I've been lurking around this forum since sometime in the late 2010s but wanted to say hello. My first attempt was in 2003 and my last was in 2010. Not only was it unsuccessful but the experience of surviving it and of what happened after were both genuinely traumatic. So I tried for a long time. I told myself all the things that made me want to get out could be changed. I made myself believe the lies they drill into you in treatment, that life alone is worth living. They say to do your best and take it day by day, but if you do that you end up like me. Caught in the trap, a useless person with a broken-down body.
I'm jealous when others die, but I'm not a monster. I understand that it's tragic for someone to die when they wanted to live so I put away my jealousy and feel sad for them. But that makes me wonder, if it's tragic for others to die when they want to live why is it good for me to live when I want to die? When I was younger I was encouraged to think about how my death would affect my family. But as time went on and my mental suffering didn't abate I grew to resent them for this. I'm not a bauble or a toy whose purpose is to be kept around for others to look at or be amused by. I'm a human being with feelings of my own that matter too. This was before I started realizing that they take me for granted and ignore my needs fairly consistently.
I experienced depression and despair, but there is a difference between wishing things were better but not feeling like they can get better and knowing they will never improve. I always had a plan I was working on to improve my situation. I told myself if I made a positive change in my life I would feel differently. They just never worked out. I don't mean I made the change and then didn't feel any differently, I mean they just never succeeded. In 2022 I had another attempt at starting a career fail, my closest friendship end, I got fired, and then had a workplace accident at my new job that caused my health and mobility to decline all within a month and a half. After that I realized there was no point. There is no relief. I'll decide where to go from here. I don't want to go through another survival.
If I could leave one message for the rest of the world, it would be to stop treating people who live with suicidality as if they are radioactive. Our feelings should not be treated like a dirty taboo that can never be expressed. If i had a physical illness I could at least say if it was giving me trouble or feeling better without giving any details. Isolating, stigmatizing, and shaming us will not make this go away. I am glas to be on this forum where at least I can express how I feel and don't have to lie constantly.
I'm jealous when others die, but I'm not a monster. I understand that it's tragic for someone to die when they wanted to live so I put away my jealousy and feel sad for them. But that makes me wonder, if it's tragic for others to die when they want to live why is it good for me to live when I want to die? When I was younger I was encouraged to think about how my death would affect my family. But as time went on and my mental suffering didn't abate I grew to resent them for this. I'm not a bauble or a toy whose purpose is to be kept around for others to look at or be amused by. I'm a human being with feelings of my own that matter too. This was before I started realizing that they take me for granted and ignore my needs fairly consistently.
I experienced depression and despair, but there is a difference between wishing things were better but not feeling like they can get better and knowing they will never improve. I always had a plan I was working on to improve my situation. I told myself if I made a positive change in my life I would feel differently. They just never worked out. I don't mean I made the change and then didn't feel any differently, I mean they just never succeeded. In 2022 I had another attempt at starting a career fail, my closest friendship end, I got fired, and then had a workplace accident at my new job that caused my health and mobility to decline all within a month and a half. After that I realized there was no point. There is no relief. I'll decide where to go from here. I don't want to go through another survival.
If I could leave one message for the rest of the world, it would be to stop treating people who live with suicidality as if they are radioactive. Our feelings should not be treated like a dirty taboo that can never be expressed. If i had a physical illness I could at least say if it was giving me trouble or feeling better without giving any details. Isolating, stigmatizing, and shaming us will not make this go away. I am glas to be on this forum where at least I can express how I feel and don't have to lie constantly.
