vapid
screaming
- Apr 2, 2024
- 4
for over a year, i was doing so so so well. i had very little issues and not a single suicidal thought or urges to self harm. but lately it all just kinda hit me again. and the thing is if i finally was better for a whole entire year and it's just coming back again there really is no point is there?
i'm upset because i'm really disappointed in myself for some reason? like i know i can't really control it, it's not like i'm doing this on purpose. but i got so much praise from my mommy and it seemed like she was finally proud of me and finally loved me, really loved me. and i can tell lately that the way she treats me has changed. it's back to how it was before. granted, i am quite bitchy when i'm depressed, but i don't mean to be and it really makes me feel... bad. sad, angry, embarrassed, dizzy, nauseous... pretty much any negative adjective could be used to describe how i'm feeling lately.
my ed relapsed too, and she was talking to me the other day and apparently my brothers "think i'm anorexic" and that "it's a problem" but mom said that i "can't be anorexic because i'm overweight". my mom was an english major in college and so i put that period AFTER the end quote just to spite her. of course i didn't tell her "actually mom i'm starving myself! you just can't tell because i've been binging for like 2 years straight."
i'm 19 years old and i can't get a job. i had one when i was 16, but i had bad panic attacks every single day and i had to quit after two weeks. i was so anxious that i was nauseous 24/7 and i couldn't eat or talk or sleep or do anything else. and last month i had a job that my older brother helped me get. this time, i was actually doing pretty good. i think i only cried during two shifts, but both times i was able to sort myself out rather quickly. i had worked 4 shifts before i got fired because my manager made up a lie about me, but at this point i do not have the energy to even fight it.
i have no energy. i have to take naps every day for like two hours, i can barely message people back on my cell phone even though i'm already on it all the time because what else am i supposed to do with my life?
i have a few pet sitting jobs set up right now, and they actually pay pretty well and i love pet sitting because i get paid to play with dogs it's awesome. but then i remember that even though it pays enough for me to buy myself some snacks at walmart or a new shirt, it does not pay enough for me to live off of. no job that i can handle working will.
when i was 18 i applied for SSI benefits because i can't get a normal job. thinking about it gives me so much anxiety i could puke. but i got denied of course because the american government doesn't actually care about us. obviously. pfff i should've known.
things were finally looking up for me, and then i lost it all. i can't do this anymore, but i'm too lazy and scared to kill myself. there's nothing else to do but rot in bed until my mom gets even more sick of it than she already is and kicks me out and i have to sleep on the side of the road and i'll probably starve to death (i wouldn't mind), or maybe i'll end up selling my body because maybe i can't work at a restaurant but i have boobs and a vagina, and then some serial killer who targets prostitutes and addicts and the "lowest" of society will find me and kill me brutally (i actually would mind that though. if you're gonna murder me, please be gentle at least).
anyway. i'm gonna go take 8 laxative pills and 5 diphenhydramine so i fall asleep fast tonight instead of staring at my phone until 4 am. goodnight
i'm upset because i'm really disappointed in myself for some reason? like i know i can't really control it, it's not like i'm doing this on purpose. but i got so much praise from my mommy and it seemed like she was finally proud of me and finally loved me, really loved me. and i can tell lately that the way she treats me has changed. it's back to how it was before. granted, i am quite bitchy when i'm depressed, but i don't mean to be and it really makes me feel... bad. sad, angry, embarrassed, dizzy, nauseous... pretty much any negative adjective could be used to describe how i'm feeling lately.
my ed relapsed too, and she was talking to me the other day and apparently my brothers "think i'm anorexic" and that "it's a problem" but mom said that i "can't be anorexic because i'm overweight". my mom was an english major in college and so i put that period AFTER the end quote just to spite her. of course i didn't tell her "actually mom i'm starving myself! you just can't tell because i've been binging for like 2 years straight."
i'm 19 years old and i can't get a job. i had one when i was 16, but i had bad panic attacks every single day and i had to quit after two weeks. i was so anxious that i was nauseous 24/7 and i couldn't eat or talk or sleep or do anything else. and last month i had a job that my older brother helped me get. this time, i was actually doing pretty good. i think i only cried during two shifts, but both times i was able to sort myself out rather quickly. i had worked 4 shifts before i got fired because my manager made up a lie about me, but at this point i do not have the energy to even fight it.
i have no energy. i have to take naps every day for like two hours, i can barely message people back on my cell phone even though i'm already on it all the time because what else am i supposed to do with my life?
i have a few pet sitting jobs set up right now, and they actually pay pretty well and i love pet sitting because i get paid to play with dogs it's awesome. but then i remember that even though it pays enough for me to buy myself some snacks at walmart or a new shirt, it does not pay enough for me to live off of. no job that i can handle working will.
when i was 18 i applied for SSI benefits because i can't get a normal job. thinking about it gives me so much anxiety i could puke. but i got denied of course because the american government doesn't actually care about us. obviously. pfff i should've known.
things were finally looking up for me, and then i lost it all. i can't do this anymore, but i'm too lazy and scared to kill myself. there's nothing else to do but rot in bed until my mom gets even more sick of it than she already is and kicks me out and i have to sleep on the side of the road and i'll probably starve to death (i wouldn't mind), or maybe i'll end up selling my body because maybe i can't work at a restaurant but i have boobs and a vagina, and then some serial killer who targets prostitutes and addicts and the "lowest" of society will find me and kill me brutally (i actually would mind that though. if you're gonna murder me, please be gentle at least).
anyway. i'm gonna go take 8 laxative pills and 5 diphenhydramine so i fall asleep fast tonight instead of staring at my phone until 4 am. goodnight
