It's time for me to go

[Lutembëe]

Well, I guess it's time.

My fiance broke with me this morning. He tells me that it's not me, but that something broke inside him a year and a half ago when I told him I wanted to kill myself.
He told me this morning that he had been aware of this for a few months. We were engaged at the time and I followed him across the country and paid all the expenses. He let me do that. He tells me he can't do it anymore but he still cares about me.

I hate my job, he was my mainstay, he was the one who kept me going. I have nothing left to live for.
I've wanted to kill myself since I was a teenager, the idea was latent. I discovered this forum in winter 2020, it was a relief. I bought SN right after, before it got hard in Europe.

I found out that winter that I have Asperger's and ADHD, plus eating disorders. Nothing is curable and I will live with latent depression for the rest of my life. Nothing gets better, despite treatment and psychiatric care for many years.

In short, it's over. I don't cry, at least not any more, I know that for me it's time to go. I'm leaving with serenity, I've achieved a lot in my life but I can't go on. This is the trigger, the one I needed to overcome my fear of passing to the other side.

It's strange to think that this is a reality, I'm really going to leave. I'm finally going to be free of my misfortune.

I tell myself that I had the chance to see my mother this week before she died. I am so angry at myself for leaving her alone, she is an invalid and I am her whole life.
I blame myself for leaving my brother who cares about me, I failed to support him all along the way. I hope he makes it, I'm sure he will.
I feel bad for leaving my father without seeing him for a few weeks, he really counted on me.

My friends... I don't have many, they'll wonder why I did this. All they had to do was check up on me. I was always the one who made the first move, but I can already hear their words about how they didn't see it coming and how they regret it.

Thank you to this forum for existing, I haven't posted for some time but I thank you for being there for each other. I hope it will be useful to others.

It's going to be either tonight or this weekend. I ate this morning so I don't know if it will work tonight.

I don't know if I'm committing suicide at home or at the hotel.

I feel so bad about being like this, I've ruined everything because of my illness.

My poor mother...

 

[haibiantou]

sending you love and light
thank you for sharing and I'm so sorry this awful thing has happened to you
wishing you a painless end and that you can have some freedom and peace

 

[LONE WOLF.]

@Luntembee If you CTB then the world will lose another Angel, No-one should end their life because of a person,but if that's your choice then l can only respect it! If you go peacefully into the night then l hope you find the light you have been searching for! Gentle Hugs to you Earth Angel.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I...don't know what to say other than I am so, so sorry. Going through a similar situation myself, so, your story really touched me and made my heart hurt for you. People like us, simple people who love to help and don't ask for much simply want that one person we can relate to to be there for us. Alas, oftentimes they throw us away for something "better". Yeah, if they truly cared for us, they wouldn't abandon us when we need them most, but, sadly most people think only of themselves when it comes time to show true love and sacrifice. Oh well. Maybe the world doesn't need kindness. Seems to throw away those who perpetrate it....

 

[Lutembëe]

Thank you for your kind words @haibiantou and @LONE WOLF. @avoid_slow_death

This decision had already been taken a few years ago, without having set a precise date. But yes, this break-up made me decide when...

I am confused about my feelings. I am very sad that I will never be happy in my life, I have tried everything. But I also have a certain serenity to tell myself that my ordeal will finally be over soon.

I hope that the transition will be smooth, I am afraid of the effects of SN.

I'll post my journey here in any case.

 

[marinekiwi]

Thank you for your kind words @haibiantou and @LONE WOLF. @avoid_slow_death

This decision had already been taken a few years ago, without having set a precise date. But yes, this break-up made me decide when...

I am confused about my feelings. I am very sad that I will never be happy in my life, I have tried everything. But I also have a certain serenity to tell myself that my ordeal will finally be over soon.

I hope that the transition will be smooth, I am afraid of the effects of SN.

I'll post my journey here in any case.

Don't be afraid, for you'll not be alone here.
I'm sorry you are suffering this much. Break ups are one of the most painful things one can endure. Even more when that special one is the only remaining thing that keeps you tied to life.
In the end, as I always say, people only care for themselves, no matter if they deliver a killing blow to someone with their actions.

