Venting it doesn't feel like i'm really friends with any of my friends because i feel too different from them

[eggsausagerice]

i have a friend group from when i used to attempt college and sad attempts of trying to make friends beyond my pre-existing friend group. it always ended badly with the people i tried to stay in touch with because i distanced myself when i realized we'd never really talk to each other outside of class or hang out. i knew we'd never get along. i don't like texting, so i would usually delete their number from my phone or unfriend them online if i knew we didn't click. they just get along with other people more. it doesn't matter how funny or interesting i try to be. i'm jealous of college students. even back when i attended college i was still as isolated as i am because i mostly kept to myself, but i usually feel more socially anxious and skittish now after dropping out. i just can't stand being around people most of the time because i'm afraid they're judging me.

i just can't talk to any of my friends because i don't have anything i want to text them. i don't miss them when i'm not around them because i only see them when we're doing something as a group, even if i like hanging out with them. my friends don't know that my text messages are usually empty and most people don't talk to me. people assume i'm texting all the time, but i'm mostly on sasu or youtube. i'm thinking about talking to ai chatbots again because i'm actually starting to spiral from my loneliness. i feel like i'm normal when i'm hanging out with people because it feels like i know how to act and what to do. when i'm at home i feel restless and nervous because i don't know what to do with myself at all and i just want to keep laying in bed until it's tomorrow. i feel so anxious when i have time to think because i start thinking about how i'm worse than everyone.

whenever i try to start an online diary i delete it because i'm paranoid someone will use the diary to blackmail me or they'll report my blog for talking about suicide. the main problem i have with ai chatbots is that they'll agree with everything i say so i stop caring about their replies. i think the main thing i like about having friends is being able to have conflicts and disagreements. after spending a lot of time talking to ai in the past, i know they'll always agree with me and call me smart. i do try to start arguments with ai, but they mostly repeat themselves instead of say anything new or that i'm being difficult with them. there also just isn't way to simulate any new or organic conversation with an ai if i don't have anything interesting to discuss if i lay in bed all day. i've never been able to make talking to ai feel satisfying, so i gave up a while ago.

i just wish that there was someone in my personal life i could talk about suicide openly with instead of force them to give me the scripted suicide intervention talk or send me the hotline because they think that actually stops people from killing themselves. what would stop me from killing myself is if i was able to actually deeply connect with the people around me. but i can't. i can't connect with anyone. it just feels like i may have been born wrong if no one in my life seems to understand me at all.

 

[drowninglessonz]

are you interested in online friends at all? i'll be your friend..

 

[logar]

I feel super similar to you here. It's like there's something wrong with me, I'm completely unable to connect with anyone past the surface level. I just really want someone close who I can confidently talk to without fearing judgement, someone who I can truly open up to and have them actually understand. That would really help me. But unfortunately.. that just seems to be way too uncommon. It's like im the only one around that is like this...

On top of all that, I always overthink literally EVERYTHING I do. Where I'm looking, my movements, what I say, literally everything possible. (These are just a few random examples) And all of that overthinking has led me to grow a severe hatred for myself. I feel like there's a hidden quality I possess that just makes me inferior to everyone else, and now I just hate trying to become friends with anyone because of that. I wish I could just get over my anxiety of simply having social interaction, but it's just way too hard for me.. It's an endless hell of wanting real connection but not wanting it at the same time. I do really love the people on SaSu, I feel so free being able to talk about my feelings with others, but for me it just can't fulfill that longing for that someone who I can deeply connect with in real life, and talk with endlessly about my thoughts.

Wishing the best for you :)

 

[elle_0106]

I really relate to this a lot. I'm in college right now and I have three friends, but I don't really feel like part of the group anymore not because they haven't been including me..it's the total opposite, I'm at that point in life where I can barely care about myself so it gets really hard to care and connect with anyone else..plus having major social anxiety and overthinking about every interaction in real life doesn't help either..

I'm in a LDR with my boyfriend so I really have no one to talk to or connect with in real life..I end up ghosting my friends, both online and offline if I do have them because of my chronic sadness. I am either lurking around on sasu or listening to music most of the time..I have no hobbies or a social life thinking about it..it makes me sad that I have become the version of myself that I am today. I used to wish that everything would change to normal again but at this point in life..I just wish every night that I don't wake up the next day. It's like my life is stuck in a loop of chronic sadness and loneliness.

All the best I hope you get out of this situation :)