Sleeper System
Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z
- May 5, 2022
- 824
I don't really know where to start so I'll just type and hope for some understanding.
I always go through phases of depression at different times in life.
Usually, when a big change happens that I'm not happy with.
It sounds trivial but to me, those moments, break my entire world.
That's when I need this place the most.
For context you can view my previous posts.
Currently, I've fallen back into the delusion that life isn't so bad.
I continue to work every day to earn a living.
I speak with the people I care about and have good conversation.
I enjoy my social media and entertainment vices.
I eat whatever I feel like. I fuck whenever I want.
I dont make much money but all my bills are paid.
On the surface I'm just the average adult doing everything I'm supposed to just barely getting by.
But when I'm alone at night with my thoughts, as most of us often are, that's when the delusion breaks. The knowledge of just knowing that nothing matters is crippling. At any moment, my life can come crashing down on me. It's that fragile.
What made me come on today?
Well, my mom's "partner" or rather her boyfriend had a medical episode. His blood sugar got so low that he started yelling and screaming in pain and it completely freak my mom out. For context, they are older people. Mom is late 50s. He is late 70s. She lives with him and looks out for him etc. but if anything were to happen to him, she would be screwed because he is living off social security etc and she's technically not supposed to be living there. But no one cares about that.
I haven't lost anyone to death that I truelly cared about yet and this is really fucking with me. I cant afford to take care of my mom the way I would like and my living situation is roommate so she can't even stay with me. If anything happened to him, she would have a difficult time and I'm not sure what I could do.
A part of me wishes everything would just end. I feel like no matter what I do I'm just running in place. And with no ambition or way to combat my ideation other than what I've already been doing, I feel like the biggest piece of shit worthless loser.
His own children are older as well and their lives are fucked up. Drug addicts, mentally unstable, prostitutes, etc so they can't be relied on. Today, I went to the hospital, stayed for 5 hours, (fucking hate emergency rooms) and then just took my mom home and told his son who is staying with them to stay his ass there and wait for news while i take my mom home.
Now I'm in bed. Called out of work tomorrow. and just fucking unable to sleep or deal with this bs. Ugh. None of this is coherent i bet but whatever. I needed to get it off my chest.
I always go through phases of depression at different times in life.
Usually, when a big change happens that I'm not happy with.
It sounds trivial but to me, those moments, break my entire world.
That's when I need this place the most.
For context you can view my previous posts.
Currently, I've fallen back into the delusion that life isn't so bad.
I continue to work every day to earn a living.
I speak with the people I care about and have good conversation.
I enjoy my social media and entertainment vices.
I eat whatever I feel like. I fuck whenever I want.
I dont make much money but all my bills are paid.
On the surface I'm just the average adult doing everything I'm supposed to just barely getting by.
But when I'm alone at night with my thoughts, as most of us often are, that's when the delusion breaks. The knowledge of just knowing that nothing matters is crippling. At any moment, my life can come crashing down on me. It's that fragile.
What made me come on today?
Well, my mom's "partner" or rather her boyfriend had a medical episode. His blood sugar got so low that he started yelling and screaming in pain and it completely freak my mom out. For context, they are older people. Mom is late 50s. He is late 70s. She lives with him and looks out for him etc. but if anything were to happen to him, she would be screwed because he is living off social security etc and she's technically not supposed to be living there. But no one cares about that.
I haven't lost anyone to death that I truelly cared about yet and this is really fucking with me. I cant afford to take care of my mom the way I would like and my living situation is roommate so she can't even stay with me. If anything happened to him, she would have a difficult time and I'm not sure what I could do.
A part of me wishes everything would just end. I feel like no matter what I do I'm just running in place. And with no ambition or way to combat my ideation other than what I've already been doing, I feel like the biggest piece of shit worthless loser.
His own children are older as well and their lives are fucked up. Drug addicts, mentally unstable, prostitutes, etc so they can't be relied on. Today, I went to the hospital, stayed for 5 hours, (fucking hate emergency rooms) and then just took my mom home and told his son who is staying with them to stay his ass there and wait for news while i take my mom home.
Now I'm in bed. Called out of work tomorrow. and just fucking unable to sleep or deal with this bs. Ugh. None of this is coherent i bet but whatever. I needed to get it off my chest.
