It never gets better it is a always constant fight

[FireFox]

I am tired of fighting. I really wanted to live but I now realise I am just not strong for this world. I am just weak. I don't belong here in this world and life is not for me. If anyone should have died from covid19 it should have been me not that nurse with 3 kids or my neighbours or my other relatives who died.

Next month my job ends and I will have to go back to weekly appointments at the jobcentre which I absoultely hate. My mental health was improving when I stopped visiting the job centre. I hate the jobcentre staff because they have a low opinion of the benefit claimant's that enter the centre it is so transparent in how they treat you. The staff just believe the people on welfare are just lazy. I am just talking about my own experiences which haven't been great

It's not that as well on February I will still be single when valentines day approaches. As I grow older I realise I will always be the invisible woman the guy never notices because she doesn't look like a supermodel or pretty. As a teenager I always answered questions in class, spoke publicly at school assemblies and not afraid to contribute to class discussions however I was always invisible to others boys at school who preferred other girls at school. My personality will never be enough a woman like me has no chance because we live in a shallow society that values physical beauty rather than person kindness of a heart. I have brown eyes, black hair which are boring features compared to other features ie blonde hair and blue eyes, green eyes, ginger hair etc.

When I turn 30 I will catch the bus. Now I realise it always inevitable my suicide. The lockdown showed me I don't deserve to have good health hence why I will not seek treatment or any help for my purging.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I feel you about the Job Centre, the atmosphere there is so horrible, I don't go there anymore because the energy in there just feels so bad. And yes, some people are considered attractive and others not, the inequality sucks balls, and I feel that 100%. I will say though, that there are lots of guys who love black hair and brown eyes, in fact that's my personal favourite. Most of my crushes over the years have had those features. They're absolutely not 'inferior', and I don't know the statistics, but I would guess that they're not actually less popular overall. So I would say, definitely don't worry about that, (if you can).

 

[chocolatebar]

Why do you call yourself weak? That's not the perception I have from you.

When I turn 30 I will catch the bus

The same number that haunts me every day... closer and closer...

 

[pole]

"but it gets better! it always does! trust me, i understand what your going through" - pro-lifers.

sorry about what you're going through. it sounds stressful.

i also hate looking to the future, worrying about jobs, etc. i can't even get out of bed, how the hell am i suppose to handle and focus on a future.

we're tired.

 

[Messgram]

I think having light or dark eyes is almost irrelevant, it's the shape of your face and body that really defines beauty.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand that it can be a dreadful feeling when things just get worse, this life can be very tiring. I also see myself as not being meant for this world, I am not suited for this life at all, and I have never wanted to be alive. It sounds like you are going through a lot, I know that it can be hard to carry on when you are suffering so much, whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[FireFox]

"but it gets better! it always does! trust me, i understand what your going through" - pro-lifers.

sorry about what you're going through. it sounds stressful.

i also hate looking to the future, worrying about jobs, etc. i can't even get out of bed, how the hell am i suppose to handle and focus on a future.

we're tired.

@Hass virtual hug
I pretend to be happy and stable and everyone believes it. On the outside I appear happy and chill but Inside I am just tired and want to sleep forever.

The worst thing was I really wanted to live and enjoy life but didn't know how. When I reached out I was treated like an annoying inconvenience to people's lives by everyone around me rather than human being who needed comfort, love and actual support. My eating disorder became my best friend because everyone just kept letting me down.

I understand that it can be a dreadful feeling when things just get worse, this life can be very tiring. I also see myself as not being meant for this world, I am not suited for this life at all, and I have never wanted to be alive. It sounds like you are going through a lot, I know that it can be hard to carry on when you are suffering so much, whatever happens, I wish you the best.

@FuneralCry Everyday I wish I died from covid19. Its always the good people who die young it is not fair.
I am destroying my healthy body through my eating disorder because I don't deserve my healthy body. Most the people who died from covid19 where just good people with so much to live for ie marriage, had children, postively contributed to society in the jobs they did and so much more.
I wasted my life, I cause problems for my family and the world is better off without me.

Why do you call yourself weak? That's not the perception I have from you.

The same number that haunts me every day... closer and closer...

@chocolatebar I am weak because I am strong the way society expects you to be. Everyone in my family is strong.
I am too sensitive, empathic for this world.
As I go through life I know I am going to die by suicide and it is no longer preventable. I really wanted to live but didn't know. There is this big wide world and I can't navigate it.

Life was never meant for me. I don't belong anywhere and just an outsider. I am tired of being alive. I want to sleep forever. I f*cked up my 20s and I don't want another decade.