It's for me i guess

[Sadkitty]

I never thought I'd be here. I never thought my life would be what it is. I know so many of us can say this.
I've had some losses. Not like a lot of people. I've had some trauma. Not like a lot of people. But I know this isn't a competition.
I've struggled with depression my whole life. But the thought of suicide wasn't something I entertained until 3 years ago. Ironically, my life was better then when I made my first attempt. With each attempt, I become more fearful. And I'm trying to figure this out because I need to move on. So to speak.
I've lost all of my money, 7 months til it's absolutely gone. But that's a long story. I've lost my friends. I've lost my looks, what little I had. I've lost my job. I've lost my sense of adventure. I've lost my sense of self. I've lost what I feel I had to give. I've lost my purpose. I've lost my joy.
Without purpose and joy, what is life? I have made lists of the things that will absolutely happen in the future. The death of my mom, maybe my sister. The death of my cats. Aging and all of the physical pain and loneliness it brings. These things will happen without a doubt. I tried to make a list of good things that will happen. I could find none.
In my nearly 2 decades in the health care profession, the advice I got the most was "don't get old". I always thought people said that because they were in pain. But recently I realized it's more than that. It's about control. Losing it. Losing control of your health and youth. Losing control of your body and having it fight against you. Losing control of your money and the little day to day activities you can't do for yourself. Losing control of your life. Watching all you loved die and disappear. Slowly watching it all fade to nothingness. Waiting to die. I saw so much pain in their eyes when they would say this to me. And now I think I understand why.
I suppose it's possible I could find a doctor, get on meds again, maybe go back to work. Even though that's where I was a year ago. But all I can hope for is to function again. My money troubles would prevent me from doing anything I used to enjoy, if I even enjoy it anymore.
It seems so pointless to work so hard to get back where I was, barely living, only to stay alive to see so much more loss. I'm so fragile and would be so easily devastated. Destroyed. It would all fall apart so easily again.
Losing the part of me that was able to help and heal. To lose who I was and can never be. These losses are just too much. I have nothing more to offer but being a burden and that is never how I'd want to live. I've always taken care of myself. I don't like asking for help. No one can give me back what I had anyway.
I hope I can overcome this last roadblock in my mind. Something I need to come to terms with yet. But I hope it's soon. Life is quickly catching up with full force. This place has been a welcome distraction and source of support. I know not many, if any, will read this. Maybe I just needed it for me.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I'm sorry for what you are going though. I hope writing this has helped you and you find a way through whatever way that may be

 

[Sadkitty]

I'm sorry for what you are going though. I hope writing this has helped you and you find a way through whatever way that may be

Thank you. I'm still working on it. :)

 

[Sadkitty]

This song better explains how I feel

 

[Brackenshire]

Holding out hope for you friend

 

[Morphosis]

Wow. I can identify with a lot of what you wrote. Over 20 years as a nurse and last year lost everything, partner, home, job, animals, money, health due to chronic illness, my sense of self. Have made serious attempts to ctb and I'm like the bloody bionic woman who can't die.
I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time, for what it's worth sending you a hug from someone who truly gets it

 

[Sadkitty]

Wow. I can identify with a lot of what you wrote. Over 20 years as a nurse and last year lost everything, partner, home, job, animals, money, health due to chronic illness, my sense of self. Have made serious attempts to ctb and I'm like the bloody bionic woman who can't die.
I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time, for what it's worth sending you a hug from someone who truly gets it

That means a lot that you understand. I am so sorry you've lost so much. I still have enough money for a few months and my kitties are by my side. I too feel I should have died with my last 2 attempts. Then I found this place. I appreciate your words and your experience. Wishing you the best with what you want.

 

[Skyview]

@Sadkitty , I understand your concerns and you have always been an independent person , standing on your own two feet and you are someone who has always been there for others who need help .
It saddens me to read your post because you express a reality which many others experience , growing old in today's world by my own definition is mid forties and upwards . Once we were carefree and lived life and now as we age we ponder our future and our health , where will we be in five or ten years time in regards to having a life or just surviving waiting for the inevitable. If it's just a case of survival I think that would be soul destroying and that's my own viewpoint.

People who know me say my worst trait is being " too damn independent " , and my reply is " we are who we are " . It's MY life and I can make my own decisions without interference as to wether I leave this planet on my own accord or to wither away and hope death comes swiftly , definitely not the latter !

