It's getting..... Harder to want to live anymore.
I just feel that if I'd have been dead, I wouldn't have hurt anyone. I don't know for sure if I have, but I think I have. I have always been a little egotistical idiot (ig, they said I haven't but ig they're lying. Are they? I don't know.) I can't spend too much time without talking to someone as well.... It just hurts. My chest begins to feel a bit heavy, is that what loneliness is? I have friends, but I don't know if I'm just the "convenient" dude or actually their friend.
My parents argue all the time. Life has been rough on them, and well they have reasons for arguing, I understand.... I wish I could stop their arguing. Deep down I know they love each other (I guess? Again, I really don't know anymore) I wish I'd have enough understanding and wisdom to stop them, to fix whatever causes them to argue.
I wish I could have friends. I wish I could trust people. I wish I could solve my parents' issues. But these are all just pipe dreams. I hate how much reassurance I need. It's so difficult now to stop thinking how everyone should leave me, hell they should. They probably want to anyways.... Do they? I can never be sure. It feels so lonely. My thighs hurt now, they look like barcodes (lol).
It's interesting how the blood coagulates down underneath a cut and leaves this dark mark...... I've got relatively fair skin so the end result is like a barcode! I wonder what it says. Sometimes all I want is a hug. I've tried drowning myself recently, didn't work (obviously), and SN is unavailable. Don't have a sturdy enough place to hang myself, guns are illegal, decapitation is messy, and the rest are too expensive.
I really don't think my...... Friends, or anyone really, would care if I died. They probably hate me anyways. I just wanted to spend time with them...... So I had a bit of a spending habit on them, blew some of my scholarship on them too. Then I found out that apparently treating people too much is offensive! (Lol) I guess they wouldn't like my smartass behavior too. I like pranking them and joking on them (and myself) too, so I suppose they'd hate that.
They'd..... Forgive me if I died, wouldn't they? Would they be happy? Relieved? I just want to see them happy..... I don't even really care about my own happiness. I can't be happy. I'll always either misunderstand or overthink Or just be plain retarded. (I have difficulty communicating and being social, so I suppose I come off as a jerk. On the contrary, I don't know what to say, when to say, or how to say.)
I suppose my parents woulds be a bit sad. But it should be forgotten soon enough, right? No one would like to remember me. None of the other 5 human specimens would, I'm sure.
I don't know anymore. It hurts and I want out. I suck and they shouldn't have to deal with me. I hope I'll be forgiven by both them and God, but it's okay.
Just in case, where should I write my suicide note? Guess the cops will find out about this site should I actually CTB. Should I write it here, in case I actually do it (I'm a bloody madman, ik. But writing it on paper is overrated).
I just feel that if I'd have been dead, I wouldn't have hurt anyone. I don't know for sure if I have, but I think I have. I have always been a little egotistical idiot (ig, they said I haven't but ig they're lying. Are they? I don't know.) I can't spend too much time without talking to someone as well.... It just hurts. My chest begins to feel a bit heavy, is that what loneliness is? I have friends, but I don't know if I'm just the "convenient" dude or actually their friend.
My parents argue all the time. Life has been rough on them, and well they have reasons for arguing, I understand.... I wish I could stop their arguing. Deep down I know they love each other (I guess? Again, I really don't know anymore) I wish I'd have enough understanding and wisdom to stop them, to fix whatever causes them to argue.
I wish I could have friends. I wish I could trust people. I wish I could solve my parents' issues. But these are all just pipe dreams. I hate how much reassurance I need. It's so difficult now to stop thinking how everyone should leave me, hell they should. They probably want to anyways.... Do they? I can never be sure. It feels so lonely. My thighs hurt now, they look like barcodes (lol).
It's interesting how the blood coagulates down underneath a cut and leaves this dark mark...... I've got relatively fair skin so the end result is like a barcode! I wonder what it says. Sometimes all I want is a hug. I've tried drowning myself recently, didn't work (obviously), and SN is unavailable. Don't have a sturdy enough place to hang myself, guns are illegal, decapitation is messy, and the rest are too expensive.
I really don't think my...... Friends, or anyone really, would care if I died. They probably hate me anyways. I just wanted to spend time with them...... So I had a bit of a spending habit on them, blew some of my scholarship on them too. Then I found out that apparently treating people too much is offensive! (Lol) I guess they wouldn't like my smartass behavior too. I like pranking them and joking on them (and myself) too, so I suppose they'd hate that.
They'd..... Forgive me if I died, wouldn't they? Would they be happy? Relieved? I just want to see them happy..... I don't even really care about my own happiness. I can't be happy. I'll always either misunderstand or overthink Or just be plain retarded. (I have difficulty communicating and being social, so I suppose I come off as a jerk. On the contrary, I don't know what to say, when to say, or how to say.)
I suppose my parents woulds be a bit sad. But it should be forgotten soon enough, right? No one would like to remember me. None of the other 5 human specimens would, I'm sure.
I don't know anymore. It hurts and I want out. I suck and they shouldn't have to deal with me. I hope I'll be forgiven by both them and God, but it's okay.
Just in case, where should I write my suicide note? Guess the cops will find out about this site should I actually CTB. Should I write it here, in case I actually do it (I'm a bloody madman, ik. But writing it on paper is overrated).
