Venting it’s unbearable

[renrone]

i can't do this anymore, i have given the world all i could. it's exhausting breathing, it's exhausting even having my heart beat, i am entirely out of energy, mentally, emotionally and physically. having a way out now doesn't even feel freeing, it doesn't feel good. i'm miserable no matter what i do, but i'm so desperate to ctb, i can't hold on any longer, i've had enough. i've spent years like this, being told "it'll get better" but what happens when it eventually gets worse again? i hold no guarantee to joy once i've found it, in fact i always get this bad again, so whats the point? when no matter what i do i end up so miserable it hurts to even be alive? even being able (or perhaps unable) to feel anything feels like a punishment to me, all i have left is an suffocating feeling of misery. i'm sure i do love the people in my life, but i'm ready to be selfish this time. i don't care if i hurt the people around me, i will be long gone and won't be able to care anyway. as soon as i try and get better i end up spiralling instead, i have gotten this bad by trying my best to feel better, what a cruel joke. i've finally made it to the lowest and worst i've ever been and nothing is holding up anymore. i have completely deteriorated in every aspect, i'm already dead basically, what's the point of even holding on? i truly long for death, i don't care how painful or slow or terrible it is, anything would be better than this. maybe i do objectively have a good life, but still, none of that joy or happiness or anything, really, reaches me. it wouldn't matter, i'd still be miserable, and i am stuck miserable. i can't ctb, i have no privacy in this house, no autonomy either. hell, even if i don't ctb my body will probably give up anyway. i'm so miserable the mere fact i can't die is torture, every second is unbearable.

 

[jussrav]

Hi I feel the same. I cant get any lower its like I am a corosecwalking around with nothing inside. I am literally self destructing everyday. I wanna die badly I just wish I could do it and not end up worse. I dont know what peace is or happiness. I am sorry u feel like this its not nice to suffer like this everyday.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really horrible feeling so trapped in that situation, existence really is too cruel, it's dreadful how people have to suffer so much.

 

[renrone]

Hi I feel the same. I cant get any lower its like I am a corosecwalking around with nothing inside. I am literally self destructing everyday. I wanna die badly I just wish I could do it and not end up worse. I dont know what peace is or happiness. I am sorry u feel like this its not nice to suffer like this everyday.

thank you, i'm sorry you have to experience this as well. it's really miserable isn't it? i hope one day you will find peace.

It must be really horrible feeling so trapped in that situation, existence really is too cruel, it's dreadful how people have to suffer so much.

thank you, it really is horrible. but i'm sure i'll find my freedom eventually, i have nothing left to lose anyway.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

i can't do this anymore, i have given the world all i could. it's exhausting breathing, it's exhausting even having my heart beat, i am entirely out of energy, mentally, emotionally and physically. having a way out now doesn't even feel freeing, it doesn't feel good. i'm miserable no matter what i do, but i'm so desperate to ctb, i can't hold on any longer, i've had enough. i've spent years like this, being told "it'll get better" but what happens when it eventually gets worse again? i hold no guarantee to joy once i've found it, in fact i always get this bad again, so whats the point? when no matter what i do i end up so miserable it hurts to even be alive? even being able (or perhaps unable) to feel anything feels like a punishment to me, all i have left is an suffocating feeling of misery. i'm sure i do love the people in my life, but i'm ready to be selfish this time. i don't care if i hurt the people around me, i will be long gone and won't be able to care anyway. as soon as i try and get better i end up spiralling instead, i have gotten this bad by trying my best to feel better, what a cruel joke. i've finally made it to the lowest and worst i've ever been and nothing is holding up anymore. i have completely deteriorated in every aspect, i'm already dead basically, what's the point of even holding on? i truly long for death, i don't care how painful or slow or terrible it is, anything would be better than this. maybe i do objectively have a good life, but still, none of that joy or happiness or anything, really, reaches me. it wouldn't matter, i'd still be miserable, and i am stuck miserable. i can't ctb, i have no privacy in this house, no autonomy either. hell, even if i don't ctb my body will probably give up anyway. i'm so miserable the mere fact i can't die is torture, every second is unbearable.

Well said.

 

[cozse<3]

i can't do this anymore, i have given the world all i could. it's exhausting breathing, it's exhausting even having my heart beat, i am entirely out of energy, mentally, emotionally and physically. having a way out now doesn't even feel freeing, it doesn't feel good. i'm miserable no matter what i do, but i'm so desperate to ctb, i can't hold on any longer, i've had enough. i've spent years like this, being told "it'll get better" but what happens when it eventually gets worse again? i hold no guarantee to joy once i've found it, in fact i always get this bad again, so whats the point? when no matter what i do i end up so miserable it hurts to even be alive? even being able (or perhaps unable) to feel anything feels like a punishment to me, all i have left is an suffocating feeling of misery. i'm sure i do love the people in my life, but i'm ready to be selfish this time. i don't care if i hurt the people around me, i will be long gone and won't be able to care anyway. as soon as i try and get better i end up spiralling instead, i have gotten this bad by trying my best to feel better, what a cruel joke. i've finally made it to the lowest and worst i've ever been and nothing is holding up anymore. i have completely deteriorated in every aspect, i'm already dead basically, what's the point of even holding on? i truly long for death, i don't care how painful or slow or terrible it is, anything would be better than this. maybe i do objectively have a good life, but still, none of that joy or happiness or anything, really, reaches me. it wouldn't matter, i'd still be miserable, and i am stuck miserable. i can't ctb, i have no privacy in this house, no autonomy either. hell, even if i don't ctb my body will probably give up anyway. i'm so miserable the mere fact i can't die is torture, every second is unbearable.

I feel exactly the same