Hope you can finally find the peace you need. We'll be here for you in any case.

 

[Rational man]

YOU are not to blame. You didnt choose illness afterall. Sensitive people often feel alot of pain, quite often others reflect their pain on you. im in a similar situation but I choose to leave this world when my disease pain cannot be managed anymore. It's not rhe outcome I wanted but illness can be profoundly debilitating❤

 

[fox_wannabe]

Maybe he was not the one, I know it sounds cruel but there are plenty of many who would care about you and love you.
I also have ADHD and Asperger's, It makes my life unworthy of living. But maybe You still have a chance, Maybe It is not over for you and you have attributes I do not have.

I also have to make first move on everybody. I am not anybody's first choice, never. It truly feels lonely. Whatever you do, do not blame yourself. You carry enough of shame already. It was never your choice to be like that or to end up like that. Life chose this for us before we were born.

 

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

I can understand that sadness, the sadness of wanting a normal life, to be happy or at least mildly happy but not being able of achieving it; we usually don't ask for much, but seems so hard to get. But within all that, at least you have confidence that you tried and lived a not so bad life, I congratulate you for that. Is sad that this is the way to go, but at least you are relatively on peace. May the stars guide you.

Best of luck.

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

Apologies for the lengthy read. Hopefully it is of some value...

Well this is your decision, and as such you reserve the right to do what you feel you need to. You are the arbiter of your destiny.
However I have to say that I think maybe you dodged a bullet with the fiance; life is hard, marriage is hard... perhaps it was best for you not to be with someone who couldn't handle the reality of your existence. Perhaps you need someone with greater strength who values you enough to take you for who you are, flaws included.
After all, you must possess a huge amount of strength to have made it this far- why shouldn't your fiance be the same?

**********************Disclaimer: this sections contains info about my life**********************

I add the following not to detract from your situation, but to provide some comparison.
Eating disorders are hard. I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder which is an issue in a similar vein. Makes me feel like I'm losing my mind.
I grew up with a rich, narcissistic, drug addicted Dad who abandoned my brother and I financially, and a mother who was ill from a young age.
I have knee injuries from being assaulted in adolescence, dental problems, jaw, neck and shoulder nerve pain in my right arm that makes it near impossible to hold down a job... I have to live with my ill mother (with whom I have relationship problems) in government housing as I can't work anymore.
I have acne which adds to my Body Dysmorphia.
I used to have a marijuana habit which I developed to deal with the PTSD and chronic pain of being assaulted.
I am 30 years old.
I was fighting hard until the nerve pain... now I can barely think, or sleep without the aid of medication that makes me feel like shit.
I feel utterly, hopelessly trapped, and worthless as a human being, which pairs really well with body image problems I've had since I was 15.

Due to extreme poverty my best options for suicide are to jump under a train that runs close to here, or hang myself- both ideas of which I'm not terribly fond. The former due to the possibility of traumatising the train driver, and the latter due to the length of time I have to struggle before I die.
I don't even know anywhere or have the money to get my hands on strong drugs to ease the act such as heroin. All I can get is weed, alchohol or crack (which I've never tried, but can't imagine would be helpful in a suicide attempt).

To top it all off, I recently took in a girl that was being abused by her ex partner. Helped her move her house, built her up (her self-confidence was severely lacking due to abuse and other things).
We made love, even though I wasn't attracted to her, as I wanted to be good to her and show her a good time (she has body image issues due to PCOS symptoms).
I went to great lengths to check with her whether or not she was capable of conception, and she assured me, UTTERLY ASSURED me, that she wasn't.
I advised her that I probably wouldn't be around much longer, and that due to my condition I had absolutely no intention of having kids I didn't have the means to or interest in having. Having been abandoned by my own useless father, I didn't think it fair to put a child in the same position.
After explaining all this at length, and stating how vitally important it was that she was being honest, she remained absolutely positive that she couldn't conceive. What she said was COULDN'T, not UNLIKELY.
She seemed like a fairly trustworthy person, so I trusted her on this. I figured there was no way someone could be so callous as to lie about such a thing in this position.
Low and behold merely weeks later, she's pregnant. I nearly hung myself on the way home when I got the news.
Needless to say we don't see each other anymore, and this poor kid is going to have to grow up without a Dad.
In retrospect I think she just lied to and used me to have a kid she always wanted. Isn't that lovely.

