its so difficult

[Suicidal Ideation]

i wish someone would acknowledge how hard i try

 

[sincerely dead]

I understand the feeling far too much. It's always people who are so quick to stop us from feeling suicidal that do not give us enough credit for the amount of effort we have to put in just to stay here. I just want to say I see you and I hear you! And I'd like to acknowledge that you are out here fighting even when it is so difficult!

 

[lamentos]

A few years ago I went on a vacation with my family. It was actually a lovely week of beach, sea and sun, but it was also a week full of talking to myself about what I was going to do with my life. Yes, I guess I was 13 or 14 at the time and it was a common thing to think and talk about, at least among my friends. What does that have to do with me, you might ask? I have a crystal clear memory of fish literally swimming upstream. I don't know what kind of fish they were, but when I talked to my therapist about it, what he said changed my view of life, not completely, but at least it changed some of my expectations: "What if you've been waiting all these years for something impossible?" He was absolutely right. People value results, not effort and time. If you don't get results, it doesn't matter for them how much effort you spend. And there was a sub-meaning to be understood from his sentence: Even he, as my therapist, probably didn't care about my efforts. He wanted results like everybody else. But at least he appreciated the little improvements I had made so far. Now I think what I needed was not a therapist, but someone who cared about my efforts. But since there is no such person, I have to find a way to thank myself for my own existence.
Sorry if that sounded like pro-life or if I'm in the wrong part of the forum to talk this way. I'm not trying to save anybody.