If you can turn your life around Sadkitty , I wish nothing but the best for you and at the same time completely understand if you choose to go a different route .
Take care of yourself

 

[Sadkitty]

@Sadkitty , I understand your concerns and you have always been an independent person , standing on your own two feet and you are someone who has always been there for others who need help .
It saddens me to read your post because you express a reality which many others experience , growing old in today's world by my own definition is mid forties and upwards . Once we were carefree and lived life and now as we age we ponder our future and our health , where will we be in five or ten years time in regards to having a life or just surviving waiting for the inevitable. If it's just a case of survival I think that would be soul destroying and that's my own viewpoint.

People who know me say my worst trait is being " too damn independent " , and my reply is " we are who we are " . It's MY life and I can make my own decisions without interference as to wether I leave this planet on my own accord or to wither away and hope death comes swiftly , definitely not the latter !

If you can turn your life around Sadkitty , I wish nothing but the best for you and at the same time completely understand if you choose to go a different route .
Take care of yourself

Thank you so much for your kind words. It helps to know my thoughts are shared by others. Take care of yourself too

 

[lovehate22]

if it means anything , something you have to offer to the world, is being able to touch people with your words , because I felt this .

 

[Sadkitty]

if it means anything , something you have to offer to the world, is being able to touch people with your words , because I felt this .

Your response brings tears to my eyes, I'm not joking. I usually feel so overlooked and ignored. When someone listens and actually agrees, I do feel a bit better. Thank you very much for this.

 

[disconnection]

Hey, I'm in a similar place - lost everything last year following the worst depression I've ever experienced then a horrific manic/psychotic episode. Bf, job, home, friends, interests, all gone. And I'd been working in healthcare for about 10 years before that. Now having to rely on family for a roof over my head (was that or supported housing which I knew would leave me stuck for sure) and I hate what I've become, which is just an empty shell and so utterly dependent. Beyond the functional living stuff I have no concept of who I am at all. To be honest though, I think the times when I have been happy have always been tenuous. I really feel for you. I have money at the moment too but the future looks seriously bleak. Trying to decide whether I'll attempt to keep going or not... I have what *may* be SN now - still to test. The result of that will probably determine the outcome to be honest. I can't do violent methods.

if it means anything , something you have to offer to the world, is being able to touch people with your words , because I felt this .

And yes, I totally agree with this! You're very expressive.
P.S. I've always loved that song too.

 

[Sadkitty]

Hey, I'm in a similar place - lost everything last year following the worst depression I've ever experienced then a horrific manic/psychotic episode. Bf, job, home, friends, interests, all gone. And I'd been working in healthcare for about 10 years before that. Now having to rely on family for a roof over my head (was that or supported housing which I knew would leave me stuck for sure) and I hate what I've become, which is just an empty shell and so utterly dependent. Beyond the functional living stuff I have no concept of who I am at all. To be honest though, I think the times when I have been happy have always been tenuous. I really feel for you. I have money at the moment too but the future looks seriously bleak. Trying to decide whether I'll attempt to keep going or not... I have what *may* be SN now - still to test. The result of that will probably determine the outcome to be honest. I can't do violent methods.

And yes, I totally agree with this! You're very expressive.
P.S. I've always loved that song too.

I'm so sorry that you're in the same boat as me, or at least in the same harbor. I truly wonder if anyone comes back from this? I have a friend that lost it all and seems ok but I really don't know how much she struggles. And she's no where near where she used to be in life.
I think of all that would need to happen for me to feel better. But like you said, even "happy " times seem to be accompanied by a lurking shadow, ready to overtake the light.
I've had my SN for weeks now. Still trying to work up the nerve. I hope that you find something that turns things around. I don't want anyone to feel like this. But I'm realistic and wish you the best no matter your choice.
And which song btw? The owth or death cab?

 

[disconnection]

Thank you so much for your lovely words. Yes, I think when everything's always been a proper struggle the concept of rebuilding it all over again just seems utterly unrealistic and also not worth the effort, sadly... That said, you sound a little torn too in your OP. I think even when we're confronted with the stark reality of our situations there's always that little inkling which says 'maybe it could be different'. I, too, hope that you might be able to find a way through but if it truly feels impossible then I hope you can make peace with your decision. Its so hard isn't it. Thank goodness for this place and being able to talk it all out.

Death cab - didn't see the other one there, how strange.

 

[Sadkitty]

Thank you so much for your lovely words. Yes, I think when everything's always been a proper struggle the concept of rebuilding it all over again just seems utterly unrealistic and also not worth the effort, sadly... That said, you sound a little torn too in your OP. I think even when we're confronted with the stark reality of our situations there's always that little inkling which says 'maybe it could be different'. I, too, hope that you might be able to find a way through but if it truly feels impossible then I hope you can make peace with your decision. Its so hard isn't it. Thank goodness for this place and being able to talk it all out.

Death cab - didn't see the other one there, how strange.

