Venting it's so scary to take the next step to ctb.

[apgpfk]

i want to ctb so fucking bad. i feel so numb. perhaps it's because i'm finishing my exams (uni student moment) and studying makes me forget about my entire life that makes me feel so numb. i have one tomorrow morning at 8:30am and i feel like i've lost my mind already. but the thing is, through all of my impulsive attempts to ctb, i felt so scared that my existence will cease to exist and that what awaits me is a black void. it makes me so confused because i thought that's what i wanted. to be gone forever. it's what's comforted me for the past months.

i just can't do it. it's so hard. i'm so scared of potential pain or suffering i might go through. i'm scared to commit to it and then regret last second when it's too late to change my mind. everything is so overwhelming and tiring. i want it to end but i'm not brave enough to end it myself.

i can't help but want to see my family and friends (even the ones who betrayed me) one more time. i want to go to the upcoming convention. i want to see miku expo in april. but everything is so tiring i feel like i'll never make it there before another impulsive attempt that actually goes through. i've set a date for myself (feb 14) and i want to push it back but if i do, i feel like i'm a fake. i feel like i need to prove that i'm suicidal to myself sometimes. like i'm just doing it for attention unless proven otherwise. it's so pathetic that i can't even be confident in anything, even being suidical. i just want it to end holy shit.

 

[thedevilwithin]

i feel you. suicidal or not, i believe every human has the natural tendency of fearing this. the act itself is difficult. i want nothing more than to disappear or better yet i simply wish i wasn't born. i do wish things were different because i would like to live, i just can't. i want this shit to end. i'm sorry about the things you go through. from one stranger to another, i see you & love you

 

[Adûnâi]

i'm finishing my exams (uni student moment)

Won't you have a surge of self-esteem upon getting them done? Yesterday, I pushed through my final assignment... Because I thought if I kill myself instead, I might snap and try to bother the girl who ghosted me - and that would be impolite, so that gave me an inspiration, because I want to be polite (wherever it matters).

So I might have another 7 months of life, even though I have still ordered my SN today! And no call necessary, did it via a text chat after I didn't pick up my phone.

I felt really nice when having a flu, much less depression, so that's similar.

i've set a date for myself (feb 14) and i want to push it back but if i do, i feel like i'm a fake.

Well, you're always true to yourself by definition, and what others may think is irrelevant. The girl I mentioned told me in July before ghosting me about February as well, but then I saw her messages in November being hyped about Dragon's Dogma 2 and it made me so happy... Even though she'll never know.

Apologies if this qualifies as derailing the thread. I guess, writing something is better than just giving a reaction emoji.

 

[Mea Culpa]

As someone who as been trying since october, its heartbreaking. Everything being ready, you think you're ready, then you try... then stop because of fear or SI. I hate it so much, it's a cruel fate. People who have no idea say it's so easy, but they truly have no idea how hard it is in that moment.

I feel fake as well when I attempt and I'm still here. Like I'm telling people the dates and all that, then I come back the next day, showing I'm here. Still.

Wanting to see the people you love, the failures, the fear, the one last things... ots all so hard and such a heavy weight for us all to bare. I hope you're able to find your path, and I hope it gives you happiness. No one should have to suffer so much.

 

[Endoflifecomestoall]

i want to ctb so fucking bad. i feel so numb. perhaps it's because i'm finishing my exams (uni student moment) and studying makes me forget about my entire life that makes me feel so numb. i have one tomorrow morning at 8:30am and i feel like i've lost my mind already. but the thing is, through all of my impulsive attempts to ctb, i felt so scared that my existence will cease to exist and that what awaits me is a black void. it makes me so confused because i thought that's what i wanted. to be gone forever. it's what's comforted me for the past months.

i just can't do it. it's so hard. i'm so scared of potential pain or suffering i might go through. i'm scared to commit to it and then regret last second when it's too late to change my mind. everything is so overwhelming and tiring. i want it to end but i'm not brave enough to end it myself.

i can't help but want to see my family and friends (even the ones who betrayed me) one more time. i want to go to the upcoming convention. i want to see miku expo in april. but everything is so tiring i feel like i'll never make it there before another impulsive attempt that actually goes through. i've set a date for myself (feb 14) and i want to push it back but if i do, i feel like i'm a fake. i feel like i need to prove that i'm suicidal to myself sometimes. like i'm just doing it for attention unless proven otherwise. it's so pathetic that i can't even be confident in anything, even being suidical. i just want it to end holy shit.

