it's been a bit, i'm still alive but i rlly feel i need help w some stuff

[fatalgarden]

(im 21F if this matters) throughout all my years of suicidal ideation ive somehow managed to pull through on the mindset that "suicide is inherently bad" or "i dont want to hurt people" and this might not b the best website to ask but i really want an answer i can apply to myself
i really do want to recover but more than that i want a reason to recover, at the moment it's really hard to reason why

if i feel so scared all the time, stress other people out by being unstable nd unpredictable, and i've tried getting professional help but nobody will take me seriously, why should i continue to live?
so far the biggest positive thing throughout my life that's kept me going is the fact i have so many interests, there's so much i'd like to learn and do i'm a very ambitious person. but this is the first time i feel ive stagnated on all fronts. i'm either too scared to focus on anything or im too depressed to want to do anything. the slightest change in tone from other people freaks me out and all my relationships are incredibly unstable. i've talked to counsellors and doctors and none of them will take me seriously, i'm dealing with the genuine possibility of having developed schizophrenia (its in my family) and they're just completely ignoring my memory loss and hallucinations still trying to figure out if im just depressed or not trying me on different ssris and refusing to refer me to therapy (im too broke to go private).

at the moment im in a position where ive stopped doing well enough in college to get to where i was aiming to be, ive lost most of my friends, i dont have a phone so i cant apply to most jobs to find an income, im nearly out of money completely and my parents are complaining about how much electricity im using up. it's just a point where it feels like all roads lead to suicide but i really don't want this. i just want to know sincerely why people think its so important to stay alive and recover, if i do i'll just be a person, nothing more nothing less. not to sound misanthropic but there are plenty of those, if what it takes to make me a person is jumping through hoops with doctors, trying everything in my power to find a decent source of support and meds that work and a way to earn money, why should i? what's so important about me staying alive? im truly just looking for an answer that can make me feel this too, i really want to

 

[Drogon]

How far are you from graduating ? Stay focused and try your best to finish. So many doors will open up

 

[orpheus_]

I kind of get it, people say "just do it because why not" but I just cannot live like this, I always need a reason. I do not really know what reason you could have, but I personally found a few things that, although not that reliably, give me some motivation-

First off I'm aware my suicide would heavily influence people I know. I don't have many relationships, mostly my parents and two friends (out of which one is also suicidal and probably wishes I would give up already so they could also do it without hestitation tbh). But I know that suicide IS a big deal for most people, the knowledge that someone took their life is disturbing to them. Especially when it's someone they know. I know I'm probably not the best friend ever and most definitely not a good son, but I know that my death would be hard for my friends and parents regardless. I also recently started doing volunteer work and it's also something that ties me to this world.

Besides other people, it's that I guess I just want to use the chance of existing I got. I guess that deep inside I want to experience life. I was always very curious, and wanted to know things so "even though life is bad, I can just use the chance of experiencing reality that I got". Well at least that's what I always thought... until I lost the ability to be interested in everything haha. Still I think that this desire to just "experience what I can" is somewhere. I also want to just contribute to the world, even in small scale, tell some stories I want to, share some ideas, just make the world a better place by being a decent human, even if it doesn't matter much in the long run - just try to make lives of others less miserable. Though these things completely loose significance for me at times.

In the end I mostly stay here simply because I'm afraid of death. I'm too indecisive to proceed with anything and so many almost-attempts ended up on me just freaking out, although I thought I was sure. There's also a part of me who believes in sort of afterlife and is scared of it but I know that probably sounds stupid.

Like I said these are just my sources of motivation, but maybe reading it can give you some ideas. I'm really sorry the healthcare system did you dirty, I think therapy could be helpful for you, so keep convincing them to give you a referral. I mean I know it won't solve everything but maybe it can make things a bit easier or give you some new possibilities.

