Venting It feels like I’m watching someone else.

[h.sonnenschein]

I feel like I'm watching someone do everything I ever wanted and get everything I ever dreamed of and I'm floating there - the same piece of shit I always was.

I have so many racing intrusive thoughts I'm not sure where I stop and they start. Everything is overwhelming. I feel so guilty because I've been so lucky and so loved and I just get to watch this thing with my face enjoy it. Hospital gave me a bunch of meds and trauma. I hear things and see things.

I've been trying to drown it in substances but tolerance is starting to build.

I don't know what to do.

I want to be the person that other people see.
I know I never will be.

Maybe I should ctb before they find out.

 

[synthcadia]

is this a dissociative feeling?

also i understand this a bit, though i want to do things that everyone does even though that's impossible.

 

[h.sonnenschein]

I just feel like a fraud all the time. In every way

 

[PhuckLife]

I feel like I'm watching someone do everything I ever wanted and get everything I ever dreamed of and I'm floating there - the same piece of shit I always was.

I have so many racing intrusive thoughts I'm not sure where I stop and they start. Everything is overwhelming. I feel so guilty because I've been so lucky and so loved and I just get to watch this thing with my face enjoy it. Hospital gave me a bunch of meds and trauma. I hear things and see things.

I've been trying to drown it in substances but tolerance is starting to build.

I don't know what to do.

I want to be the person that other people see.
I know I never will be.

Maybe I should ctb before they find

I just feel like a fraud all the time. In every way

Yes, sometimes I don't feel like "myself" but when I examine that it's like what is "myself" supposed to feel like. If I'm alive then their shouldn't feel like their is a default setting for my behavior. Then I get a little nervous and try to just be in the moment. Taking moment by moment, episode by episode, even if I don't feel like myself, I can better try to manage the awkwardness interaction by interaction, so as not to get overwhelmed by the whole event. I also during those times try to fall back on any medications, & drink lots of water as I find hydrating myself tends to lead to more mental clarity and less feeling disassociated from what's in front of me.

 

[SVEN]

It doesn't help any, however this is a classic indicator of serious, clinical depression. So, it's not something "wrong" with you somehow, I believe you are badly depressed.

 

[dumpsterfire]

fr, just got cut off of my only source of substances and im going though it sober. really brings into focus how disgusting i am as a person.