why I wanted to leave my current job, which salary I was aiming for and whatnot. So we quickly planed the technical interview which took place yesterday. It was 2 times 90 minutes (and I'm not done yet with the interviews, what a hell ). They indeed asked me the kind of trick theroritic-technical-trick question I was terrified about, but for some lucky reason I kind of nailed it. I could write a whole thread about how I felt while doing this, but that wouldn't be interesting. Let's just say it was harsh and stupid.

You never known, but so far, I'd say that it objectively went pretty decently. Now, subjectively, I can't stop looping over the questions I missed and it creates a lot of anxiety and dark thoughts, but that's always been the way my thinking process worked.

During my last interview, I actually forgot a few bash commands even though I have used and experimented with Linux all throughout college lol!
But, you got this!

Man, I forgot the nmap command which I had used *last week* and I wasn't even capable of reminding me why a private key was needed along with the certificate in a TLS connection. The stress hits me so hard. WTF, I feel so dumb, that's incredible.

Anyways, I wanted to thank you all personally, @huntergirl14, @Ki_Nam, @Citruscine, @raindrops and @Sulyya although this seems piddling compared to the moral support your responses have given me. So, just thank you, and I truly mean it.

I'll keep updating this thread until the final verdict. Again, probably nobody cares, but it helps me venting.

 

[Sulyya]

Best of luck!

 

[huntergirl14]

Making a quick update to this thread even though probably nobody cares. First of all, I wanted to warmly thank everyone who has replied to me. It really helped with my stress, but most importantly, it helped me tone down the event of a failure which has been incredibly helpful.

So I got the screening interview with HR, where they asked me the usual stuff, like presenting myself, why I applied, why I wanted to leave my current job, which salary I was aiming for and whatnot. So we quickly planed the technical interview which took place yesterday. It was 2 times 90 minutes (and I'm not done yet with the interviews, what a hell ). They indeed asked me the kind of trick theroritic-technical-trick question I was terrified about, but for some lucky reason I kind of nailed it. I could write a whole thread about how I felt while doing this, but that wouldn't be interesting. Let's just say it was harsh and stupid.

You never known, but so far, I'd say that it objectively went pretty decently. Now, subjectively, I can't stop looping over the questions I missed and it creates a lot of anxiety and dark thoughts, but that's always been the way my thinking process worked.



Man, I forgot the nmap command which I had used *last week* and I wasn't even capable of reminding me why a private key was needed along with the certificate in a TLS connection. The stress hits me so hard. WTF, I feel so dumb, that's incredible.

Anyways, I wanted to thank you all personally, @huntergirl14, @Ki_Nam, @Citruscine, @raindrops and @Sulyya although this seems piddling compared to the moral support your responses have given me. So, just thank you, and I truly mean it.

I'll keep updating this thread until the final verdict. Again, probably nobody cares, but it helps me venting.

Proud of you! you'll nail all the remaining ones.

And we all forget commands, especially different arguments. For ease, you can add shortcuts of commands in your ~/.bashrc file!
(pro tip- use masscan instead of nmap maybe they will be impressed lol! its fast as heck)

 

[d3c96524be95]

Got the job . I can't believe it. What a fraud.