Lastly, now that I'm ill my brother treats me like someone not worth knowing, I am alienated by most of my friends, and I despise my Father.
If I had SN I'd probably already be dead by now. But living here in New Zealand it isn't too easy to get hold of.
From the vast amount of study I've done, it seems to be one of the most efficient and humane ways to CTB.

**************************************************

Anyway, If you die from the struggle, that is OK, whatever it takes for you to find peace. But facing death is extremely difficult, so in order to spare you this difficulty, I have to ask: have your disorders been given adequate treatment?
And by "adequate treatment" I don't mean plain vanilla medication or therapy, I mean comprehensive treatment: vitamin deficiency and food allergy tests, psychological retreats, vipassana intensive meditation sessions, etc.
ADHD can often be simply due to deficiencies or allergies. Not always, however.
You owe it to yourself to try everything at your disposal and avoid the horror of death, I reckon. Particularly if you're young enough to have a (possibly) decent future.
I'm so sorry to hear about your Mother. RIP. Mine is barely clinging to life with severe heart disease, diabetes, and chronic pain. I'm actually kinda hoping my death will finish her off to end her suffering.
As this is a recent bereavement for you, might it be prudent to see a professional about this before doing anything drastic? I know you've had depression for a long time, but your perceived guilt (although you shouldn't feel guilty- you didn't know she was going to die when she did) is surely adding to the already recent bereavement of your fiance. These wounds are particularly fresh... perhaps a good deal of support might help you get through this particularly rough patch and into something better?

As for your friends, most people have their heads firmly jammed up their own asses. You have to be the first one to reach out, it's the only way to get what you need and deserve: support. Most people don't reach out because they don't care, they don't because they're so preoccupied with their own shit.
Had I done the same years ago my life might just be vastly better than it is now, and perhaps I might just have avoided having to live through an actual nightmare of mine (leaving a Fatherless child) or being crushed by a train sans even any decent drugs to numb the experience.
Food for thought.

In any case, I wish you all the best, be you here or in the beyond. I may or may not be here to respond, but if I am and it's useful, I will.

-Max.

 

[Lutembëe]

I can't describe how much your words touch me. I am so grateful to have known this forum.

I am still at home, with my ex... We were supposed to go away this weekend together... It would have been so if it wasn't for this morning's breakup.

I am starting to prepare my little notes and steps to take after I leave. I feel so bad about leaving my family behind, but I can't do anything else. I have tried to have a good life, but my health will always get in the way.
I'm stuck on the note I want to send to my mother, I don't know what to say. It will devastate her no matter what I do.

My ex still wants to go away for a weekend alone, if that's the case I'll CTB tomorrow. I'm starting to put together the meds for my comfort. If not I'll get a hotel.

 

[Lutembëe]

what have I done to deserve all this? I destroy everything I build in my relationships. All my exes have left me because of this. I'm terribly unhappy in my life, that's not going to change. I've tried everything to treat my ADHD, even ritalin doesn't help.

This is my only solution to finally being happy, it's torture waiting for this weekend to be alone.

The thought of sleeping in the same flat as my ex tonight is killing me.

 

[TriggerHappy]

My friend, whatever your choice & decision :: you are anything but flippant / ignorant > & so i I have faith u will make the right decision :: I understand your wanting to ctb has always been there, and that you not just doing it because of the break-up...
Know you are not alone //we are with you, & we care...

Do not go gentle into that good night....​

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

what have I done to deserve all this? I destroy everything I build in my relationships. All my exes have left me because of this. I'm terribly unhappy in my life, that's not going to change. I've tried everything to treat my ADHD, even ritalin doesn't help.