 

[fatalgarden]

How far are you from graduating ? Stay focused and try your best to finish. So many doors will open up

about 4 months, i'm still trying but without much success to get the grades i'd need to do what i planned to. at the very least as i'm alive i don't feel like dropping out, if only because being around people is a good distraction and im with mental health support staff

I kind of get it, people say "just do it because why not" but I just cannot live like this, I always need a reason. I do not really know what reason you could have, but I personally found a few things that, although not that reliably, give me some motivation-

First off I'm aware my suicide would heavily influence people I know. I don't have many relationships, mostly my parents and two friends (out of which one is also suicidal and probably wishes I would give up already so they could also do it without hestitation tbh). But I know that suicide IS a big deal for most people, the knowledge that someone took their life is disturbing to them. Especially when it's someone they know. I know I'm probably not the best friend ever and most definitely not a good son, but I know that my death would be hard for my friends and parents regardless. I also recently started doing volunteer work and it's also something that ties me to this world.

Besides other people, it's that I guess I just want to use the chance of existing I got. I guess that deep inside I want to experience life. I was always very curious, and wanted to know things so "even though life is bad, I can just use the chance of experiencing reality that I got". Well at least that's what I always thought... until I lost the ability to be interested in everything haha. Still I think that this desire to just "experience what I can" is somewhere. I also want to just contribute to the world, even in small scale, tell some stories I want to, share some ideas, just make the world a better place by being a decent human, even if it doesn't matter much in the long run - just try to make lives of others less miserable. Though these things completely loose significance for me at times.

In the end I mostly stay here simply because I'm afraid of death. I'm too indecisive to proceed with anything and so many almost-attempts ended up on me just freaking out, although I thought I was sure. There's also a part of me who believes in sort of afterlife and is scared of it but I know that probably sounds stupid.

Like I said these are just my sources of motivation, but maybe reading it can give you some ideas. I'm really sorry the healthcare system did you dirty, I think therapy could be helpful for you, so keep convincing them to give you a referral. I mean I know it won't solve everything but maybe it can make things a bit easier or give you some new possibilities.

thank you, i woke up feeling less unsafe today so this reaches me better than it wouldve done when i posted this. its tough to accept when i'm having a crisis but there is no logical answer to "why is it important for people to stay alive", all i can do is find my own reasons for me to want to stay alive (like the "experiencing the reality i got" thing), whether it's important in a wider sense is just something i need 2 try not to get caught up on. the need to experience life is something i can strongly relate to and even at my worst my thinking is still "i wish i had a more functional brain so i could do everything i want to"

 

[piercedheart]

Hello girlie, first off sorry to hear what you're going through.

But I am proud of you, for knowing what you want, and knowing that you want to keep going on, would you like to tell me about your interests and hobbies? I'd love to hear about them, maybe we share some of them?

If you had a phone, would you be able to find a job; improve your life? If so perhaps I could help, whatever service is anonymous that works in your area. A cheap phone can go a long way.

I don't know what country you're in, but from the sound of your shit healthcare I assume the US, sadly I cannot provide much help in that regard, can you get a second opinion?

How do you voice your feelings to someone like a doctor? I personally always struggled to share my feelings so my doctor always assumed I had nothing going on as I was very dismissive and easy-going about very horrible feelings, I did not get any help till I fully laid myself bare, while I doubt you've done the same from how you've written, perhaps there is a slim chance?

A hard truth is that there is no real reason to live besides living itself, wanting to experience life, seeing new things, going places, meeting people, finding a partner, in the end only you can find a reason, and there are many, sadly hard times like these exist to cloud our vision but, I believe in you. You don't always need a big grand reason like becoming president, or becoming an astronaut, that is perfectly fine, wanting to live a happy and simple life is a beautiful goal as is any.

Set small goals, and steps for yourself, don't try to make big leaps, keep setting tiny easily achievable goals for yourself, don't aim high, aim what you can reach, and slowly keep going up.

