it hurts to see others happy

[daisyrandone]

i feel like i can't even bring myself to leave the house anymore. it's painful to see people living with the ability to really enjoy something, to the point where it's unbearable. i know it's truly terrible to say something so selfish, but when i see a stranger or even a friend with a smile on their face, i'm thinking, "that should have been me."
i have nothing going for me. was alive for the time being because i didn't want to burden my family even further with what would happen after my death. i'm beginning to think it just doesn't matter.
i swear i'm not angry with anyone, but everything i've gone through just feels so unfair and i end up crying and wondering why it seems like none of the people around me have to experience this.
i feel so far away.

 

[steppenwolf]

'O, beware my lord of jealousy. It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on.'
William Shakespeare, Othello Act III Scene 3 (1603)

Life is generally unfair for most people a lot of the time, but not always. You're not the only one to have noticed. And people who appear happy are only making the most of a passing moment of good fortune, and otherwise experience life's unfairness abundantly, they just don't share it as you have done, usually because they're afraid of appearing vulnerable.

But if people are only appearing excessively gay (in the old-fashioned sense of the word) in order to deliberately make you feel miserable, then they're not really happy, they're just trying to make you as miserable as they privately are themselves.

Either way, you're not really missing out on anything that was ever going to happen for you.

Personally, I almost never go out and haven't done for many years. The last time I went out was about 15 years ago when a girl pointed out some other girl in a bar and asked me: 'Are you her dad?' To which I replied, after looking her up and down: 'Yeah, probably.' Then I went straight home and stayed there ever since.

I privately exult in my pain, and in my conviction that I will endure it alone to the end of life and never share it, and derive some small personal amusement from every awkward human interaction, where a prolonged tight hug that never dares to happen might have fixed everything.

 

[Zaphkiel]

I get how you feel.
It's super hard looking at yourself after seeing how the others can be.

 

[Final_Freedom]

Yeah it feels so bad, I go through the city and just begin to cry when I'm home, so many people walking alone and smiling, so many young couples my age kissing each other...and I am still the same worthless freak every day forever

 

[lostmilo]

i feel like i can't even bring myself to leave the house anymore. it's painful to see people living with the ability to really enjoy something, to the point where it's unbearable. i know it's truly terrible to say something so selfish, but when i see a stranger or even a friend with a smile on their face, i'm thinking, "that should have been me."
i have nothing going for me. was alive for the time being because i didn't want to burden my family even further with what would happen after my death. i'm beginning to think it just doesn't matter.
i swear i'm not angry with anyone, but everything i've gone through just feels so unfair and i end up crying and wondering why it seems like none of the people around me have to experience this.
i feel so far away.

This is me right now I literally don't understand how anyone has the will to live. Why is it me that has to feel like this? Why couldn't I get the opportunity? Why did I have to be dealt the wrong cards? Why can no body see me?

 

[anopenwound]

I know how you feel. I don't think this amounts to jealousy - or even better envy, not in the traditional sense of the term. I think it's genuine disconnection, a profound sense of depression, a fundamental sadness that comes with being disabled to an extent. I do see being depressed as a disability. Nobody would tell somebody who can't walk to stop envying those who can - even tho everybody has to make peace with their situation if they can. The matter of fact is that not everybody can. Not every life is worth living. I hate the fact that we try to blindly promote this idea; many problems in life are permanent and a guaranteed source of daily misery. I think we should all have the right to end it if it's too much to bear.

 

[LXR515]

I feel that so much. Seeing people my age live happy fruitful and meaningful lives makes me feel like utter dogshit and not want to step out of my house. It also makes me wanna blow my brains out even earlier because I don't want the gap between me and them to keep growing and reminding me of how much I've failed

 

[natthebrat]

im a trans girl that was robbed of her teenage years, it really hurts when i see groups of teenage girls thrifting together when im at my job. talking about fun stuff, picking out cute outfits, and just laughing about nothing. ill just want to break down and cry out of envy (and have done so a few times). i try not to direct my awful feelings at them, as obviously it isnt at all their fault that i had to be perceived as a guy through all those years, but damn, id give anything to go back and have a normal teenage girl experience myself…

 

[anopenwound]

im a trans girl that was robbed of her teenage years, it really hurts when i see groups of teenage girls thrifting together when im at my job. talking about fun stuff, picking out cute outfits, and just laughing about nothing. ill just want to break down and cry out of envy (and have done so a few times). i try not to direct my awful feelings at them, as obviously it isnt at all their fault that i had to be perceived as a guy through all those years, but damn, id give anything to go back and have a normal teenage girl experience myself…

I'm trans too. I feel like a kid and I'm 30.

 

[CatLove56]

i feel like i can't even bring myself to leave the house anymore. it's painful to see people living with the ability to really enjoy something, to the point where it's unbearable. i know it's truly terrible to say something so selfish, but when i see a stranger or even a friend with a smile on their face, i'm thinking, "that should have been me."
i have nothing going for me. was alive for the time being because i didn't want to burden my family even further with what would happen after my death. i'm beginning to think it just doesn't matter.
i swear i'm not angry with anyone, but everything i've gone through just feels so unfair and i end up crying and wondering why it seems like none of the people around me have to experience this.
i feel so far away.

yeah especially if you watch a lot of porn and clearly they're a happy couple. fucking hate it so much

 

[cantThinkOfName]

It hurts because the technology exists, the knowledge exists but yet I had no idea transitioning was even a thing. Trans people where just treat like a punch line, insult or fetish, so I grew up not knowing. I could have grown up somewhat normal, i coulsve looked like a normal women, but instead i was just confused and alone and live everyday as a freak, a man in a dress, likely never able to get adult care either. I can't have what people who got to grow up normally had and it's not going to get better.

 

[Trav1989]

i feel like i can't even bring myself to leave the house anymore. it's painful to see people living with the ability to really enjoy something, to the point where it's unbearable. i know it's truly terrible to say something so selfish, but when i see a stranger or even a friend with a smile on their face, i'm thinking, "that should have been me."
i have nothing going for me. was alive for the time being because i didn't want to burden my family even further with what would happen after my death. i'm beginning to think it just doesn't matter.
i swear i'm not angry with anyone, but everything i've gone through just feels so unfair and i end up crying and wondering why it seems like none of the people around me have to experience this.
i feel so far away.

I understand your feelings all too well. I did nearly everything "right" for the 35 years I've been on this planet yet everything has went wrong. My marriage crumbled and I never got the family I wanted, I lost my high paying job, half of my friends have moved on or CTB and the other half are closer to acquaintances these days, and I've damaged my internal organs heavily to the point that even drinking a soda pop makes my guts feel as though they are in knots.

Yes, I made a mistake. I was too content with just having a home, a wife, a job, and potentially having kids someday and lacked ambition.

But I had no idea my life would fall apart because of it until it was too late.

I've tried working at a new job but it's not the same and tried dating other women and each experience was progressively worse.

This life feels like a sick joke to me anymore and now I'm just a walking corpse with memories that haunt me.

 

[Valhala]

It is very painful and difficult for me to see couples in love, I always think that this is how I should have been with my beloved, and then I remember my konba mistake and my breakup of that relationship, and it immediately breaks me emotionally. I have more offers from women who would like to be with me and who are even in love with me, but that seems to fill me with even more anger because I immediately think that I am no longer with her, the only woman I love and will love as long as I live.