This is my only solution to finally being happy, it's torture waiting for this weekend to be alone.

The thought of sleeping in the same flat as my ex tonight is killing me.

Fuck health problems aye. I remember life without all mine; it was fucking blissful in comparison.

How old are you by the way? Just wondering.

And I hear that about the ex thing. That's fucking awkward.
If I were you I'd endeavour to go into the deepest meditation I could manage for the now. One heck of a challenge, however.

We're here for ya either way.

 

[Lutembëe]

Fuck health problems aye. I remember life without all mine; it was fucking blissful in comparison.

How old are you by the way? Just wondering.

And I hear that about the ex thing. That's fucking awkward.
If I were you I'd endeavour to go into the deepest meditation I could manage for the now. One heck of a challenge, however.

We're here for ya either way.

Thank you... That means a lot. I'm 25, young but enough suffering.

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

Thank you... That means a lot. I'm 25, young but enough suffering.

It really does break my heart to think that there aren't other options. You've suffered so much and are still so young :(

How many relationships have you had? Remember there are 7 billion people here (or maybe it's more by now?) Maybe the next one will add to your life. Or the one after that...
I know this forum isn't about preventing suicide. I and everyone else respects your choice.
But my really bad mental health problems started at 24 (although I had depression before then), and I often wonder if maybe I'd tried something else I wouldn't have had such miserable years for the last 6. I leaned into suicide immediately, and since I'm still here, I basically wasted 6 years. Maybe if I'd somehow taken it "off the table" as an option, I'd have managed a better existence.

Maybe try pretending that it doesn't exist as an option? Maybe just keep rearranging parts of your life till you feel at least a little better?
Sorry, I hope I'm not overstepping with these suggestions. Maybe it's just wishful thinking.
But then again maybe you can somehow be happy, even if you have lived in pain for so long. Maybe since life has given you so much pain, it now owes you a favour?

I know you say you've tried everything, but there is oh so much to try in the world...

I'm just being the voice I wish was there for me at 24. If you die you never get the satisfaction of saying FUCK YEAH I WON. After all the misery, you finally find peace here. Imagine it. The sheer, wondrous insanity of it all...
What must be must be, but you might as well pull out every single ounce of strength in you, and use every single resource you can possibly get your hands on, way past the point of what seems possible.

Again, sorry if I overstep. I just hate the idea of someone who has fought so hard dying. Yet this forum is full of them :(

 

[Lutembëe]

It really does break my heart to think that there aren't other options. You've suffered so much and are still so young :(

How many relationships have you had? Remember there are 7 billion people here (or maybe it's more by now?) Maybe the next one will add to your life. Or the one after that...
I know this forum isn't about preventing suicide. I and everyone else respects your choice.
But my really bad mental health problems started at 24 (although I had depression before then), and I often wonder if maybe I'd tried something else I wouldn't have had such miserable years for the last 6. I leaned into suicide immediately, and since I'm still here, I basically wasted 6 years. Maybe if I'd somehow taken it "off the table" as an option, I'd have managed a better existence.

Maybe try pretending that it doesn't exist as an option? Maybe just keep rearranging parts of your life till you feel at least a little better?
Sorry, I hope I'm not overstepping with these suggestions. Maybe it's just wishful thinking.
But then again maybe you can somehow be happy, even if you have lived in pain for so long. Maybe since life has given you so much pain, it now owes you a favour?

I know you say you've tried everything, but there is oh so much to try in the world...

I'm just being the voice I wish was there for me at 24. If you die you never get the satisfaction of saying FUCK YEAH I WON. After all the misery, you finally find peace here. Imagine it. The sheer, wondrous insanity of it all...
What must be must be, but you might as well pull out every single ounce of strength in you, and use every single resource you can possibly get your hands on, way past the point of what seems possible.