The decision to go seems so rational. I've thought it out. It makes sense. The future improving doesn't make sense.
My first attempt I was at peace with it. I truly thought I'd die. The second time, I just hoped for the best. But SN is definitely going to do it. I don't know why this is so hard this time.
This place is a blessing and a curse! Sometimes I feel I should have stuck to just research here and not started talking to people. It almost makes things feel less painful. But it isn't real life as much as I value the support and validation I feel sometimes. I hope that didn't come out wrong.

 

[disconnection]

The decision to go seems so rational. I've thought it out. It makes sense. The future improving doesn't make sense.
My first attempt I was at peace with it. I truly thought I'd die. The second time, I just hoped for the best. But SN is definitely going to do it. I don't know why this is so hard this time.
This place is a blessing and a curse! Sometimes I feel I should have stuck to just research here and not started talking to people. It almost makes things feel less painful. But it isn't real life as much as I value the support and validation I feel sometimes. I hope that didn't come out wrong.

No I completely understand that - it's hard feeling accepted when things are otherwise so awful. I find this place conforming too.. Not sure what methods you tried before but SN seems like more of a sure thing than what I've done previously - I didn't really know what I was doing then. Maybe it's the finality which makes it harder? For me, if I fail, I won't have somewhere to live which is obviously a good motivation not to do it for now...

 

[Sadkitty]

No I completely understand that - it's hard feeling accepted when things are otherwise so awful. I find this place conforming too.. Not sure what methods you tried before but SN seems like more of a sure thing than what I've done previously - I didn't really know what I was doing then. Maybe it's the finality which makes it harder? For me, if I fail, I won't have somewhere to live which is obviously a good motivation not to do it for now...

What will happen to you if you fail?

 

[disconnection]

What will happen to you if you fail?

Living with family and I won't be able to stay.

 

[Sadkitty]

Living with family and I won't be able to stay.

I couldn't live with my family. I mean, they would let me but I couldn't live that life. It would absolutely be just breathing and physical functioning. No life at all in my opinion.

 

[FriendofDeath]

I couldn't live with my family. I mean, they would let me but I couldn't live that life. It would absolutely be just breathing and physical functioning. No life at all in my opinion.

I do live with family and have lost all sense of self. Thankfully, little is expected of me in my current situation, because surviving is about all I've been able to do. Taking care of cats, both indoor and ferals. They give me some purpose.

How are you now?

 

[Sadkitty]

I do live with family and have lost all sense of self. Thankfully, little is expected of me in my current situation, because surviving is about all I've been able to do. Taking care of cats, both indoor and ferals. They give me some purpose.

How are you now?

I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. I understand the only surviving aspect. I feel all purpose and joy is gone. I feel I have no life to go back to if I can recover.
Lately, I don't know how I've been. Hard to put into words. I almost feel more at peace with my decision but then the annoying thoughts pop up. But I'm literally doing nothing to better my situation so I have only myself to blame.
My cats are also my reason for actually leaving my bed daily. I wish you luck with the ferals. Such a sad state that is. But I won't delve into that....hope you're well

 

[FriendofDeath]

I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. I understand the only surviving aspect. I feel all purpose and joy is gone. I feel I have no life to go back to if I can recover.
Lately, I don't know how I've been. Hard to put into words. I almost feel more at peace with my decision but then the annoying thoughts pop up. But I'm literally doing nothing to better my situation so I have only myself to blame.
My cats are also my reason for actually leaving my bed daily. I wish you luck with the ferals. Such a sad state that is. But I won't delve into that....hope you're well

The ferals have been a challenge - it took 6 months before I could pet the boy and 9 months for the girl. Their mom has returned, but she's not fixed. I've tried to catch her in the past. Have a tom cat that comes around, too. Gotta watch him, because he will go after the brother and sister. I started a Feral Cat Caretaker group on the Nextdoor ap in an effort to get a group that could share info and resources. We have a great organization here that fixes ferals for free. My cats definitely help me.

I've been working on not blaming myself, nor do I set goals. My mother will say she's going to do this or that, doesn't and then complains she didn't do it. I just do what I can without announcing it!

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Surviving is a skill. It's hard when you feel you have no purpose. One of the things that used to help me was to do something to help someone else and to say my son had sent me. I've been dropping more and more of the behaviors that make life bearable. Keep in touch.

 

[disconnection]

I couldn't live with my family. I mean, they would let me but I couldn't live that life. It would absolutely be just breathing and physical functioning. No life at all in my opinion.

Well, quite. I'm moving back to stay with my mum shortly which will be worse than where I am at the moment. It's not living at all right now. Just, existing. And time will tell if I can make it past a mere existence again!