Its over

[gonegirl405]

Hi guys its me again. Its been quite a while, ive been trying to figure out my life you know. I was hopeful, I was faithful regardless of all the shit that ive been through and im still going through. I wanted to help people not feel as fucked up as I do, I wanted to be a change and do something good for once in my life. I wanted to feel appreciated I wanted to feel like I mattered and like i could do what i put my mind too and prove to others that I wasnt a piece of shit and it fucking failed. I failed. I tried saving myself because I had no one on my side and everyone around me was suffering and I failed. im in mental agony every single day of my life and I wake up everyday scared of what traumatic event thats gonna happen to me that day I dont even want to sleep at night because I know I'll see the next day quicker and im so scared of everything thats gonna happen. And I tried to be positive and apply for colleges and I waited so patiently and I prayed and I prayed and begged God please let me get accepted thats the only way ill get out of my misery of this house thats the only way ill live and I fucking failed. I cant get out here im stuck I have to die no matter what I do I cant survive I cant theres nothing for me in world like its never on my side I have no one and I try by myself and I still fail I cany even depend on myself. And I cant kill myself because its so much pain and im scared of it all but I cant live this down I dont wanna do I cant do it. I cant die and I cant I neeed to die