Again, sorry if I overstep. I just hate the idea of someone who has fought so hard dying. Yet this forum is full of them :(

My relationship before this one broke my heart terribly, he told me our relationship was toxic and I was making him miserable. He couldn't take care of me anymore.

I had a strong urge to kill myself during that break-up. I took it upon myself to go to the other side of Europe to rebuild my life but my illnesses soon caught up with me...

I know it will be the same here, I was with this ex for five years. He marked me for life, our relationship was fabulous, we were envied.

My ex says there is a breakdown and that he can't stand my mental state anymore.

Thanks anyway for supporting me and showing me other solutions.


----

I can't stand to see him in our flat anymore. I have taken tramadol, tercian, buspiron, theralene and zopiclone to sleep until tomorrow. I hope it kills me in my sleep before SN .

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

My relationship before this one broke my heart terribly, he told me our relationship was toxic and I was making him miserable. He couldn't take care of me anymore.

I had a strong urge to kill myself during that break-up. I took it upon myself to go to the other side of Europe to rebuild my life but my illnesses soon caught up with me...

I know it will be the same here, I was with this ex for five years. He marked me for life, our relationship was fabulous, we were envied.

My ex says there is a breakdown and that he can't stand my mental state anymore.

Thanks anyway for supporting me and showing me other solutions.


----

I can't stand to see him in our flat anymore. I have taken tramadol, tercian, buspiron, theralene and zopiclone to sleep until tomorrow. I hope it kills me in my sleep before SN .

You do deserve someone who can take care of you. You didn't ask for any of this.

You had a fabulous relationship for a time- surely that's something to be greatful for? And if it happened once, lightining could perhaps strike twice, and maybe forever this time?

Nobody can claim someone else makes them miserable. Unfortunately we are all responsible for our own emotions.
Sounds like he had his own problems if you ask me.

Either way good night. I respect your fight and your life. I pray everything works out as it should.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

This is killing me. You're so young and have been through so much already. You just wanted someone in your life to love and support you, yet....

I relate all to well. Especially to that second part. Sometimes we simply cannot get over someone who is so special....I know, my special someone left me for the same reasons. Only thing left now is going to be with my mom again....

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot. I wish you the best with your plans and I hope you find the peace you are looking for and freedom from suffering.

 

[Rational man]

Apologies for the lengthy read. Hopefully it is of some value...

Well this is your decision, and as such you reserve the right to do what you feel you need to. You are the arbiter of your destiny.
However I have to say that I think maybe you dodged a bullet with the fiance; life is hard, marriage is hard... perhaps it was best for you not to be with someone who couldn't handle the reality of your existence. Perhaps you need someone with greater strength who values you enough to take you for who you are, flaws included.
After all, you must possess a huge amount of strength to have made it this far- why shouldn't your fiance be the same?

**********************Disclaimer: this sections contains info about my life**********************

I add the following not to detract from your situation, but to provide some comparison.
Eating disorders are hard. I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder which is an issue in a similar vein. Makes me feel like I'm losing my mind.
I grew up with a rich, narcissistic, drug addicted Dad who abandoned my brother and I financially, and a mother who was ill from a young age.
I have knee injuries from being assaulted in adolescence, dental problems, jaw, neck and shoulder nerve pain in my right arm that makes it near impossible to hold down a job... I have to live with my ill mother (with whom I have relationship problems) in government housing as I can't work anymore.
I have acne which adds to my Body Dysmorphia.
I used to have a marijuana habit which I developed to deal with the PTSD and chronic pain of being assaulted.
I am 30 years old.
I was fighting hard until the nerve pain... now I can barely think, or sleep without the aid of medication that makes me feel like shit.
I feel utterly, hopelessly trapped, and worthless as a human being, which pairs really well with body image problems I've had since I was 15.

Due to extreme poverty my best options for suicide are to jump under a train that runs close to here, or hang myself- both ideas of which I'm not terribly fond. The former due to the possibility of traumatising the train driver, and the latter due to the length of time I have to struggle before I die.
I don't even know anywhere or have the money to get my hands on strong drugs to ease the act such as heroin. All I can get is weed, alchohol or crack (which I've never tried, but can't imagine would be helpful in a suicide attempt).