 

[thatonegirl]

(im 21F if this matters) throughout all my years of suicidal ideation ive somehow managed to pull through on the mindset that "suicide is inherently bad" or "i dont want to hurt people" and this might not b the best website to ask but i really want an answer i can apply to myself
i really do want to recover but more than that i want a reason to recover, at the moment it's really hard to reason why

if i feel so scared all the time, stress other people out by being unstable nd unpredictable, and i've tried getting professional help but nobody will take me seriously, why should i continue to live?
so far the biggest positive thing throughout my life that's kept me going is the fact i have so many interests, there's so much i'd like to learn and do i'm a very ambitious person. but this is the first time i feel ive stagnated on all fronts. i'm either too scared to focus on anything or im too depressed to want to do anything. the slightest change in tone from other people freaks me out and all my relationships are incredibly unstable. i've talked to counsellors and doctors and none of them will take me seriously, i'm dealing with the genuine possibility of having developed schizophrenia (its in my family) and they're just completely ignoring my memory loss and hallucinations still trying to figure out if im just depressed or not trying me on different ssris and refusing to refer me to therapy (im too broke to go private).

at the moment im in a position where ive stopped doing well enough in college to get to where i was aiming to be, ive lost most of my friends, i dont have a phone so i cant apply to most jobs to find an income, im nearly out of money completely and my parents are complaining about how much electricity im using up. it's just a point where it feels like all roads lead to suicide but i really don't want this. i just want to know sincerely why people think its so important to stay alive and recover, if i do i'll just be a person, nothing more nothing less. not to sound misanthropic but there are plenty of those, if what it takes to make me a person is jumping through hoops with doctors, trying everything in my power to find a decent source of support and meds that work and a way to earn money, why should i? what's so important about me staying alive? im truly just looking for an answer that can make me feel this too, i really want to

The mental illness is the hardest part to overcome. I'm definitely dealing with that. Everything else about your life? Doesn't really matter in the long run. You can fix your school situation with an appeal for another chance if necessary (I've had to do it), jobs come and go every day so that will always be a possibility, and relationships with people are complicated, but improving your life comes with a nice confidence boost that makes it easier to set boundaries with people and be assertive. Think of the ex-cons who have turned everything around and are living happy lives with beautiful families and successful careers. If they can do it so can you. You just have to beat whatever is screwing with your mental health.

I honestly think getting some additional outside support is in your best interest. In addition to continuing to work with your doctors (that's the slow, infuriating part, but hang in there) Google for Peer Support Groups in your city. I know the name is ick-inducing for some people but DON'T WRITE OFF THIS ANSWER, I swear to you having been in a mental institution (which was incredibly helpful), these groups are exactly like that only: You're allowed to leave whenever you want, and it's free. Completely. I didn't think my city had anything like that because I've never heard about it, but a quick search showed that we do indeed have a center, and they even offer free transportation if you can't get a ride (not all centers offer that, but just ask!). There are no therapists or psychiatrists involved, so no worries about being locked up for saying how you feel. It's just other people who get it, and are working to overcome it too. They can also often help with jobs, be it teaching you a useful skill or helping you prep your resume and get ready for interviews. It's an incredible resource, and it's there for people exactly like you. It could be exactly the boost you need to get through this bump.

 

[fatalgarden]

Hello girlie, first off sorry to hear what you're going through.

But I am proud of you, for knowing what you want, and knowing that you want to keep going on, would you like to tell me about your interests and hobbies? I'd love to hear about them, maybe we share some of them?

If you had a phone, would you be able to find a job; improve your life? If so perhaps I could help, whatever service is anonymous that works in your area. A cheap phone can go a long way.

I don't know what country you're in, but from the sound of your shit healthcare I assume the US, sadly I cannot provide much help in that regard, can you get a second opinion?

How do you voice your feelings to someone like a doctor? I personally always struggled to share my feelings so my doctor always assumed I had nothing going on as I was very dismissive and easy-going about very horrible feelings, I did not get any help till I fully laid myself bare, while I doubt you've done the same from how you've written, perhaps there is a slim chance?