I know what you mean. I have a neurological condition so the I've seen the end and it is like ahorr9r movie. Doesn't make it easier though

 

[apgpfk]

Won't you have a surge of self-esteem upon getting them done? Yesterday, I pushed through my final assignment... Because I thought if I kill myself instead, I might snap and try to bother the girl who ghosted me - and that would be impolite, so that gave me an inspiration, because I want to be polite (wherever it matters).

So I might have another 7 months of life, even though I have still ordered my SN today! And no call necessary, did it via a text chat after I didn't pick up my phone.

I felt really nice when having a flu, much less depression, so that's similar.


Well, you're always true to yourself by definition, and what others may think is irrelevant. The girl I mentioned told me in July before ghosting me about February as well, but then I saw her messages in November being hyped about Dragon's Dogma 2 and it made me so happy... Even though she'll never know.

Apologies if this qualifies as derailing the thread. I guess, writing something is better than just giving a reaction emoji.

dw i appreciate your perspective. i really hope things get better from here on out. i'm all for recovery, it's just that sometimes i feel like it's not a feasible option for me anymore

i agree that writing something is better than emoji reaction. it really feels like someone is there listening and hearing me. really apprexiate it man

 

[IHurtTheOneILove]

i want to ctb so fucking bad. i feel so numb. perhaps it's because i'm finishing my exams (uni student moment) and studying makes me forget about my entire life that makes me feel so numb. i have one tomorrow morning at 8:30am and i feel like i've lost my mind already. but the thing is, through all of my impulsive attempts to ctb, i felt so scared that my existence will cease to exist and that what awaits me is a black void. it makes me so confused because i thought that's what i wanted. to be gone forever. it's what's comforted me for the past months.

i just can't do it. it's so hard. i'm so scared of potential pain or suffering i might go through. i'm scared to commit to it and then regret last second when it's too late to change my mind. everything is so overwhelming and tiring. i want it to end but i'm not brave enough to end it myself.

i can't help but want to see my family and friends (even the ones who betrayed me) one more time. i want to go to the upcoming convention. i want to see miku expo in april. but everything is so tiring i feel like i'll never make it there before another impulsive attempt that actually goes through. i've set a date for myself (feb 14) and i want to push it back but if i do, i feel like i'm a fake. i feel like i need to prove that i'm suicidal to myself sometimes. like i'm just doing it for attention unless proven otherwise. it's so pathetic that i can't even be confident in anything, even being suidical. i just want it to end holy shit.

I suffer from the exact same issues. Specifically, the need to prove I'm suicidal to myself. I've already tried to CTB... 4 times. But in my head, I'm a pathetic fraud unless I go through with it. I believe it's our brains playing tricks on us. Our suicidal tendencies aren't invalid because we don't go through with it. It just means its not our time to go yet. Wishing you well

 

[apgpfk]

I suffer from the exact same issues. Specifically, the need to prove I'm suicidal to myself. I've already tried to CTB... 4 times. But in my head, I'm a pathetic fraud unless I go through with it. I believe it's our brains playing tricks on us. Our suicidal tendencies aren't invalid because we don't go through with it. It just means its not our time to go yet. Wishing you well

i'm glad to hear that i'm not alone in this
if it's not my time to go yet, then i really hope it's soon. i can't stand another day in this world
wishing u the best as well ♡

 

[Jolene79]

I know what you mean. I have a neurological condition so the I've seen the end and it is like ahorr9r movie. Doesn't make it easier though

Yes I understand this. I'm living in an absolute horror and I have no escape. It doesn't make this any easier. There are no easy ways. I don't know how people see it through