To top it all off, I recently took in a girl that was being abused by her ex partner. Helped her move her house, built her up (her self-confidence was severely lacking due to abuse and other things).
We made love, even though I wasn't attracted to her, as I wanted to be good to her and show her a good time (she has body image issues due to PCOS symptoms).
I went to great lengths to check with her whether or not she was capable of conception, and she assured me, UTTERLY ASSURED me, that she wasn't.
I advised her that I probably wouldn't be around much longer, and that due to my condition I had absolutely no intention of having kids I didn't have the means to or interest in having. Having been abandoned by my own useless father, I didn't think it fair to put a child in the same position.
After explaining all this at length, and stating how vitally important it was that she was being honest, she remained absolutely positive that she couldn't conceive. What she said was COULDN'T, not UNLIKELY.
She seemed like a fairly trustworthy person, so I trusted her on this. I figured there was no way someone could be so callous as to lie about such a thing in this position.
Low and behold merely weeks later, she's pregnant. I nearly hung myself on the way home when I got the news.
Needless to say we don't see each other anymore, and this poor kid is going to have to grow up without a Dad.
In retrospect I think she just lied to and used me to have a kid she always wanted. Isn't that lovely.

Lastly, now that I'm ill my brother treats me like someone not worth knowing, I am alienated by most of my friends, and I despise my Father.
If I had SN I'd probably already be dead by now. But living here in New Zealand it isn't too easy to get hold of.
From the vast amount of study I've done, it seems to be one of the most efficient and humane ways to CTB.

**************************************************

Anyway, If you die from the struggle, that is OK, whatever it takes for you to find peace. But facing death is extremely difficult, so in order to spare you this difficulty, I have to ask: have your disorders been given adequate treatment?
And by "adequate treatment" I don't mean plain vanilla medication or therapy, I mean comprehensive treatment: vitamin deficiency and food allergy tests, psychological retreats, vipassana intensive meditation sessions, etc.
ADHD can often be simply due to deficiencies or allergies. Not always, however.
You owe it to yourself to try everything at your disposal and avoid the horror of death, I reckon. Particularly if you're young enough to have a (possibly) decent future.
I'm so sorry to hear about your Mother. RIP. Mine is barely clinging to life with severe heart disease, diabetes, and chronic pain. I'm actually kinda hoping my death will finish her off to end her suffering.
As this is a recent bereavement for you, might it be prudent to see a professional about this before doing anything drastic? I know you've had depression for a long time, but your perceived guilt (although you shouldn't feel guilty- you didn't know she was going to die when she did) is surely adding to the already recent bereavement of your fiance. These wounds are particularly fresh... perhaps a good deal of support might help you get through this particularly rough patch and into something better?

As for your friends, most people have their heads firmly jammed up their own asses. You have to be the first one to reach out, it's the only way to get what you need and deserve: support. Most people don't reach out because they don't care, they don't because they're so preoccupied with their own shit.
Had I done the same years ago my life might just be vastly better than it is now, and perhaps I might just have avoided having to live through an actual nightmare of mine (leaving a Fatherless child) or being crushed by a train sans even any decent drugs to numb the experience.
Food for thought.

In any case, I wish you all the best, be you here or in the beyond. I may or may not be here to respond, but if I am and it's useful, I will.

-Max.

I.feel.your pain.

 

[Lutembëe]

Thank you all for your kind words, just woke up after 13 hours of sleeping. The reality hit my face once I woke up, that's too much for me to handle. He slept just right next to me.
Took other pills to go back to sleep, hopefully he won't be there this weekend so I can CTB.

My mom sent me a text while I was asleep. She received the gifts I bought to her. I'm so glad she will have some souvenirs once I'm not here anymore. I'm so so sorry mom.

 

[haibiantou]

You're so kind to think of your mum and I'm glad she likes the gifts you sent her.

