Venting Isolation

[d3c4y]

To start off I'm 19f and I wouldn't necessarily consider myself to be unattractive, so for me the possibility to date has never been an issue in that regard. I'm aware that sounds like I'm really full of myself but I'm not. Once I started considering ctb and started cutting myself, I let majority of my friends go and I would break up with anyone I get with or suddenly will ghost whoever I'm "talking" to at the moment with no questions asked, even if I have feelings for them. It's because I know deep down, they will interfere with my plans to ctb, so I choose to never let it get serious with anyone (it also helps that people my age generally aren't looking for something serious to begin with).

My problem is I hate being alone, but I don't want to feel needed by someone and have to face the guilt of leaving them. I've also tried to cure my loneliness by getting pets to care for and to have as companions, I now have 5 pets of my own and it's no longer working. I still feel alone, and it sucks because I know I can change that for myself, but there's no point if I'm going to leave this world soon. I know no matter how "happy" I may be in a relationship, that person will not be able to convince me to not ctb. I feel like I'm stuck in this endless loop of feeling like I need someone but scared of getting attached to them.

I know this doesn't make sense since I'm aware I'm purposely isolating myself from people yet want to give in and be with someone at the same time. I just don't know anymore; I feel like I should solve this problem by ctb now and not have to deal with this anymore but there's a few more things I want to experience before I do.

 

[ipmanwc0]

Misread that. Unfortunately making friends and relationships make it less easy to leave when you want to, but it also makes it easier to stay. Kind of a double edged sword. So if you think you can love life again I suggest you try. I think anyone you've made care for you if you decide to ctb in the future will understand your choice eventually.

 

[SVEN]

Cognitive dissonance, as I believe it's called, is pretty common. It just means that most of us can hold two different opinions at the same time. So, it's okay that you're figuring out how to be a loner, but with companionship.
Why not continue to try to figure it out, until at some point you arrive at a resolution. What that resolution may be, who knows. As long as there are things you still want to do why not just go ahead and do them. The option to ctb will still be there if you decide that you've had enough and life is not for you.
Best wishes in getting where you want to be … once you figure out exactly where that is and the best route there.

 

[d3c4y]

Misread that. Unfortunately making friends and relationships make it less easy to leave when you want to, but it also makes it easier to stay. Kind of a double edged sword. So if you think you can love life again I suggest you try. I think anyone you've made care for you if you decide to ctb in the future will understand your choice eventually.

I don't think I will ever stay or love life again tbh, I just hate this feeling of being alone but you're right they will understand my choice of leaving eventually. I just don't want to face the guilt of it when the time comes