the_gold
Member
- Jun 18, 2026
- 7
hello, my name is susie, I've struggled with suicidal ideation for over 2 years now. for over a year there was a time when I thought about it daily, when I was 16. now its slowly been getting better I feel, I have close friends whom I adore and they've shown me that I have to be the one to save myself and that they can help me, but they alone can't save me. (I recall a drunken conversation I had with my best friend, telling him that he couldn't single handedly carry all my pain for me.) I'm painfully self aware and I know I've been a burden on them these past few months, and I just need some reassurance I suppose.
I was having a decent day, I worked for a few hours and had good coworkers on shift including my best friend. I was excited to go and workout at the gym since I've been trying to be consistent there, and for some reason I just could not do anything. I was doing assisted pullups and could hardly manage four whereas I can usually do 10 in one go. there was no one there so at least I wasn't embarrassing myself, but I tried other exercises and nothing worked, I just felt so weak. Somehow this triggered a big influx of emotions, I suppose I've been shutting them off for a while. I broke down in the gym and left before anyone could walk in on me, and now im sitting in my car at the gas station.
And it's back. It never goes away really, that idea is always there at the back of my mind, but now its the only thing I can hear and im terrified of what I might do in this state. I get very impulse-driven and irrational when it gets really bad, but I dont want to hurt myself again, I've been clean for a couple weeks now and I truly thought I was getting better...
Another thing that always drives this is that, I know im not pretty, I never have been and I thought I'd come to terms with the fact that I never will, but sometimes it just seems so horrifying to look in the mirror and realize ill be stuck with this the rest of my life, and I start to wonder how could anyone love me, im a disappointment, the ugly duck of the family, etc, etc. The whole shebang.
Anyway, I guess I just wanted to vent, I feel like a piece of shit burdening my friends with this so I refuse to go to them with things like this anymore.
I was having a decent day, I worked for a few hours and had good coworkers on shift including my best friend. I was excited to go and workout at the gym since I've been trying to be consistent there, and for some reason I just could not do anything. I was doing assisted pullups and could hardly manage four whereas I can usually do 10 in one go. there was no one there so at least I wasn't embarrassing myself, but I tried other exercises and nothing worked, I just felt so weak. Somehow this triggered a big influx of emotions, I suppose I've been shutting them off for a while. I broke down in the gym and left before anyone could walk in on me, and now im sitting in my car at the gas station.
And it's back. It never goes away really, that idea is always there at the back of my mind, but now its the only thing I can hear and im terrified of what I might do in this state. I get very impulse-driven and irrational when it gets really bad, but I dont want to hurt myself again, I've been clean for a couple weeks now and I truly thought I was getting better...
Another thing that always drives this is that, I know im not pretty, I never have been and I thought I'd come to terms with the fact that I never will, but sometimes it just seems so horrifying to look in the mirror and realize ill be stuck with this the rest of my life, and I start to wonder how could anyone love me, im a disappointment, the ugly duck of the family, etc, etc. The whole shebang.
Anyway, I guess I just wanted to vent, I feel like a piece of shit burdening my friends with this so I refuse to go to them with things like this anymore.
