deadbeatpoet
The Figless
- Jun 27, 2025
- 12
I had planned to throw a party at a local spot but cancelled it yesterday out of dread and anxiety. I told everyone I was sick. I have called off of work all week because, although I have been a bit sick lately, my anxiety has been crippling. A friend tried to take me to dinner today and we drove an hour and I couldn't get out of the car. We drove back in silence.
I told my therapist again yesterday how horribly anxious I've been. Lately it's been difficult even going to the grocery store again, and I often have panic attacks once or more a day. Out and at home in anticipation of leaving or talking to people. It's almost as bad as before again. My health has been getting worse again but all of my tests keep coming back fine. I tend to only leave the house to go to work and classes, other mandatory obligations. Everything else I cancel or postpone.
I told my therapist I wish I could live by myself, work from home, have all my things delivered. Never see anyone again. Never leave my house. Just write and edit and submit and stare at the screen. I told her I didn't want to be observed anymore and she asked if I meant judged. The party was to say goodbye, I think.
I bought a cake anyways. I blew out the candles by myself. I wished I could die by the end of the year. I won't tell anyone else what I wished for. I spent today disappearing, alone.
I told my therapist again yesterday how horribly anxious I've been. Lately it's been difficult even going to the grocery store again, and I often have panic attacks once or more a day. Out and at home in anticipation of leaving or talking to people. It's almost as bad as before again. My health has been getting worse again but all of my tests keep coming back fine. I tend to only leave the house to go to work and classes, other mandatory obligations. Everything else I cancel or postpone.
I told my therapist I wish I could live by myself, work from home, have all my things delivered. Never see anyone again. Never leave my house. Just write and edit and submit and stare at the screen. I told her I didn't want to be observed anymore and she asked if I meant judged. The party was to say goodbye, I think.
I bought a cake anyways. I blew out the candles by myself. I wished I could die by the end of the year. I won't tell anyone else what I wished for. I spent today disappearing, alone.
Happy birthday! 
