everythingblack
Member
- Apr 20, 2022
- 43
A lot of people reiterate to those who have lost all hope to "hang in there", wait just a little more, with promises of the potential of things to get better.
Rarely does anybody discuss the potential of things to stay the same, stagnate, or even worse: compound and manifest in a multitude of negative ways.
All my life I've been told that things will get better. That I have the potential to do better, do great things, succeed, and be happy.
I've been depressed since my early childhood, and suicidal since my early teens. My life has been a conglomeration of almost comical mishaps, and a series of unfortunate events. I have accomplished things against all odds, and I have also thrown everything to the wind. If you put my circumstances on paper, nobody would expect anything to have become of me.
And honestly, I give up. I no longer want to suffer. Call me a coward if you will. But everybody who has told me it would get better lied. If anything, they indirectly lead to prolongation of my suffering by dangling false bits of hope in front of me. When I look at my life and everything that has happened since the conception of my suicidal ideation, I cannot point to any specific moment or accomplishment, and say "wow, the world is a better place because I hung in there." or "wow, I'm really glad I didn't give up, look what became of me and the great things that have happened". No. I look back in time and say fuck, I should have ended it all when I had the chance, when SN was more readily available and less popularized. When I could have gotten it in such a dystopian way through Amazon Prime 2-day delivery instead of having to jump through hoops to find it on the black market. I say why am I still here. Why am I wasting resources, space, and the time of others when I clearly no longer want to help myself. There are people out there desperately fighting to live, doing everything in their power to survive, or others who have life taken from them too young. Why do I have this life while those people have it stolen from them? People who actually have a purpose and reason for being here die all the time. And here I am, wasting away, having wasted years in absolute unproductivity, sloth, and anger.
I hate myself. I hate the way I treat others because I hate myself. It has not gotten better and I should have done it when I had the chance. Now I will stay and suffer until another opportunity presents itself.
Rarely does anybody discuss the potential of things to stay the same, stagnate, or even worse: compound and manifest in a multitude of negative ways.
All my life I've been told that things will get better. That I have the potential to do better, do great things, succeed, and be happy.
I've been depressed since my early childhood, and suicidal since my early teens. My life has been a conglomeration of almost comical mishaps, and a series of unfortunate events. I have accomplished things against all odds, and I have also thrown everything to the wind. If you put my circumstances on paper, nobody would expect anything to have become of me.
And honestly, I give up. I no longer want to suffer. Call me a coward if you will. But everybody who has told me it would get better lied. If anything, they indirectly lead to prolongation of my suffering by dangling false bits of hope in front of me. When I look at my life and everything that has happened since the conception of my suicidal ideation, I cannot point to any specific moment or accomplishment, and say "wow, the world is a better place because I hung in there." or "wow, I'm really glad I didn't give up, look what became of me and the great things that have happened". No. I look back in time and say fuck, I should have ended it all when I had the chance, when SN was more readily available and less popularized. When I could have gotten it in such a dystopian way through Amazon Prime 2-day delivery instead of having to jump through hoops to find it on the black market. I say why am I still here. Why am I wasting resources, space, and the time of others when I clearly no longer want to help myself. There are people out there desperately fighting to live, doing everything in their power to survive, or others who have life taken from them too young. Why do I have this life while those people have it stolen from them? People who actually have a purpose and reason for being here die all the time. And here I am, wasting away, having wasted years in absolute unproductivity, sloth, and anger.
I hate myself. I hate the way I treat others because I hate myself. It has not gotten better and I should have done it when I had the chance. Now I will stay and suffer until another opportunity presents itself.
