It feels as though I am waiting

[Surai]

It feels as though I am waiting for something to happen. The long drawn out is making me restless. Like I'm almost at a peak of this mountain or the rock will roll back on me if i could just let my arms go. day and night feels as rebirth and death but the something still lingers behind throughout nonetheless. do you also feel that feeling when you wake for morning like a slight anger but dissipates into a small will masked as actual restlessness. But the day goes on and as it does, you get a sense of: "you know what this the same as it was and as always is and will always be"The dawning comes, but its too late ur already tired and the day is ending. Then it all comes back the times you forced yourself to forget, the times you said to yourself would happen and it did. But let me escape let me escape ill subconciously say! so ill scour anything i have left to make myself feel "good". Then finally after temporary "good" which is always fake. mostly i wouldn't even get there I would hope and think i could the next time but it would prove useless. I finally surrender, but i just don't accept this whatever "this" is. But the resentment soon follows after why! Why! And i end not wanting to exist or experience the next day, so ill force myself to stay up and find that "good/enjoyment/happiness/reason to be excited for tomorrow" turns out every night ends up almost the same, and it seems like i will never find it.