it's been a bit, i'm still alive but i rlly feel i need help w some stuff

[lumene]

(im 21F if this matters) throughout all my years of suicidal ideation ive somehow managed to pull through on the mindset that "suicide is inherently bad" or "i dont want to hurt people" and this might not b the best website to ask but i really want an answer i can apply to myself
i really do want to recover but more than that i want a reason to recover, at the moment it's really hard to reason why

if i feel so scared all the time, stress other people out by being unstable nd unpredictable, and i've tried getting professional help but nobody will take me seriously, why should i continue to live?
so far the biggest positive thing throughout my life that's kept me going is the fact i have so many interests, there's so much i'd like to learn and do i'm a very ambitious person. but this is the first time i feel ive stagnated on all fronts. i'm either too scared to focus on anything or im too depressed to want to do anything. the slightest change in tone from other people freaks me out and all my relationships are incredibly unstable. i've talked to counsellors and doctors and none of them will take me seriously, i'm dealing with the genuine possibility of having developed schizophrenia (its in my family) and they're just completely ignoring my memory loss and hallucinations still trying to figure out if im just depressed or not trying me on different ssris and refusing to refer me to therapy (im too broke to go private).

at the moment im in a position where ive stopped doing well enough in college to get to where i was aiming to be, ive lost most of my friends, i dont have a phone so i cant apply to most jobs to find an income, im nearly out of money completely and my parents are complaining about how much electricity im using up. it's just a point where it feels like all roads lead to suicide but i really don't want this. i just want to know sincerely why people think its so important to stay alive and recover, if i do i'll just be a person, nothing more nothing less. not to sound misanthropic but there are plenty of those, if what it takes to make me a person is jumping through hoops with doctors, trying everything in my power to find a decent source of support and meds that work and a way to earn money, why should i? what's so important about me staying alive? im truly just looking for an answer that can make me feel this too, i really want to

 

[Drogon]

How far are you from graduating ? Stay focused and try your best to finish. So many doors will open up

 

[orpheus_]

I kind of get it, people say "just do it because why not" but I just cannot live like this, I always need a reason. I do not really know what reason you could have, but I personally found a few things that, although not that reliably, give me some motivation-

First off I'm aware my suicide would heavily influence people I know. I don't have many relationships, mostly my parents and two friends (out of which one is also suicidal and probably wishes I would give up already so they could also do it without hestitation tbh). But I know that suicide IS a big deal for most people, the knowledge that someone took their life is disturbing to them. Especially when it's someone they know. I know I'm probably not the best friend ever and most definitely not a good son, but I know that my death would be hard for my friends and parents regardless. I also recently started doing volunteer work and it's also something that ties me to this world.

Besides other people, it's that I guess I just want to use the chance of existing I got. I guess that deep inside I want to experience life. I was always very curious, and wanted to know things so "even though life is bad, I can just use the chance of experiencing reality that I got". Well at least that's what I always thought... until I lost the ability to be interested in everything haha. Still I think that this desire to just "experience what I can" is somewhere. I also want to just contribute to the world, even in small scale, tell some stories I want to, share some ideas, just make the world a better place by being a decent human, even if it doesn't matter much in the long run - just try to make lives of others less miserable. Though these things completely loose significance for me at times.

In the end I mostly stay here simply because I'm afraid of death. I'm too indecisive to proceed with anything and so many almost-attempts ended up on me just freaking out, although I thought I was sure. There's also a part of me who believes in sort of afterlife and is scared of it but I know that probably sounds stupid.

Like I said these are just my sources of motivation, but maybe reading it can give you some ideas. I'm really sorry the healthcare system did you dirty, I think therapy could be helpful for you, so keep convincing them to give you a referral. I mean I know it won't solve everything but maybe it can make things a bit easier or give you some new possibilities.