iso advice?

[hybridtheory]

For the last couple of weeks, I've been feeling suicidal, and although my therapist is aware that I'm struggling, they don't know the full extent of my feelings. I've chosen to stay silent about it because I have a particular date in mind, but at the same time, I sense a possibility of recovery. I'm uncertain whether I should confide in someone this time or keep it to myself. I worry that after having these thoughts for so long, others might perceive me as just trying to get attention if I decide to speak up now.

I've been dealing with an eating disorder since April of last year, and I've started self-harming again without telling anyone. Holding all of this in is really weighing on me, and I feel lost about who to confide in. I'm choosing to express my feelings here, and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to listen. I'm wondering if it would be wise to seek help from someone, even though I feel quite alone in this.

Previously, I would reach out and discuss my thoughts of suicide with anyone who would lend an ear. Now, though, the intensity of my feelings has left me at a loss for words. I feel as if I might actually follow through this time, which is why I've chosen to keep it to myself, fearing that someone might try to stop me.

Okay yeah sorry, I rambled for a bit too long. I'm just really struggling right now.

Thank you for reading.