A hard truth is that there is no real reason to live besides living itself, wanting to experience life, seeing new things, going places, meeting people, finding a partner, in the end only you can find a reason, and there are many, sadly hard times like these exist to cloud our vision but, I believe in you. You don't always need a big grand reason like becoming president, or becoming an astronaut, that is perfectly fine, wanting to live a happy and simple life is a beautiful goal as is any.

Set small goals, and steps for yourself, don't try to make big leaps, keep setting tiny easily achievable goals for yourself, don't aim high, aim what you can reach, and slowly keep going up.

my hobbies atm r entirely related 2 art, partially for distraction reasons. im a bit of a music nerd nd im getting in2 movies lately, in particular i like folk nd electronic music nd i like quiet slow movies like those by abbas kiarostami and apichatpong weerasethakul

im from wales unfortunately, the healthcare is free but very very bad. admittedly ive been pretty terrible at voicing my feelings, i get too worried about being perceived as exaggerative of my symptoms / evil for my emotions. im trying 2 get better at this but its difficult when my doctors do tend 2 have bad assumptions. i plan soon to get a phone and i did end up being referred to therapy (even though they told me they wouldnt) so im getting evaluated soon enough hopefully.

with regards to the hard truth thing its weird, my goal has always just been to live happily and simply, ive been trying to minimise my desires for some time now. most of the feelings of futility come from when this gets obstructed. the ideal life for me would be relatively minimal, as long as i can keep a habit, a place to sleep and access to the internet (even a library would be fine, id mostly want to use it to learn stuff and read). it's just rlly defeating that with so little needs things still get in the way and my desires keep stacking up as a result of me needing distractions from those issues. idk i definitely have a will to live and for the most part its pretty strong but its rlly difficult in moments like this when it feels like the obstructions will always be there

The mental illness is the hardest part to overcome. I'm definitely dealing with that. Everything else about your life? Doesn't really matter in the long run. You can fix your school situation with an appeal for another chance if necessary (I've had to do it), jobs come and go every day so that will always be a possibility, and relationships with people are complicated, but improving your life comes with a nice confidence boost that makes it easier to set boundaries with people and be assertive. Think of the ex-cons who have turned everything around and are living happy lives with beautiful families and successful careers. If they can do it so can you. You just have to beat whatever is screwing with your mental health.

I honestly think getting some additional outside support is in your best interest. In addition to continuing to work with your doctors (that's the slow, infuriating part, but hang in there) Google for Peer Support Groups in your city. I know the name is ick-inducing for some people but DON'T WRITE OFF THIS ANSWER, I swear to you having been in a mental institution (which was incredibly helpful), these groups are exactly like that only: You're allowed to leave whenever you want, and it's free. Completely. I didn't think my city had anything like that because I've never heard about it, but a quick search showed that we do indeed have a center, and they even offer free transportation if you can't get a ride (not all centers offer that, but just ask!). There are no therapists or psychiatrists involved, so no worries about being locked up for saying how you feel. It's just other people who get it, and are working to overcome it too. They can also often help with jobs, be it teaching you a useful skill or helping you prep your resume and get ready for interviews. It's an incredible resource, and it's there for people exactly like you. It could be exactly the boost you need to get through this bump.

this is reassuring to hear. i havent looked too much into mental institutions but ive always wanted to and assumed they wouldnt be available to me, i'll definitely look into them soon im starting to feel like im heading towards a really bad place mentally so i think that would be my best option if possible. its really hard to feel life is solvable and im not running out of time but i really need to try to let it sink in and give myself space to breathe.

thank u both these were both nice 2 hear

 

[MephiticShadow]

There have been studies that suggest those fish oil capsule supplements can halt schizophrenia onset in its early stages if you wanna give that a try

 

[fatalgarden]

There have been studies that suggest those fish oil capsule supplements can halt schizophrenia onset in its early stages if you wanna give that a try

thank you v much, i wasn't aware of this. will look out for some and give this a shot ^^

 

[MephiticShadow]

thank you v much, i wasn't aware of this. will look out for some and give this a shot ^^

No harm in trying right. I hope it helps