I'm sorry that it was so difficult sleeping next to your ex, and I hope that you can have some peace and alone time from him soon. Please feel free to continue to update us on your plans this weekend - we are here to listen and support you until the end. You are not alone in this

 

[supermario]

You are a beautiful soul lutembee and should know that no matter what happens, you are loved, as much by people here on the forums as in your real life. We just got acquainted, but already I CARE about you and would help you out however I can. Should you decide to stay and need ANY kind of support, just reach out here, and myself and so many others will be there for you.

 

[marinekiwi]

Best of wishes from us all, lutembee
You are loved

 

[Lutembëe]

Thank you all, it means a lot.

I am totally empty of emotions, I can't think.I can't CTB this weekend, I'm going to do it in a hotel. Even if it's over between us I don't want to impose my sodium nitrite poisoned body on him. And then I have to test it first, I don't want to miss it and suffer even more.

I've been watching documentaries about suicide all day. I tell myself that everyone has to die one day, I might as well choose the day and the method. The world, and my country, are falling apart so what's the point of going on living.

I'm really afraid I'll miss or that the effects and suffering will last longer than 10 minutes. I made an appointment with a doctor on Monday to get more sleeping pills, antacid and an anti-vomiting agent to help me.

It's evening here, and it's an eternal restart. I'm going to take some pills to sleep and get anaesthetized.

My life is nothing but boredom, I have nothing, I have no one. Everyone told me that I would find meaning in my life once I was an adult, but that's not the case at all.

I'm thinking of leaving without a note, except for contact details, my ex and family will know why anyway.

It's funny, my mum's ex said to her a few years ago "you need to prepare, I think your daughter will kill herself one day". Well, he was right.

 

[marinekiwi]

If you accept any suggestion, i'd say not to ctb until you're 100% sure of your decision. You're now distressed about a recent breakup, and your judgement may be not really taking into account the whole picture. Please take a week to see if the pain subsides a bit.

Also, if you're going to test the SN, don't do it on yourself. It is a very powerful poison, and people have got very sick or even dead by just tasting the stuff.
Do the blood test as described or purchase one of those aquarium test vials.

Any path you decide to take, we'll be there with you. I know the pain of a breakup is agonizing, but it's something that will subside after a few weeks at most. Please take your time to consider your options and don't ctb on impulse.

I'm sorry you're suffering this much, and hope the best for you.

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

If you accept any suggestion, i'd say not to ctb until you're 100% sure of your decision. You're now distressed about a recent breakup, and your judgement may be not really taking into account the whole picture. Please take a week to see if the pain subsides a bit.

Also, if you're going to test the SN, don't do it on yourself. It is a very powerful poison, and people have got very sick or even dead by just tasting the stuff.
Do the blood test as described or purchase one of those aquarium test vials.

Any path you decide to take, we'll be there with you. I know the pain of a breakup is agonizing, but it's something that will subside after a few weeks at most. Please take your time to consider your options and don't ctb on impulse.

I'm sorry you're suffering this much, and hope the best for you.

I can't help but second this. I'm considering ending my life soon, but only due to health problems that have lowered my quality of life to the point that I can't do any of the things that made life meaningful anymore.

So if the break up is a big factor in the equation, I'd say that no matter how much it hurts, CTB due to this is a mistake.
Relationships are but a transient part of life, but death is forever.
To put it into perspective, I lost a relationship of 3 years (due to my mental illness) and even though I loved her I didn't even consider CTB, as it absolutely paled in comparison to the health problems I face that I've had for many years that have taken almost everything from me.
Relationships come and go, and no matter how many failed ones a person has had, there's always a possibility of having good ones in future. Reaction is everything, absolutely everything. The sooner a person accepts the loss, the sooner they can move on, possibly to the person they're meant to be with.
Staying trapped in grief prevents the progress toward this person (although a time to grieve is necessary).

The author has said she's had loads of other problems too though. But yeah I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiment on the matter.

 

[haibiantou]

@Lutembëe how are you this week?

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

@Lutembëe how are you this week?

I too am curious.