Venting It's been a year...

[Polyxo]

I didn't CTB last year. I guess I felt there was some hope for me. But my sibling just called to talk about my life and my future – whether I'm happy like I am now. She's worried because half my twenties are gone now and I haven't done anything with my life. All I could say was that happiness is just something I'd have to work toward, I guess...

Couldn't bring myself to admit that my tools have been sitting in my closet for a year now, untouched and undiscovered. She thinks my life is in the state it's currently in because I'm afraid of taking risks.

I don't fear life... I just never had the desire for it...

She was able to pinpoint that maybe I'm not living for myself, though. I feel really guilty that I wasn't honest about being suicidal. I straight up blamed the pandemic for "trauma" as a cover for my being suicidal. LOLLLL.

Has anyone else really scraped the bottom of the barrel to hide that you're suicidal from other people?

 

[achingthroat]

Hm, well, with my mother it's not uncommon for me lately to just rant about how I hate everything and see this world as inhabitable and therefore I don't want to be here.

Or I bring up how I think it's so weird she wanted to have children because if not for retirement then why? She doesn't answer and just goes quiet and for the moments she does answers it's just vague.

She tells me that I don't owe her anything in this life really and just to do my best and be happy.

So, because I'm not literal and say, "I want to commit suicide, I am suicidal, I am going to do it" Nothing happens no one cares, my "I just wanna die" is nothing of concern but my usual self in distress about something. If I was straightforward then uh I guess I'd get hospitalized or it'll just be passed off as my usual self complaining.

 

[Polyxo]

Hm, well, with my mother it's not uncommon for me lately to just rant about how I hate everything and see this world as inhabitable and therefore I don't want to be here.

Or I bring up how I think it's so weird she wanted to have children because if not for retirement then why? She doesn't answer and just goes quiet and for the moments she does answers it's just vague.

She tells me that I don't owe her anything in this life really and just to do my best and be happy.

So, because I'm not literal and say, "I want to commit suicide, I am suicidal, I am going to do it" Nothing happens no one cares, my "I just wanna die" is nothing of concern but my usual self in distress about something. If I was straightforward then uh I guess I'd get hospitalized or it'll just be passed off as my usual self complaining.

I get it. I think if you're suicidal, it's probably the most expected and natural thing to struggle with existentialism. Humans have been debating the meaning of life for the entirety of our existence. I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with wanting to talk about it with your mom.

I hope one day you find someone you can be straightforward with.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

i try so hard to hide being suicidal from most. one time i got drunk and told one of my friends that i thought about death a lot, but when they texted me about it later and asked what i meant, i told them that i meant i was afraid of dying. which is true kinda, i do have a lot of stress around survival instict and stuff, but it wasnt everythng i was going through. i still feel bad i didnt tell them the full truth. i do have one friend who knows i have suicidal thoughts. he also has suicidal thoughts. he has said that he doesnt plan to actually kill himself, just thinks about it a lot, and still wants to get better, and i've let him think i feel the same, never told him that i attempted in the past or that i plan to in the future. if i did trust someone with the full truth, it would be him, but i still feel afraid too.

 

[abstractcat7]

I have to keep my emotions in check and be careful of what I say, I can often say things that are more extreme than the way I truly feel. I guess it's a form of venting or something. Beyond that, I don't have anyone in my life that cares. I don't have anyone in my life at all. I have no one to hide it from. I've actively tried to drop hints of varying size, but nobody cares. The best I've gotten is, "Life is rough, just keep your head up!" as they make an effort to interact with me less but still claim they love and care about me. I've seen a few threads/discussions pertaining to the contents of a note that will be left behind, or whether or not to make a note at all... I'll be leaving a note. A note explaining how awful they were to me, how awful they made me feel, and that I hope that my death inspires them to start caring about other people and having a little bit of empathy for others. Unlikely, but... whatever brings me comfort, I guess, right? People won't change until something drastic happens. You never know what you have until it's gone.