Discussion Is trying to force an attempt bad?

[Wakawaka]

Not really sure what to title this or how to describe what im feeling

I havent been happy in maybe 12 years, and apart of me just knew i would ctb, expected it infact (and attempted several times). Now im just sort of used to it, learning to live with always feeling like that. i had a really awful week and was ready to go drown myself today, i wanted it so bad but it was like 1pm and so i needed to wait until later, but i cant really hold on to those feelings for that long. after checking this site out i realized SN is a pretty reliable and easy method, i could order it online right now and have it in a week. but i dont know why i would be taking it, i know i havent been happy in years, and i know i wont be happy next year, but now that i know i can easily ctb whenever i want i dont really feel anything, im not happy to go, and im not to happy to be staying

i guess im just not used to doing it unless im emotional, feels so rational and thought out, its weird

 

[StuFin]

You sound like me, I'd stay if my life was better, but it's not and I'm fed up of just trudging through every day with no end in sight or purpose to be here.

It's existing, not living.

I don't know what to say, if you can make a go of things then get living.

It's a final decision to ctb so you have to be sure it's the right one.

 

[NodusTollens]

I havent been happy in maybe 12 years, and apart of me just knew i would ctb, expected it infact (and attempted several times). Now im just sort of used to it, learning to live with always feeling like that.

I don't think this could be more relatable. :/

No words of wisdom from me, just going to drop a empathetic hug, I hear you. I wish you well in your decision.

 

[Spiny Lobster]

I live every day expecting to die, as well. But the truth is, we don't need to rush to live or die. We end up in the same place anyway and everything before it will come to that end, too.

Don't force your attempt; wait until the right time.

 

[Floria]

don't you think that maybe you'll be emotional again in a near future?

 

[Lupgevif]

You're unsure. Don't, then.