I consider it to be a foe because I think I'm completely ready. There's no logical reason for me to stay alive. Most people wouldn't miss me or even notice I was gone, and those that would miss me would only do so slightly, and would get over it relatively quickly. I can't connect with people and sometimes just existing feels like torture. I have no future at all to look forward to. Knowing that I still have to be alive for many decades, and that things will probably get worse as time goes on, is horrible. I really want to die and just fade into nothingness where I won't have any of these problems anymore, or ever suffer again, because I won't exist. I don't think I'm scared of death either, but my SI, along with a few other problems, is keeping me here. There's so many good and logical reasons I should ctb but one of the biggest reasons I'm not is the fear of doing the act itself. The actual act will only last a few seconds and then I won't have to regret it or worry about it because I won't be alive to do that, and that should be enough for me to not be scared of actually ctb'ing. It's a few seconds of worry for an eternity of peace. But thinking logically doesn't work because SI is a very primal instinct that is illogical in many cases. So now I'm stuck here living and I can't even leave. I guess it could be a good thing for people who are risk-takers or who don't really want to die, but I hate my SI and I think most other suicidal people probably hate it too. Sorry for the long reply, I know this got disorganized
