It's all right here (SN and stuff)

[stardewwindceres]

I have a box sitting in my closet with 200 mgs of SN, 100 mgs of Meto, a scale, and well, in 8 days I'll have 600 mg of Valium, right now I only have 120 mg of Valium so, I guess a week would be better. But my point is, it's all right here. Finally a reliable method, almost guaranteed to work, I can be out of here any time I want. But here I am, seriously considering another round of ECT again (outpatient) that I know only might work to get rid of the acute suicidal feelings for maybe a month or two and then I'll be right back to where I am here. Ofc I am also curious if I can fry this out of my brain maybe? Or what I can fry out of my brain. But is this just survival instinct? Because I don't even want to survive. I don't even have the instincts to survive, ironicly. I could never survive on my own. What the fuck am I doing?

Yes, the stuff will still be here. But why am I even thinking of prolonging it? Until recently I have intended to keep the promise I made to myself about not killing myself until I truly have no reason to live, which is after my dog dies but I know, I'll be dead, so no consciousness or awareness and it's not like dogs understand promises anyways. She's around the age that dogs her size tend to die but she's healthy so it could be months or it could be another year or more. I can't take that. And I literally have nothing to look forward to. Life is all downhill from here. Like objectively. Is this survival instinct? I mean the shit that I was so lucky to find is RIGHT FUCKING THERE!!! (only a week for the large dose of Valium) What the fuck am I waiting for? Really.

 

[getoutgirl]

i don't know if it is survival instinct. i'd obviously prefer if you could manage to fry that out of your brain yea... you are clearly in a lot of pain and there is a point when just sutviving is too exhausting. hard to say where that end point is for sure, maybe you can fry it out if there's something calling you to it, to stay around more than just surviving, live or smthing. obviously i can't promise anything, i just hope you get easier days your way.
i'm also glad u have a dog, give it a pet <3
I wish you the best, big hugs

 

[ifihadnever]

I am sort of in the same situaition. I have all I need in front of me. But I'm waiting for my will to come back so I can sign it...then everything will be in place and i just have to commit to that finial act. The wait is killing me. I didn't know sorting out a will could take so long...
Just waiting.....werid feeling...horrible feeling actually....

 

[Eriktf]

did you mean 200 g or mg of SN???

i would wait for the Valium its just a few more days, i much rather take 600mg then 120mg valium with sn.